Suggestions on how to be a better spouse

I thought in light of some of the recent threads it might be helpful to share things that have been turning points in making a troubled marriage better.

The biggest one for me was finding out that true change came when I stopped trying to get my spouse to fulfill my needs and sought ways to meet my spouses needs. I found in being a blessing I was blessed back. However it took a while for this to bear fruit, one time wasn't enough to change decades of selfishness.

Another one came when I thought about when my children said or did things that hurt my feelings I was quick to forgive them, but with my spouse that wasn't the case. God showed me I had to have the same heart towards my spouse I did for my children. Love hardly notices when others do it wrong.

I apologise even if it's not my fault.

Also if I find us arguing I shut up. I listen and I answer her words without trying to defend myself. Humility is the key.

I learned that I needed to always think good thoughts about my husband. Magnify his good points and minimize his bad points. When I started this, all I could think of was he was a good father and provider.

As I refused to entertain negative thoughs about him and forgot things I didn't like I found later that I couldn't find much wrong with him.

Also before I was saved I ruled the roost and after I received Jesus I began to understand that my husband was the head. I began to back away and make room for him to make the final decisions, I did offer my thoughts still in a gentle way. He began to step up and be the man even though he wasn't serving Jesus the way he should. I would not compromise my faith however.

I found out that submission is not something that we've got to do, but something we get to do. It has nothing to do with superiority but with office. We just have different offices. He is the CEO and I his second in command. I found that anything with two head is a monster and that peace began to reign in my home as I submitted to his authority. It has never made me feel inferior, only covered.

I think wives need to understand what a priviledge submission is and that by only entertaining positive thought about our husband we will grow to respect them more and more because they will be the man.

I know that some women are in very difficult marriages that are abusive and would find it very difficult to impliment this, however this will help in most marriages.

If you think about it, when someones likes us, we know it. If they have been talking trash about us, we sense it when around them. If we are guilty of airing our husbands dirty laundry to other woman (people) we need to repent and only lift him up and praise him, or keep our mouths shut.

Pro 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

Pro 31:12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Me and my wife have been married 8 years this September. We are always bickering about stupid stuff and even though it seems like it rolls of my wifes back, it really sticks with me and I tend to hold a grudge. I have really been praying to have her come to christ but it seems like the intensity of the petty arguing is getting worse. We love each other so much but yet I have such a hard time being "thin-skinned"!
GOD Bless

Dear jamccor,

It can be very difficult to walk according to Christian principles if your wife is not saved. However it sounds like you are blessed with a wife who lets most things slide off her back instead of holding a grudge. This is something to be thankful for in your heart.

I would say that you must take the lead and not bicker. Two hands clapping can't make a noise if one doesn't move. The answer is to speak the truth in love and leave it at that, refusing to get into arguments. You are the husband and set the climate in your home. Forgive and forget. If you can't, ask God who will enable you to. God keeps no record of wrongs, niether should you. Shake it off. Don't let the sun go down on your anger:

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Eph 4:25 ¶ Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Eph 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Eph 4:27 Neither give place to the devil.

Eph 4:28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with [his] hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.

Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Eph 4:30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

Eph 4:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

Eph 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

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If there are issues your wife has about you that are reasonable try to be a peace maker:

Pick up your dirty clothes

Remember to tell her you love her and give gifts on days that mean something to her

Turn off the game if it really bothers her

Don't spend money that you shouldn't. Come to agreement in this area. You don't really need the latest ipod or video game, you just want it.

Don't humiliate her in front of people, build her up and let folks know she is more special than all the rest.

Don't point out her fat or a zit. Tell her she is beautiful, however if she is gaining a bit of weight lovingly let her know you both need to take care of your health because you want to live a long life with her.

I know this sounds like a lot of one sided stuff but it only takes one to make a start. When we are living a crucified life we will lay our life down for those we love and when she finally gives her life to Jesus, she will lay her life down for you. You must be the initiator of better things.

I could list a thousand other things that might bother a woman because I have experienced them all and failed until Jesus taught me about crucifixtion. However you know her deal. You know the things that she complains about. See if you can't love her even if you hate to watch Pride and Prejudice. Death to self is contagious. When she sees the beauty in you she will know that what you preach is real. Go for it brother.