Dear Readers,
\tIt’s been almost exactly three and one half years since I first logged in and registered on this sight. I can still remember my excitement as I discovered this sight for the first time. It was at a time of deep spiritual hunger in my life, a time in which I was desperate for sermons and companionship that would move me further in my walk with God. When I discovered all of the sermons available by Leonard Ravenhill, I felt as if I had struck Gold.
\tThough I was first overjoyed with the audio and video sermons available, I soon found something also that I valued just as much. I found fellowship. While I had had several seasons of previous spiritual fervor in my life, they had always been extremely lonely times. No matter how hard I would search during these times, it seemed I could never find anyone who shared the same zeal that I would be experiencing. For this reason the discovery of this sight brought even greater joy. It seemed to me that for the first time I had found others who were also serious about the things of God. For the first time I found others who did not ignore the scriptures that most other people did. For the first time in my life I had fellowship. For the first time in my life, I belonged to something. For the first time I found a place in which I could share the things burning in my heart without being looked upon as over zealous. What a joy it was to read “amens” to what I was saying instead of being looked upon as strange.
\tMy whole life I had been an out of place nobody. I remember looking upon others who had tight circles of friends with envy. Oh how I always wanted a tight group of people with whom I could identify. Oh how I wanted to belong to something. With that said, I hope you can see why the discovery of this sight brought such joy to me.
\tThe early days after my discovery of this sight was a very hopeful time in my life. Since my idea of “Christian” history was formed from reading books, I thought that the goal of this spiritual fervor was to see it spread to others and ignite a reformation and revival within the institutionalized “church”. As my own spiritual fervor continued to grow, and as I started meeting others who seemed to have the same fervor I began to think that things must be getting ready to fall in place for a great move of God, a move of God in which I would hopefully get to play a part. At the risk of sounding incredibly silly, I’ll reveal that I used to have the spiritual fantasy that God would somehow arrange for many of us on this sight to get together for a time of prayer. I imagined that from this gathering a movement would begin which would shake the world. As I said, it was a very exciting and hope filled time in my life.
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\tThe reason I share all of this is to let those who are familiar with where I’m at today know that I did not come hear carelessly. I want you to know that I valued having fellowship. I valued the men who’s book’s I loved to read. I valued my hope of revival in the institutionalized “church”. I would not have left any of those things behind carelessly. If you have read my most recent post, then you know that I am far removed from the institutionalized “church”. You also know that I no longer have any regard for the same men I once used to hold dear. You also know that I can’t any longer hope for revival in the institutionalized “church” because I do not believe that it is God’s institution in the first place. As I traveled down this road that has brought me here, it was only natural that I drift away from those who do not share these beliefs. It was only natural that I would lose the fellowship that I once held dear. I write all of this to let you now that I would not forsake such things unless I felt that it was in exchange for something better. I would only forsake such things if I was firmly convinced that I was walking in truth. I did not reach any of my conclusions about the institutionalized “church” overnight. Nor did I invent my conclusions for the sake of convenience. Instead, I firmly believe that my beliefs were formed as God taught me “line upon line, and precept upon precept”. As I gave God and his word my unwavering devotion, he began to teach me things that I never would have dreamed up on my own. No, this journey was not made carelessly, but instead, each step was taken with great caution as I continually examined myself in light of God’s word and remained aware that I would stand before him and give account for my life.
\tWhen I come to the end of my life, it may be proved that I have simply gone crazy. However, if that is the case, I will at least have the eternal confidence that I was sincerely crazy. I can not change courses at this point in my life, for I am absolutely convinced that I am on the right course. To forsake the road I’m on simply because others think it is the wrong road would be absolutely foolish, for to do so would be to go against what I sincerely believe is right. If I perish eternally because I was crazy, I will at least know in my suffering that I stayed true to what I believe to be truth. On the other hand, if I was to forsake what I believed to be truth to please others and then perish as a result, I would have to spend eternity knowing that I deserved my penalty for blatantly rejecting what I believed to be truth. I would have to spend eternity knowing that I was a complete fool. If I perish because I’m crazy, I will know that I could do nothing to change the results, but if I perish because I was a fool, I will live forever knowing my foolishness was the reason for my fate. That is a knowledge I can not eternally bear. So unless God divinely intervenes and shows me the error of my way, I am certain to stay on this road because I firmly believe that it is the road he has put me on.
