A broken heart

I just finished posting a response on the prophet thread and feel the need to ask for your prayers. This is part testimony, or perhaps call it confession, part prayer request.

I was saved in 1978 at a church that had the gospel message but not much else. I attended for a year or so, but I had fallen back to my sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle within two weeks of conversion. I had so much disdain for society, so much anger, and such rebellion that I took the easy way out of H.S. In California this is called the Ca HS proficiency test. A properly educated eighth grader should pass that thing.

After three years of high wage earning jobs like Wendy’s and KFC, along with more pot than I care to admit, I was "forced" (parental tough love) into a drug rehab program. Two days in and I was on my face crying out to God "All I want to do is serve you".

Through His absolute sovereign hand He guided me to a local body that taught the baptism in the Holy Spirit. I never knew that I could have a tangible relationship with him until then. It was an incredible time in my life.

I still had no skills to speak of and got a job at a local pizza parlor in Berkeley CA. I rented a room from a brother in economically depressed east Oakland and commuted 1.5 hours each way by bus. Three years later I was struggling so bad that I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I had hooked up with an old friend and was playing with the fire of drug use once again, although I continued to attend church (by now I had changed to a different, less vibrant body).

I came to realize that continuing on this course was insanity and quit my job. I told the Lord I needed Him to do something dramatic in my life and lead me out of this mess. I spent six months making $64 a week helping a friend one day a week on a project for his dad.

This all ended in a most abrupt and sudden manner. In one weeks time I was living elsewhere, fellowshipping elsewhere, working a job that ultimately gave me the skills to become a truck driver, and I had met, and knew I had met, my bride to be. The church was the most vibrant and alive body of believers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Looking back, some doctrine was a little off the mark, but they loved God passionately.

One year later, May 21st 1988, I was married to the girl of my dreams. There is nothing I am more certain of in my life (aside from God) than the knowledge that this woman was hand picked by His loving hand. To this day we are still deeply in love with each other. I am so thankful for this.

A year or so later this pastor expelled an elder from this church without having any biblical basis for his action. We felt we could not stand with the pastor and left. The expelled elder began a home fellowship and we began attending that. I wish I had known how to listen to the Lord and sought His face in making this decision. Instead it was based purely on my own personal convictions. I believe now that I erred in taking this course of action. It was at this time that we made our first compromise with the world and purchased a TV/VCR combo. Oh that I had never allowed this idol into my life.

Two years later we were so dissatisfied with our lives that we decided to make a change. We moved 70 miles north to Santa Rosa, CA. This was were I had gone to H.S. I had very good friend from my party days who knew of the Lord but had never surrendered his life to Him. I tried and tried to minister to him. I failed, and instead wound up falling away from God completely, returning to the vomit of my stoner lifestyle. What a hellish time that was in my life. I would try to repent, try to be a good Christian, but to no avail.

Ultimately we decided we needed to make another change. My wife had decided to move back to the city of her birth, Omaha NE. She was going to move there whether I went or not. As I began to seek the Lord on this I had such a peace that I knew that this was His leading. His provision leading up to our move was awesome. We were able to save enough to come here and buy our first house. Simply amazing.

Our time here in Omaha has not been all rosy. I know that we are here because of God’s leading. There is much to repair. After a two years of searching for a good church, we finally found a Calvary Chapel and felt led to call this home. We both attended for a year or more, but I began to once again struggle with my faith.

My entire Christian walk up to maybe eight months ago has been one best described as a roller coaster ride. My flesh is so weak, and I have never been able to fully lay hold of the truth that I am crucified with Christ. I understand the concept, but could not walk in its truth. As a result I would put forth a great deal of effort to seek the Lord with my whole heart. I would find myself climbing to great emotional heights through worship and prayer. Inevitably my besetting sin would trip me up and I would fall flat on my face. This would be followed by weeks of despair and deep pit level depression. Eventually I would realize how foolish this was, that God loved me etc. I would speak the truth to my soul and return to seeking His face. Eventually climbing to new heights in the Lord. Thus began the cycle all over again. Each time I would tell myself that this time was different. My wife got to the point that she would just roll her eyes and say “yeah sure.”

