Dear Saints,
In light of the recent disputing and libeling that went on in these forums, I've felt a need to search the heart of God for my life. As result, He showed me all the ugliness, dark pride, lust, conceit, selfishness, sloth, unforgiveness, greed and hypocrisy lurking in my heart. All these things thrive within me and swirl about like diseased fish in a muddy aquarium. About a month and a half ago, my wife and I were absolutely devastated by a personal loss in our family. Around this time, I was assaulted an all fronts by rogue thoughts, unmitigated lusts, and explosive impulses of wrath. My head was spinning. I couldn't read the Bible anymore, and I had no strength to pray as I felt heaven was shut-up like brass.
I privately messaged a few key brethren (and a sister) on SI to inform them I would no longer be posting, as the pain was too far great and I was now seeing myself as a loathsome hypocrite. I have been through these storms before, many times, but each new time the winds seem to blow more vehemently, the lightening crashes more deafeningly, and the rain and hail take on more of a sting. The truth is, you can never really get used to the increasing magnitude of these storms and the increasing challenges they pose; you can only keep looking to Jesus and lean on the prayers of the healthy saints graciously interceeding on your behalf.
Well, in the midst of these trials, as I've already said, God laid me low. He showed me how detestable my Adamic nature still is, how it still thrives in the dark recesses of my heart, how treacherous a subject I truly am without the grace of Christ. If there is one thing the Lord wants to re-inforce over and over and over and over again through these trials, it is this: Without the constant grace of God I am hopelessly lost. This is the greatest, most monumental truth I've ever learned. That there is absolutely no merit in my life at all to cling to. I am just as vile and base and godless and wicked as anyone this world who dies without Christ. God gave me a glimpse of my natural face in the glass of the perfect law of liberty, and what I saw was a grostesque Adamic corpse staring back at me with distant eyes and mouth ajar. It was not at all like the glorious blaze I see when I peek out from behind Jesus. The Son of God's reflection blinds me, and impels me to inexpressibly rejoice in awe and thanksgiving that God's covenant is with [i]Him
Saints, I can truly say that I am the least of the least, a filthy worm, and this hymn is one that I've turned to time and time again when the flaming darts are sailing my way. Sometimes we get the wind knocked out of us, and we lower the shield. Sometimes we get bludgeoned unexpectedly and the Sword falls from our hand. Sometimes we lay our helmets aside so we can chew our food better, and are suddenly ambushed. And sometimes, we are fully loaded and ready to fight but instead of looking to Jesus we look to our own skills and somehow stumble and lose our footing during the melee. This hymn by Newton has been such a blessing, and I've posted it on SI in the past. It is quite unknown; I've never heard it referenced before, and it was by pure serendipity while browsing through Newton's vast collection of hymnody that I stumbled upon it. It was like finding diamond on the side of the road.
I want to share it with my brethren once again, and I do suggest taking the time to meditate on the deep truth it contains. Its message has been a soothing balm for me over and over and over again.
May our Lord bless us all with pure and righteous desires.
I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.
’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.
I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.
Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.
Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.
"Lord, why is this," I trembling cried,
"Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?"
“’Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith.
These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”
