I've got to answer your post, and I didnt want to do it in a PM, because I want to share it with this community, (and yes it is a community, very real and tangible)
Can I call you Timothy? I understand your need for discretion, after all this is a non exclusive, very public chat forum, but I want to give you a name, so I can converse with you, and "see" your face, or "feel" your soul, and attaching a name aids me.
My bleeds for the little boy that was you and was subjected to such as you were...bleeds and weeps. Just as God's heart bleeds and weeps.
Thank God no adult ever got near me to do such, Thank God. I have no idea what struggles you go thru in the recesses of your heart, but He does.
(I'm praying to God to fill me to give me the right words to some balm to you or any wisdom that He might want to transmit from Him to you)
In the next room, is my 11 year old son, and tommorrow I have to put him on a plane to go back to his mother, as we are divorced and I work in Chicago and he lives in L.A. He flies back and forth from L.A. to chicago, holidays and such, and we are so close, this boy and I, not only am I his daddy, but we enjoy each others company and dare I say, friendship so much.
He's my kind of guy, can I share with you what we did today? Some dear friends in Wisconsin nabbed a 200 lb 10 point buck, a deer, and they don't like venison, and they know I do, as does my son, so we drove 4 hours last night (Sunday) and then this morning this small boy, me and my buddy, went to process the deer, to cut it up so as we could transport it, in coolers on ice back to Chicago.
Now mind you, He, my son Giuliano WANTED to go to do this, it wasn't me FORCING him into some macho mind numbing experience. The deer was hanging from a tree and we began to process the kill, and Giuliano helped. He even picked out certain cuts that he wanted to take back to his mother, stepfather and stepbrother, the choicest cuts he picked out, which of course I segregated for him, and at a point, I turned to him and asked him why he enjoyed this so much, and he said, "because its ancient, its an ancient tradition"....an 11 year old said this, and it just blew my mind, inwardly my heart swelled with the pride of a father at this innate wisdom.
"Its an ancient tradition"....and we shared that together, as we both shared our water baptism together, four years prior and I realize AND realized, that this union, this bond me and my son share together is forever. I have confidence, when I am old and bent and gray, that I will have my son near me, loving me, and someday we will both be together in Heaven and Timothy, blessed brother, trust me when I tell you this, there is no human love that can rival that which a parent has for their child.
Now tommmorow at 6:30 pm when they are wheeling his plane from the terminal and I watch it receed, i will break, I will weep, not openly, I try and hide my face against the window, but I will break, and be broken because my baby, my son, my friend will be leaving me. And in that moment i will lean on Christ, asking Him to protect that dear boy, when he is away from me, and then Jesus will fill me with the comfort, the assurance that He WILL ALWAYS protect that boy, soon to be a man. Then I will stop weeping, because I HAVE to lean on Jesus, He is all I have.
I will gather myself, walk thru the terminal, get in my car and begin the lonely ride home, because He has not YET given me a mate. I pray for a mate, as my son mother divorced me, and I await with faith for that woman, and maybe God willing i will have another son or daughter, but the mother of that child to be, will be my dear friend, my confidant, my helpmate, as I will be to her.
I too struggle with lust, tremendous struggle, and one day, a while back I was talking with God and asked Him, "why is lust a sin?", and as clear as day he opened my ears and said to me, "neil, do you know when you are hungry?"
"yes Lord"
"do you know the feeling the get?"
"What do you mean Lord?"
"When you look at a ribeye steak, or a fine deepdish pizza, and you want to eat that food SO BAD....that feeling, do you know that feeling?"
"Yes Lord"
"When you look at one of my children with the lust, that hunger ,this is the same feeling, the feeding of the flesh, what you do is equate, break down one of my children to a piece of meat, THAT is the sin, for my children are not here to feed your hunger. They are not meat".
In Romans 7, Paul engages in one of the most intense and personal confessions in the whole Bible..."oh what a wretched man I am".
He remained single thruout his earthly existence, is that our lot in life?
I don't know, I pray for a mate, because I pray for a family, and I pray for you, that somewhere out there is a good woman for you, and that you be given the gift I have been given, her love, and the love of a child, and children.
There is a huge gulf of difference between lust and desire. Desire is good, because desire encompasses all of the heart mind soul and body, truly a gift from God. A man desires his wife in so many ways. a friend to whisper to in the calm of the night, a helpmate to grow with, a love partner to have fun with, to laugh, to kiss their children together. Oh God is so good.
I understand your struggles. and I pray for you, that you be blessed with a family of your own. I pray that the past be erased from your memory and that you know that Jesus loves you so completely and in wholeness.
and please pray for me tommorrow at that airport window, and I pray that Godwilling you will know of the love of a child that calls you "daddy".
sweetly, neil