When this pattern began to show up once again at Calvary Chapel, I despaired of ever having the victory. For the first time in my Christian life I abandoned the church altogether. During the ensuing months my work situation went from bad to worse to downright intolerable. I began to hesitantly cry out to God for mercy.

Slowly I began to hear from Him. I came to realize that change required taking some type of action on my part. I was frustrated with my career as a truck driver. While I was home every night, I was working 55-60 hours a week, which left me no time or energy for fellowship (should I seek it) or much of anything else for that matter. After some soul searching I decided to take the steps necessary to become a real estate agent. This, I felt would give me the scheduling freedom to be at church Wednesday evenings as well as Sundays. It also gave me the freedom to be available for other forms of fellowship and service. One thing I knew, I had no hope of success without the Lord’s blessing.

I returned to church, alone, in June of ‘06. My wife has become so distrustful of my walk that she refuses to go lest I backslide once again. Our hearts are so linked that every struggle of mine has had a great impact on her own walk with the Lord. She is unwilling to put her heart at risk only to be devastated once again. Since that time my walk with the Lord has been growing in consistency. I still struggle with the flesh to some degree, but I am unwilling to let go of the hope that a victorious life is possible and that I will soon know that sanctifying work that will bring it to pass.

When I stumbled upon this community a few weeks ago, my heart began to break over my sin. I have felt such a burning desire to walk in His light, to repent of my compromised worldly ways, to follow Him regardless of the cost. I am full of hope and enthusiasm.

So here, finally are my prayer requests. All during these years of struggle I have felt a calling to teach God’s word. I knew better than to enter into ministry in the condition that I was in. Today I recognize that I am not yet ready to go that route, yet the desire will not leave. As e real estate agent, I need to be able to find clients in need of help buying or selling a house. This requires “prospecting”. Calling people I know and asking for referrals, calling for sale by owners and asking for their business, calling expired listings etc. The fact is, this has confronted me with the reality that I have a huge fear of man issue. Even calling people I know is almost impossible for me. What was I thinking going into real estate? Actually, I knew this going in. I knew I would be confronted with this personal characteristic and hoped the Lord would show me how to overcome it. So far, He hasn’t. This is not to say He won’t, only that I am still fearful today.

One of the things that I am seeking to understand is how to go about finding those clients. I know He can provide contacts with people in a sovereign manner. But this won’t help me get over my fear. Unfortunately, I don’t have the drive to go find them, partly because I don’t care anymore about money. I would be content to sell all that I have and go live in a shack if that were His will for me. I have lived with my worldly American consumerism for too long. Enough’s enough. I only want basic provision for my needs. I do have a mortgage though, and a wife to care for. As of now I have suspended my real estate career to focus on prayer and bible reading. I need to hear His voice to move forward.

Next, and perhaps my greatest need, is prayer for my wife. She is very angry with me for all the damage I have done over the years to her walk with the Lord. I accept this responsibility. I am her covering. Please pray for her that God would heal her heart and show her His love in a fresh way. I long to have her by my side at church, and recognize that if I am ever to enter into any type of ministry I must have her full confidence and support.

There is much more that I could say, if you have read through this whole thing, thank you. your prayers hold more value to me than you can imagine.

In His Love,

Doug

Thank you Doug for sharing your heart,

I know by experience that Jesus can restore a broken heart, a broken marriage, whatever it may be. It's a work of his grace through the power of the blood of Jesus. That's the only thing that can cleanse our hearts from sin. Discouragement is a sin brother and Jesus wants to free you from this burden.

I pray that you would seek Jesus with all of your heart and as you allow Him to deal honestly with your own heart, He will begin to supernaturally restore your marriage. This has been happening in my life and it's not been by my hard work or efforts.

It's good to hear that you won't move forward until you hear from God. In our rush to get something done or meet a deadline of sorts, we oftentimes miss God. It's happened to me many times but He's been faithful to stop me and then to teach me how to wait for him.

As my pastor often says, a vocation is not money it's about ministering to Jesus. So the vocation that Jesus calls us to, is about ministering the heart of Jesus to those around us. It's not about money or health insurance or any other benefit. It's about Jesus...

