I too am new to this site, and delighting in the wealth of spiritual information posted here.
You say you seek to be a pastor. Since this calling is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, you can do no better than to consult with Him.
You say that you used to be a rapper, and music producer of hip-hop. Why stop entirely, except to distance yourself from the past associations? To reach the hearts and minds of the young or the old there is no better way than to use music. It is only the focus of the music that needs to be changed, from the things of the world, to the things of God. My greatest joy is to turn on Air 1 Radio, or log onto Air1.com, and luxuriate in worship.
Yes, you need to focus on God alone for a time, and delight in Him, in His word, in His peace and joy. You also need to focus on your marriage. In fact, getting your priorities straight is what your first task should be.
Forget your past weaknesses and failures. Forget todays mistakes. The one thing I have learned is that our inability to be perfect is why we need Jesus so much. Learn to forgive yourself as well as others, because God has not only forgiven, but forgotten your imperfections. And if you sin again, well, so do we all, and we go to the Father in Jesus, and apologize, and ask for help to do better.
Always remember that your gifts, your knowledge, your experience are to be used for the glory of God, not shorn and tossed away as if the gifts were evil. Your past focus may have been worldly, but that is easily changed.
God will change those things about you that need to be changed as you work to learn about Him and follow Him. Turning yourself inside out is not your job, but that of the Holy Spirit.
Yes, your past friendships will have to undergo a good deal of pruning for you to remain in the Lord, but there is a great use for music to support the Word.
Don't put down your bible, but don't deny who you have been, what you have done, or the gifts of business management and music production that can carry a message about God to those who will not hear a sermon. Use them all.
As for becoming a pastor, all I can say is you will need to stay centered in Jesus, and follow His desire for you. To pastor a flock requires a great deal of love, of patience, kindness, long-suffering, and a wellspring of joy that only comes from the ripening fruits of the spirit. It won't happen all at once, and beating yourself up for not progressing farther and faster than the Spirit leads you is a trick of the devil.
You mention a good deal of recent personal struggle, countered by the joy of your recent marriage. I can only imagine the struggle within yourself to get out of the worldly music business, and into God. I can also guess that your struggles have been between the worst of yourself, and the best of yourself.
Be a little kind to yourself. Don't expect big changes. Look instead for little ones, for it is how we learn, little by little, bit by bit. Take pleasure and rejoice in these small victories even as you look for the greater ones to come.
You will learn, as I have, and all Christians do, that what you think about yourself, and what God thinks about you are two different things. You will set the bar too high, too fast, then mourn over your failures when God is delighting that you are pressing onward again and again.
Remember that in Christ you are a child of the Most High, and like a Father, God is delighted just to see you take your first steps toward Him.
Blessings,
