Dear, dear brethren,
I am the wife of Doug (John 173). When I came home from work tonight I found the computer set up and a note from Doug encouraging me to read this entire thread, and add my thoughts if I felt so led.
What an incredible site this is! I cannot tell you how much your generosity has blessed me. These posts take much time and focus to compose, and I don’t take it lightly that each of you has invested that time in reaching out to my husband in a particularly desperate time in his life. Your collective wisdom, your intuition, your words of encouragement, the scripture references, songs, hymns and sharing of relevant works of great Christian authors leaves me feeling stunned and over-awed.
Doug has been very fair in his presentation of my feelings, my fears, and my reactions to his current struggles. While I love him fiercely, and am delighted to see him re-establish himself in his personal relationship with God, I am unable to reconcile myself to his latest declaration that he feels the Lord has impressed him to set aside the efforts required to become a successful real estate agent (or to pursue any other type of gainful employment) and to focus instead on prayer, reading the Bible and writing.
I am working as a temp – my job provides no medical or retirement benefits, nor any real security. Our future financial stability is definitely at risk. The job could end tomorrow. Understandably, I’m mightily concerned. It’s been nine months since he’s brought home a paycheck. We are only staying afloat because we have savings that we have been drawing from, along with a monetary gift from his family. But to what end? To drain it completely? To become destitute? To lose our home? Have his vehicle repossessed? I have been his biggest cheerleader for the last twenty years; nevertheless this is taking things one step too far for me.
Do I want him to grow stronger and become more firmly rooted in his faith? Absolutely. Am I prepared to see all that we’ve worked so hard for over the years to be lost in the process? No. If he insists on this path, I can’t stand by and watch.
[color=0000FF]“The deepest pain I feel is over how my struggles have impacted my wife. I am of the deepest conviction that obedience to God means ones spouse must be our foremost priority. When I told her I thought she would be better off without me I sincerely thought maybe she would be. As I was despairing of life. In that conversation I told her the only thing I truly want is to be in ministry. That I would be willing to give up everything if it meant being useful to Him. She interpreted this to mean I would give her up in order to attain this goal. What I meant was that I would give up my house, car etc. Her interpretation hurt her deeply.”[/color]
According to biblical teaching, our priorities should be God first, our spouse and children second, our jobs third. That is certainly in keeping with Doug’s priorities, but the sheer cliff between the second and third priorities is breathtaking. It is his responsibility to provide for hearth and home. I’m truly afraid to succumb to his request. I feel I can only support him emotionally if I see him making an effort to succeed in his newly chosen career path, or to choose another with a more realistic earning capacity.
I’ve seen his pattern too many times to not recognize the road signs along the way.
After a recent betrayal – investing in a very costly program without so much as discussing it with me until it was too late to back out, or better yet – discussing it with me prior to committing himself – he vowed that he would, in the future, keep me informed of both his triumphs and his struggles in ALL areas of his life, whether they be physical, spiritual, or business/real estate related. He stayed true to that vow when he recently shared the above quote with me. It frightened me, and I didn’t realize what his goal was: Full disclosure, as promised. Instead, I heard him saying that he wanted out of the marriage – that I was a deterrent to his success. What folly to think he could survive without even my paltry income! Does God’s promise to rest in Him and He will provide stretch so far? Do we not have an obligation to live IN the world (with all the responsibility that implies) without being OF the world?
I feel that Doug has lost his way. It breaks my heart to see him undergoing such pain and struggle. I was very blessed by the Madam Guyon piece, “The Blessedness of Winter.” It is such a poignant way to explain away the ugliness that I see on the outside. I already know of the beauty and potential inside.
[color=0000FF]“Over the years my struggles with my faith have caused a slow erosion in hers.”[/color]
When we met, I had a strong, vital walk with God. I had accepted the Lord four years prior. I was active in the church body, I was involved in outward ministry, I had a strong prayer life, and was surrounded by a body of believers that came alongside me and held my hands up in the times I didn’t have the strength or courage to. I sensed God’s presence and guidance in my life. I was not afraid to listen to Godly council and act on it. I was at the church any time the doors were open … Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. I went to bible studies on the nights in between if one was being held, and was willingly held accountable by my brothers and sisters in the Lord.