I pray for victory over sin in your life through the blood of Jesus. He has made provision for victory and the discouragement you often experience could very well be the fruit of rebellion. Whenever rebellion rises in my own heart and I come into agreement with it, then I'm extraordinarily discouraged. Unbelief almost always follows rebellion. So if we deal honestly with God about the rebellion, then the unbelief will go away.

I pray that you would ask the Lord about that and He will lead you. Blessings to you Doug in the name of Jesus.

I wanted to take a moment to thank you both for your heartfelt replies. I am beginning to understand more and more about some of the root issues of my struggles. It has been a long road to travel. The one thing I can attest to through it all is God is faithful. I am sometimes floored by His consistent, never changing love for me.

I will post a little more when time permits.

By way of clarification. My wife and I are doing quite well in terms of our personal relationship. We are best friends to this day. Things got a little rocky before our decision to leave CA, but this had more to do with her overall unhappiness with church life there than with "us".

In His Love,

Doug

Hi Doug,

Lot of similarities here personally. Had the same problems, fears, even the financial means and what money [i]means[/i] in terms of import ... and yes obligations, your wife, mine, mortgage no, bills, yes.

Broken heart. Broken [i]man[/i]. There is a very good reason for these things. [i]Through[/i] this brother. Go on through. Do pray, pray always. Unceasingly means ... what it means, without [i]end[/i]. How often do we take notice of our breathing unless we are out of breath or ... even being in that uncomfortable position, [i]the fear of man[/i] ... fear of speaking, gets the heart lodged up in the throat? [i]Appealing[/i] is something that can go on like breathing because it is you, constant, ongoing, [i]praying always, with all supplications[/i]. The supplications might be said to be [i]the out of breath[/i]-ness where we take notice and make known to our own mind and verbalize them back to the Lord.[i]Set[/i]times of dedicated prayer, even this analogy hardly touch but the surface ... Prayer as something you [i]are[/i] rather than just something we do.

Everything is an opportunity to pray, before, during, after ..."[i]Lord, if you don't help me[/i]" ([url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/singlefile.php?lid=3843]A Call to Anguish[/url]). To express thankfulness for all things;

Jon 2:9 But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD.

Heb 13:15 By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.

Ever notice the word 'sacrifice' in conjunction with these? Thanksgiving, praise as sacrifice? Seems almost contradictory.

1Th 5:18 In [u]every thing[/u] give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Possible. It is possible.

1Pe 4:19 Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.

One of the first verses I purposefully memorized. A verse to really slowly chew on. It has the tense of [i]keeping at it[/i], commit or 'give over' ... [i]in well doing[/i], ... unto. How this all applies to you brother...

To borrow that old cliché' about God not making a man until he breaks a man ... Oh, it is so. This may be the very avenue of the shaping of character for you. The escape routes we might think, "something else" we ought to be doing, yours being your present occupation of real estate and being dislodged from some comforts inwardly, up against the difficulties, the confrontational aspects that these 'fears' of man bring. There is no sense in making it all seem otherwise, heaping guilt or scorn upon ourselves for things that are a reality to us. The only ones who can avail themselves of such with a quick wave of the hand are those who have no problems being outwardly vocal, speaking before the public, something more natural and normal for them. Others I would think are those who have come from this same place and moved through it...

Even calling people I know is almost impossible for me. What was I thinking going into real estate? Actually, I knew this going in. I knew I would be confronted with this personal characteristic and hoped the Lord would show me how to overcome it. So far, He hasn’t. This is not to say He won’t, only that I am still fearful today.

Love your honesty and forthcoming brother. I had a great deal of the same running my own business especially a great fear of how to rightly estimate and charge customers (for remodeling projects) as a backdrop to the regular anxieties I think you are speaking of. You end up forging ahead despite it all ...

But it was later when everything was turned upside down and I entered into a whole other realm of employment that these things became even more ... succinct. Am convinced now why this is so. It is further refining, character is made by being shown where we are deficient and addressing these things head on. That is often we think by merely pulling up the boot straps and by sheer 'will power' funny notion, that. It is an element, [i]be strong therefore[/i] but the paradox is in it's opposite; dependence, faith, trust in the Lord. If we give over "commit" our souls [i]unto[/i] the Lord, well I keep finding Him faithful.