\tLast night I went to the search engine on this sight and typed in “PJ”. I was neat to see that many of the post I made three years ago can still be read. It was interesting to go back and read my post in chronological order. By doing so I was able to recall the different things I was going through as I wrote each post. As I look back to that exciting time in my life, I am very thankful that I did not know what changes would take place in my life in the following years. For this knowledge would have been to much to bear and would have possibly sent me running the other way.
\tHere is a little of what has happened in my journey of the course of the past three and one half years. In October of 2003, a time in which I was still actively posting on this sight, I came to a important crossroad in my life in which I decided take a certain season in which I would forsake all books and sermons and draw all my learning for scripture alone. My pledge was not only to read it but also to be obedient to what God would ask of me, regardless of what the cost. This decision would be the catalyst that would set in motion many life changing events. The first thing that would come from this decision was a new understanding of salvation. For the first time in my life I experienced true salvation and I found out that it was much different and much more wonderful than anything I had ever been taught. In light of this new experience, I had to face a uncomfortable fact that I had in no way been saved prior to this time in my life.
\tThe next thing to come was my resignation from my job. I was a well paid, full time “children’s pastor”. Since so much of what I was discovering in God’s word ran opposed to what this “church” was teaching, I could not continue to be both obedient to the truth and a staff member at the same time. I resigned with no other job lined out. It was some what scary, and yet I sincerely believed it would all work out. My belief was correct. I did not stay unemployed long, just long enough to get a good rest from the previous hard years as a staff pastor.
\tThe next major change to come would be regarding "church" attendance. God soon revealed in his word that the only reason I continued to attend “church” was because of the social pressure to do so. He showed me that I was only doing it as a work to avoid persecution from those who would think less of us for not attending. With this revelation, we ceased attending altogether. Soon after this we would also quit paying tithes for the same reason.
\tAfter this I began an intense season of learning. This season of learning would cause me to eventually reject many “church” doctrines I had grown up believing. I was amazed at how much I had been willing to believe simply because others said it was so. This season of learning also brought me to a place in which I would forsake my love for many of the authors I had once held dear as it seemed that they too had somehow missed the truth of scripture. This was not an easy thing to do. I loved many of these men dearly. It seemed that they had even played a role in bringing to the joyful place I was now living. As I began to forsake their teachings, I drew criticism as being foolish to not trust in the wisdom of my elders. Because of this criticism I would constantly examine myself to make sure that these conclusions were base upon devotion to God and his word and that they were not just foolish choices based upon self righteous pride.
\t While this process of learning was beginning separate me from everything I used to hold dear, there was still much separation to come. Eventually this process of learning would lead me to a conclusion that the institutionalized “church” was without any doubt the “Great Whore of Babylon” that was under that control of the “beast”. I came to understand that God aloud this institution to exist for the purpose of testing his sincere believers. I came to understand that his sincere believers would recognize what the institution truly was while the faithless would forever be deceived by it. This revelation would prompt me to write a letter explaining this belief to many family members and friends. I felt I had to warn people of their blindness and of the error of their ways.
\tAfter sending out this letter, I knew that I has to act upon something that God had been impressing in my heart as well as in his word. God had began to show me that it was not good to continue fellowship with those who were not of the same faith as myself. He burned into my heart that I had to break off fellowship with both my family and my wives family. This was not an easy thing to do. Though are hearts were often grieved when around them, and even thought we were more than willing to end this fellowship, we also knew that this decision would not be received well. Ultimately we chose to be obedient to this command in scripture. We wrote a letter to our families announcing that we would no longer reamain in constant contact, and that we would not be coming home for family gatherings. And just as we suspected, this was not received well at all. The season after this announcement was the hardest season of all. This season was a time of great strife. The announcement drew many attacks as our parents and brothers claimed that we were doing them wrong. I was told that a spirit of Satan had entered into me. I was told that I was part of a cult. This hard season is still not over.
\tAfter the decision to end fellowship with our families, we felt it necessary to sell the house we had owned for the previous five years. Next we moved into a rental house in town while I kept the job I currently had. Six months later, this past November, as our lease was getting ready to expire, we knew that it was time to leave the town we had called home for the past six years. I quit my job, and we moved several hours away to a strange town that is far away from anything familiar. And this is where we are today. We are an isolated family that is completely void of fellowship. The same man who was once well thought of is now only thought of as crazy man who is a part of a cult (please note: I have no followers, nor do I pursue any). My wife who used to have many friends is now only pitied by them as the poor woman who is manipulated by her husband to go along with his craziness (My wife is free to do as she pleases. She is with me and faithful to me because she has watched me travel down this road. She saw real changes in my life, and came seeking for God to change her. She will tell you, yes even when I’m not around, that she is very happy. Our life used to be hell on earth, today it is an incredible marriage that is bases upon obedience to God. Her devotion to me is based upon her devotion to God, as well as her personal belief that I am truly walking in truth.).