I was not prepared in any way for the reality of the impact marrying can have on a woman who is a believer (or at least the way it impacted me). I was 28 years old when we married. Suddenly I have a covering, one who stands in the gap (I didn’t realize there WAS a gap!) between God and my husband. If he’s heard from God that we are to move in a new direction, yet I haven’t gotten the same sense from the Lord, it is my wifely duty to trust my husband’s wisdom and guidance. One, two, three, four … five times?? (Seven times seventy?) Different churches each time. Not enough time to get built into the fabric of the church family before he decides this wasn’t the right decision after all and bails out. Months of not going to church before risking trying another. More isolated with each move. Craning my neck as I look backward to what was. Despairing of what I see before me. How many times before I find myself shaking my fist at God, saying, “He loves You with all his being!! Why can he not discern your direction more clearly? Surely this is not what you had in mind for us, God!”
Doug’s struggles weren’t with his faith – his struggles were and continue to be with the church. The eternal quest to find a like-minded body of believers. People who are not afraid to be transparent and real with one another. True worship that encompasses heart, soul, body and mind – that draws one into the very Holy of Holies … to bow at the feet of the One True God. If one has once tasted of that experience, how can one accept anything less? If we had only known what we had before we so blithely left that first church. Now many years and 1700+ miles stand between us. There’s no going back at this point. And even if we did, would it still be “home”? Not likely. We’ve gone back to visit and felt like strangers in a strange land. Is it any wonder I’m discouraged? Or unwilling to try it yet again?
[color=0000FF]“I will leave you with this. Tell your wife exactly how you feel. Tell her your love for her and how you feel responsibility for her not going to church now, etc. Then tell her you have determined to follow Jesus with every ounce of your being and do it. Go to church even if she doesn't. Be faithful, sometimes our spouse is waiting to see if we really mean it this time.”[/color]
You have hit the nail on the head, and Doug has done this. When he decided to go back to church last June, I initially told him that he needed to prove that he would stay with it – that I couldn’t bear to go with him only to be torn away again. After a few months where he went faithfully, I was afraid that if I were to begin going to church with him again that it would change the dynamic of what I saw the Lord doing in his life. I didn’t want to risk it. Then he started begging me and attempting emotional blackmail to get me back at his side in church. It only makes me resist that much more. I haven’t rejected God, my beliefs, or my knowledge/understanding of His word. What I HAVE done is forsake the assembling of the saints. I have stopped nourishing my relationship with Him. And so I have withered on the vine. Any more, going to church for me is a social outlet, and the hypocrisy of that eats at me like a cancer.
[color=0000FF]“I understand the body of Christ has disappointed you...but this thread shows you are not as alone as you might suspect! Jesse Penn Lewis, in her book War on the Saints, reminds us that the Spirit...the presence of Jesus, is not our own private unique supply, but is one presence given to be shared in the body of Christ. We can not progress in God without communion in Christ's body.”[/color]
Well said. Why are the long-sought-after, like-minded brethren anonymous people on a website and not our neighbors and coworkers and fellow church-goers? I long for God to wake up the corporate body of Christ, and for His spirit to move upon us once again.
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[color=0000FF]“One thing that is seriously going to have to change in many circles in the Body of Christ is our expression of love one towards another. For so long there has been a "Never let them see you sweat" attitude that the enemy has singled out many and attacked them to the point of despair. Add to that a constant barrage of repentance preaching and a scenario of despair develops.“[/color]
How do we bring out that change? I’ve seen the “Sunday mask” at every church we’ve attended over the last ten or more years. It says, “I’m OK, and you’d better be OK too. If you’re not, don’t burden me with your problems. I don’t have the time or energy for it. Here’s a mask. Put it on, please.” It’s as though they hand them out at the doors. How can we encourage one another in pursuing a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with God when we’re behind that kind of barrier? If we can’t admit we’re struggling, how can we pray effectively or intercede on one another's behalf? When you feel that you are the only one struggling, while all else are maintaining or growing in their faith, you’re right. You become ripe for the picking. The enemy is surely wily. One must be bold, and able to command the attention of many to even begin to effect change. What if you’re halting of speech in a crowd? What if your personal insecurities rise up like a roaring lion at the mere thought of speaking in a large group setting? What if you don’t have your pastor’s ear? What if you’re perceived as emotionally weak, and therefore suspect?
[color=0000FF]“Stop focusing on just the things that are wrong and allow God's grace to shine through.”[/color]
Wise council, indeed. I apologize that this has been a rant rather than an encouragement. I never would have thought to post my thoughts on this site had Doug not encouraged me to do so. Just know how thankful I am to you all for your prayers, your encouragement and emotional support.
With His love,
Carol