The thing I found remarkable or should say keep on finding is all the other things that are not yet lived out in reality beyond all the internal truths we might have come to understand. It's phenomenal. The intent and motivation very well may be ever so sincere and yet the day to day activities could well prove us otherwise. Quite the challenge, quite the exposure, quite a bit of sheer repentance and pain and suffering and regret, feeling hypocritical, [i]being[/i] hypocritical. Hopefully it is not the diabolical pretense but more of Paul's ...

Rom 7:15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

May be going a bit past your particulars here but perhaps I am trying to just convey that what you are going [i]through[/i] is not an end in itself as was mentioned nor something of an escape to get out of. To overcome it is probably not the real goal or rather, the aim. Think if we get stuck there we are extrapolating the future before it arrives. That place is there somewhere, a place to look back on after you have passed it. This may not be any part of your thinking at all.

Degrees I am thinking here brother. Evil notions are many and many are they that we ourselves construct. Fears of all kinds, most of which never come to pass, it's often quite silly of us to be doing so much projection, placing advanced results before actual real time circumstances. I speak from a [i]great[/i] deal of experience here.

Brother this has taken me almost a couple of hours now and I have a variety of mixed thoughts and emotions. I am reluctant and hesitant in many, many ways... Likely will continue to carry on in this manner for some time, actually I do hope so... You or others may have picked up on the fact that my mother died this past Tuesday. Yesterday (Saturday) was her funeral... Over in [url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=14379&forum=36#114096]To all the "Prophets"[/url] we had been talking about [i][b]guts[/b][/i] and I think even that has a multifaceted definition. Perhaps spilling ones guts is quite different than the sort of '[i]having gut's[/i]'. Let me be forthcoming as you have here. I do not really do the 'witnessing thing' very well. What I mean is in the many varied ways we have come to think of them, expressing the truth we hold to. [i]Witnessing[/i] to [i]people[/i] frankly would give off or bring up the whole fear of man issues that you speak of. I just cannot do it the way others do and have often berated myself for the whole idea of 'not getting out there' and doing it, whatever the fashion. There is a whole backlog of semi-convicting thoughts, reading through all these postings over the years, all the great 'soul winners', the street preachers in our midst and I would often think, '[i]and just what is it I think I am doing here, speaking of all these deep, penetrating issues of the faith ... am I a hypocrite?[/i]". "Sharing your faith" ... are you? Isn't this one of the large questions asked, inferenced, of others, of ourselves. Is it mode or operation or program? Is it as it is often 'presented' sadly enough just another 'pitch' even by the most sincere? Are there not many who would be doing a greater service if they just quit [i]doing[/i] what they are doing because they are doing far more harm than good? What I mean is, I think there are far too many who have gone on out with The Great Commission without a [i]Commissioner[/i]. They know the Lord either not at all or in such a deficient understanding as to be actually spreading all kinds of accurate orthodoxy that is in reality poisonous heresy. To speak in the Name of the Lord all the while harboring pride and bitterness, judgment that is not theirs to give, hypocrisy and duplicity, things gleaned off the surface that have never entered the marrow of being... Listen to these words and the elements that should describe us;

1Th 5:1 But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.
1Th 5:2 For yourselves know perfectly that the day of the Lord so cometh as a thief in the night.
1Th 5:3 For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape.
1Th 5:4 But ye, brethren, are not in darkness, that that day should overtake you as a thief.
1Th 5:5 Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day: we are not of the night, nor of darkness.
1Th 5:6 Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober.
1Th 5:7 For they that sleep sleep in the night; and they that be drunken are drunken in the night.
1Th 5:8 But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation.
1Th 5:9 For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ,
1Th 5:10 Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him.
1Th 5:11 Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do.
1Th 5:12 And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you;
1Th 5:13 And to esteem them very highly in love for their work's sake. And be at peace among yourselves.
1Th 5:14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
1Th 5:15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.
1Th 5:16 Rejoice evermore.
1Th 5:17 Pray without ceasing.
1Th 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1Th 5:19 Quench not the Spirit.
1Th 5:20 Despise not prophesyings.
1Th 5:21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

1Th 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
1Th 5:23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
1Th 5:24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.
1Th 5:25 Brethren, pray for us.
1Th 5:26 Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss.
1Th 5:27 I charge you by the Lord that this epistle be read unto all the holy brethren.
1Th 5:28 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.