\tIf I did not see all the warnings from Christ that all these things would take place, then I would possibly wonder as to whether or not I was truly on track. However, as it is, Jesus was very faithful to explain to his followers that all these things would happen to those who are sincerely following him. I’m so thankful that he took to time to warn us of these things. For now, instead of these hardships bringing sadness, they instead bring joy as they confirm that we are truly walking in his footsteps.
\tIf you were to ask me to describe my life today, I might say that it is one giant contradiction. I am incredibly miserable ( miserable because I am misunderstood, miserable because we long for fellowship with others, miserable because I feel I have something wonderful to share that no one really wants to hear, etc.), and yet I am completely filled with joy. I have much turmoil in my life (from breaking fellowship with family), and yet I have undescribable peace. In the world’s eyes I am a reproach, I am someone that no one else would like to be, and yet I can honestly say that I consider myself to be the most blessed man in the world and that I would not change places with anyone.
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\tNow, as I started to say earlier, I am very thankful that God did not show me all of this in advance. I’m not sure how I would have responded to such knowledge. I’m afraid that fear may have overwhelmed me and caused me to lose heart and turn away. But thankfully my Father is most kind. He knows my weaknesses and my limits. He is always faithful to lead me step by step. Some steps are bigger than others, but none are beyond my reach. For this kindness I am most thankful.
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\tWith all of this said, some may be wondering “what is the point of all of this?” I guess the point of all of this is to once again let the readers who are familiar with my journey know that I did not choose my steps lightly. As I said earlier, I took every step with great caution. Every step was made with the utmost fear of God in my heart. I did not just one day decide to invent a doctrine that would cause others to assume I have gone crazy. I did not make up things to believe simply to turn my life upside down (why would anyone do that?). Instead, it has been a step by step journey, a journey founded upon scripture and obedience to God that has led me here.
\tIf my life were to draw the attention of main stream “Christianity”, then you can bet that I would likely become the poster child for why it is not safe to trust completely in scripture alone. I can hear preachers warning their congregations that they must always seek insight from others when studying scripture or else they may end up like PJ. Yes, I will admit that if I had heeded everyone's warning and tempered my understanding of scripture with popular doctrine and popular teachings, then I would certainly not be in this place I am to day. Had I heeded the warnings that were given to me, I would still be well thought of by others, and possibly on my way to great success with in the religious world. But as it is, I chose to go my own way and trust in scripture alone. As a result of this “foolish” choice, I stand where I do to day. Am I truly a fool, or have I acted wisely? I guess at this point only the judgement seat will reveal the truth. My God is good and wise. I hope that I will accept his verdict as just and good regardless of what it is.
Before finishing this post, let me offer my most sincere advice. Be careful not to judge me on the basis of popular belief. What is popular is not always correct. In fact, the wisdom in scripture seems to say that if it is popular then it is most likely not in line with truth. Just the same, the fact that something is not popular does not make it truth. Instead, truth stands on it own. A truth is true whether a billion people believe it or even if no one believes it. While I will not tell you to trust me, I will advise you to make all you judgement about me based upon scripture alone. If the scripture reveals that I can not possibly be on track with God and his Son, then may you make your judgement about me with confidence. However, if the scripture does not reprove me, then do not be foolish to cast judgement upon just because I walk alone. Regardless of your opinion of me, I hope that each of you will become devoted lovers of truth. May you love truth more than comfort. May we always examine ourselves in light of God’s word and be honest with ourselves. The great day is going to reveal all things. May we let God reveal all corruption now, instead of on that day when it will be too late.
I sincerely hope for the good of each of you,
PJ
PS. This will be my last post as “PJ”. The initials “PJ” stood for something from a past life that I want to leave behind (don’t worry, it was nothing dirty or profane). I’m not saying that I won’t post again, I’m only saying that I won’t post again as “PJ”. In fact, I actually hope to make a series of post in the near future, however, I will do this under a different name. Until then, may your love for God and your love for truth grow and grow.