Times and seasons. Sober. Edifying. Faith and love. [i]esteem them very highly in love[/i]. Peace. The whole of all the commotion regarding prophecy, "prophesyings." Despise them not and yet [i]prove[/i] them. Above all, and before that, [b][i]Quench not the Spirit.[/i][/b]

Still the question, my obligation?

This honesty business is really coming to the fore more and more these days. It just has to be. Have been under the impression that whatever the misunderstanding otherwise, [i]making disciples[/i] is of the great import, that and prayer and ... this ever so elusive ... [i]unity[/i] not in sentiment, or sentimental notions but in Spirit and in Truth.

[i][b]That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.[/b][/i] Joh 17:21

It frankly amazes me that we can think we can bypass this cry of our Lords own heart and more bizarrely actually believe we can accomplish the same results, namely ...[i][b]that the world may believe that thou hast sent me[/b][/i] with every other means than this. There is a diabolical notion that frankly just does not believe what Jesus said. Period. We will not have this way of doing things because we are too proud and might actually, secretly, have another overlooked plank in the eye, the antitheses of the [i]fear of man[/i]; [b][i]that ye do (not) your alms before men, to be seen of them[/i][/b]

This preoccupation if it could really be called that with death that I have is just something that keeps repeating itself all throughout my life. It is the fractured reality that is always before us. More so when it [i]hit's[/i] in it's full weight and force, it brings a certain clarity that bridges ... the gut's up against the 'theology' we hold to. It is the [i]place[/i] where facts and faith are the rubber that meets the road.

Pardon my spilling forth here brother and seemingly speaking to everyone (that it might apply to) at your expense. I learned a great deal yesterday, things I can but pray will be forever etched into the marrow of being. Too many small snap shot's that I will carry deep within to mention here, too personal ... Forgive me for my stark exposure here, am still in the processing pod of all this. Had mentioned and actually kind of set myself up for a great possible failure in the other mentioned thread, speaking of guts, being real, again will be frank. The thoughts crossed my mind prior that as is often the case, [i]great swelling words[/i] can be put forth and that the real possibility could be that for all those I might have felt, when the moment came I could shrink back. Or I may have not been allowed to speak and if I didn't the regret ... and on and on it goes. This may sound all so over the top but it was a rather difficult thing at times wrestling in prayer, wrestling with all these preceding things mentioned, the emotions and confusion. I was compelled to be able to give my mother the very honor due her, publicly and without some paltry niceties but real gut level, from the heart and with the greatest appreciation to the Lord, to His Name. The fact of it all did make things much 'easier' and thankfully it all did come to pass. Being a very poor 'orator' I guess it could be said, I can botch everything I know inwardly by just opening my mouth ... I wrote it all out and then read it with the same passion and gut's that I wrote it. I sit here both astonished and humbled by all that transpired, ever thankful for the opportunity to exalt Jesus and honor my precious mother and my father before family, friends and even acquaintances. Truly the Lord was with me. Least I even dare forget how thankful I am for the prayers of those that I know prayed.

But herein lies the very secret brother of all this. It is our self dying out to everything save the Lord. It is to truly put the emphasis on others, to their considerations, to their uplifting, to their honor or praiseworthiness. In this instance it was [i]for[/i] my mother and [i]for[/i] the Lord. Think it can and will transpire across these fears that you have as well. I know them well, I know your struggles, they are the very means of advancing, embrace them. My prayers are with you.

And even in the last few days, something else, something that was triggered through another thread, and reading 1 Timothy 1:5-7, especially verse 7 . "desiring to be teachers of the Law; [i][b]understanding neither what they say, nor what they affirm[/b][/i]"

Oh there is a verse ...

The context is about false teachers who preach heresy, but I realise that its true of me - desiring to teach others when a wrong motive means I actually haven't a clue - in spite of the theoretical knowledge and years of experience!

The Lord has basically exposed the root motive for joining this and other discussion forums. Pride, yes, but also, it seems, a need to "make my mark" in some way. Especially, on a forum such as this, to demonstrate my knowledge, wisdom and maturity in the Lord. To gain respect of others, to be listened to instead of being ignored.

Would liken part of this back to [i]desiring to be teachers[/i] which proves out a different motivation ... To be known over being of some help. That is far from the case here I think sister even with your honest assessment and forthcoming. Think too many of our 'prophets' of the day have this as a backdrop. It's often pride disguised as concern, to test it is to dislodge the effrontery ... but that is another thread altogether.
([i]Edit: Just realized I made something of a muddle out of that, I ended up repeating what you had already stated, perhaps I just hadn't taken any notice of this from what you have shared. Can't seem to find the motivation being misplaced[/i])

I can't stop doing it, the thing is too ingrained. even now I'm searching self-consciously for the correct words and way to phrase this and make it clear. Its as binding as a drug in a way, this compulsion to prove myself to others.

BUT the LORD will stop it! The very fact that its now come to the surface means He's about to. When we are getting desperate we are more likely to be willing to let Him sort it, instead of going on trying to cope in our own strength!

Well, now you know. Haven't really been able to share such things with any except close friends before, but the Lord is moving in our midst...

Think you are in wonderfully safe surroundings here with this. Reason being there is often nothing to do but to give place to those who have gone even further and recognize that they too are still finding more things to ponder and question, be challenged by. Think there was a place early on where I really thought I knew something, now I pray that I have not misspoken at each letter typed here. All this, all the reading of past saints on being humbled and broken, on pride and hypocrisy and giving place to others ... Bitterness and division and the hidden things that must come to face honesty as it is in truth ... There is a great hesitancy most often, a tension that is far more expression than 'teaching' ... There is a great shrinking from the whole notion of it. Besides, it is Jesus who should be the object in view if that can be said with the right reverence. Then the desires are put rightly and we could care little if we be 'known' as teacher, prophet, evangelist. We come full circle back to office over 'title'.

Cannot seem to shake Ravenhills "The more I know the more I realize I do not know" Or know next to nothing, something to that effect. He wasn't the first to say it, but to hear it towards the [i]end[/i] of his life ...

Just a quick thank you to all who have responded. I never anticipated the affect my post would have. Each one of you has given some insight to my walk.

It is my inention to post seperate responses to each of you individually. This may take some time, so if I don't get to you, please know that I simply ran out of time and will get back at it when I can. Tomorrow will be a busy day so be patient!

In His Love,

Doug

Death2self,

[color=003399]Discouragement is a sin brother and Jesus wants to free you from this burden.[/color]

It has never occured to me to label discouragement as sin, yet as I thought about it I have come to agree with you. Everything that is not of faith is sin.

[color=000099]as you allow Him to deal honestly with your own heart[/color]

This is the hardest part of all. I think we humans have a high resistance to truly accepting our utter wretchedness. While I can theologically believe that I can do nothing apart from Him, or tell myself that I am not putting any more confidence in the flesh. It requires true brokenness for us to come to terms with this reality. Highly uncomfortable and resulting in some agonizing times of prayer. This is the current state of my walk.

[color=000099]It's good to hear that you won't move forward until you hear from God.[/color]

I honestly don't feel that I have a choice in this regard. As I look back I can see too many times when I did not wait to hear from Him and leaned on my own understanding instead. Almost without fail this led me down the wrong avenue.

[color=000099]the discouragement you often experience could very well be the fruit of rebellion. Whenever rebellion rises in my own heart and I come into agreement with it, then I'm extraordinarily discouraged. Unbelief almost always follows rebellion. So if we deal honestly with God about the rebellion, then the unbelief will go away.[/color]

This is a tough one to swallow. I would rather lay the blame elsewhere, or at least come up with a kinder gentler term! Unfortunately you have hit home. Whatever term I use, I find myself at times resisting or rejecting His guidance, call, or nudging. This does indeed lead to unrest in my soul, which in turn creates disillusionment and ultimately discouragement. Pride comes before a fall, and pride is the root of rebellion.

As for the real estate, I believe I am beginning to get some clarity. Tomorrow will be a big day and should bring some answers.

In His Love,

Doug

Dorcas,

[color=000099]I think the big temptation is to hope for a finishing line, which after it is crossed, will spell the end of the struggle.[/color]

This is oh so true. How often I have thought, if I could just...then I would be OK. I have this mental picture of who I want to be (or think I should be) in Christ and tend to berate myself for falling short of this ideal. If I could just be that person...

My tenacious pride causes me to think that with just a little more effort on my part this time around I might actually get there. How foolish. I don't quite comprehend why I have clung to this notion for so long when I know better.

[color=000099]It seems to me that in Jewish culture, there was a line between being a child and a man[/color]

In many ways I feel as though I did not cross that line. I still catch myself stomping my feet like a little boy and angrily crying "that's not fair." Ugh, such confessions hurt to admit. God grant me repentance from such whining.

[color=000099]'It suspends a person in adolescence.'[/color]

This is all too true. The friend I mentioned above has been smoking it his whole life, and at forty years old still has the thought processes of a teenager to some degree. I hate to think of how my growth may have been different had I never touched it myself. At least I know I am forgiven.

[color=000099]Also, I took the advice of Oswald Chambers not to worry about what others might think of my outward appearance - of how far it might fall short of their expectation of Christian behaviour. He said to concentrate on one's inner consistency of relationship with God. I really commend this thought to you.[/color]

Thank you, this really must be my focus. I must also toss aside my own expectations. In many ways I have begun to settle this matter in my heart. I still must do battle with it, but I recognize the pattern sooner and get back on course, that is to say I let go and rest in His grace.

[color=000099]I really hope none of this sounds patronising[/color]

On the contrary, you have been nothing less than a blessing in all you've said.

[color=000099]I found it very challenging, and it brought me to tears.[/color]

I am moved and very thankful that my tale has somehow ministered to others. This is truly humbling.

In His Love,

Doug

Jeanette, can so much appreciate and relate to what you shared here...

"The Lord has basically exposed the root motive for joining this and other discussion forums. Pride, yes, but also, it seems, a need to "make my mark" in some way. Especially, on a forum such as this, to demonstrate my knowledge, wisdom and maturity in the Lord. To gain respect of others, to be listened to instead of being ignored."

Had a similar experience right around the time I joined the forums, one year ago today, if I'm not mistaken. Here's a sort of record of it that I posted here on the forums

[url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=9686&forum=35&4]Covetousness(My Own)[/url]

During this time as I was seeking to share the Gospel as much as possible I was also noticing all sorts of rotten motives surfacing. Still do. At the same time have been dealing with a mysterious pain and in and through it all am believing that this is God's way of dealing with all of this in me.

At the same time, I feel like God is taking me to depths I've never even thought of. I want to be real sister. If there is one thing I believe our God hates it is hypocrisy. I want to be real, through and through and through. At the same time I can still see in myself so much that is false false false! It stinks.

I feel like God has given me some deep deep things and yet I lack the substance of those very things?! It's like being able to paint an ocean but never being able to sink into its depths.

Something which a brother gave me right as I was entering all this was a verse from Job:

[i] But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.[/i]

Amen.

Dear Doug,

I must say this is probably the most incredible thread I have read so far. The honesty exhibited by precious members breaks my heart. Your testimony and LittleGift's, oh my. These are both things to spend much time and prayer applying to my own life.

I have been saved for since 1976 and for all that time I felt I followed hard after the Lord. I'm sure that was part of my difficulty, "I" followed hard after the Lord. I had a few issues along the way, but I wasn't like most guys, at least not in my own brain.

Well last year I went through a period where the "tiny" sins that I did and repented of took a strong grip upon my life. I blatantly did these things, although nobody around me would have known it, except my attitude began to stink at times. But what happened is I lost that tangible awareness of His presence. One day I realized just how far I had slipped and it had taken me unawares. I began to seek God again and couldn't find Him. I wept and thought of my self as Esau who had sold his birthright for a plate of stew. I had the verse come before me about it being almost impossible for those who had tasted the good things of God to be restored if the trample under foot the blood of Christ. I experienced the dark night of the soul and feared there was no remedy for me.

I begged and cried, repented and repented some more and began to saturated myself in His word and worship and little by little He began to reveal to my heart the "small" places of rebellion I had succumbed to all along in my Christian walk. They seemed very small at first and even at times seem justified because of circumstances in my life. I saw that that thread was woven into everything. There were several areas and I'll tell you one. I would spend money here and there and not share that with my spouse, I could hide it ways, not big money, never big money. However it's the little foxes that spoil the vine. There were other areas as well more personal that I won't go into specifically. Just know that I came to realize that it all came to a head because of little rebellions along the long way of my walk.

I feel part of the problem was because the road had been so long and difficult and I grew weary of the journey and so I just gave into my sinful ways more fully.

I am happy to say that in my despair I came to the place where I knew that even though I had walked a long time and did adhere to God's ways more than many, it wasn't good enough. I could never be good enough in myself. I acknowledged I was destitute of any ability to help myself and with the acknowledging I was set free.

My joy and wareness of God has returned. I find myself all by myself smiling and rejoicing over the littlest things. Truly He gives us beauty for ashes and the oil joy for morning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

I have also learned that little sins or compromises are rebellion and with God nothing is little. It is just too bad that it took over thirty years to learn. But then the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord and maybe I couldn't have learned it until now.

Know this Bro. Doug, He who began a good work in you will complete it. Rejoice that He has given you a woman who loves you. Know that He will bring it all together for His purpose and plan in His perfect timing.

I will pray for you and your wife. Again thanks to you and to the others who shared so honestly, especially LittleGift. It has given me the boldness to confess my sins to you that I might be healed.

Dear Saints,

I must skip the personal replies to all this for the moment. I have been shown a deep root to my difficulties with my walk and wanted to share it as it seems many of us are going through similar dealings.

I am angry with the Lord! This morning I had to forgive Him. This is a very strange concept, as forgiveness is what we must do when we are sinned against, and God cannot sin. However, forgiveness is more a matter of our perception of anothers actions toward us. It is the method we must use to remove bitterness. Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who are indebted to us. This connotes a sense of "them" owing us retribution.

I come from a highly succesful family. Mom and Dad have masters degrees, sister has BA plus some secondary degree in Christian ed. Step sisters (3) all college grads, most of them (incl blood relatives) had near 4.0 gpas throughout school. I was blessed with the same dna that enabled these marks. My IQ is in the 135-140 range. Oh how great in the kingdom of God I should be! This is the pathetic pride of my turmoiled soul at work.

The reality is that I tested out of H.S. I was a fast food specialist, stoner, truck driver etc. All things that fall way short of my high and mighty potential. Why won't you raise me up into leadership O God? I have such great and marvelous insights into the kingdom! Do you not see how valuable I would be to the body? This reasoning in my subconcious pride produced a deep bitterness in me against God. It is to erradicate this bitterness that I must therefore forgive Him. Not due His sin (I tremble to even put those words together) but for my own sin in this anger, bitterness and rebellion.

God have mercy on me. Break me of this horrid, wretched pride. Grant that I would have the humility of genuine thanksgiving, for You have never let go of my hand in spite of the depths of my sin against You. Truly Your grace is amazing.

I humbly offer these thoughts to you all, pray for me please. This is very difficult to admit to myself. Yet I feel hope stirring in my heart as a result of baring this wretchedness to you all, my faithful and beautiful brethren.

In His Love and by His Grace,

Doug

Ugh, this is ugliness of the worst kind. No wonder I have needed to be broken.

Praise God Doug for your honesty,

It's the blood of Jesus that can break this prideful heart. That's been the only hope of mine as the Holy Spirit has shown me the depths of pride in my own heart. The devil will tempt you to run for a fig leaf of some sort and hide in despair, discouragement and unbelief.

Trust in Jesus Doug, He will purge this pride from your heart. He is faithful to do it. Praise God he has given you eyes to see. Do you know what a blessing that is my brother?