Thank you..again..Dorcas...
You shed light to some of the points that I am trying to figure out...
I mean, I am not 'an evangelist' (or am I) just like you wonder how full you are of the Spirit.... let me say this in comment upon your predicament.... that if you were not [i]flowing[/i] in the Spirit, you would have nothing to say, and that as you are pouring out, God Himself is pouring in. This is one reason sometimes we don't [i]feel[/i] our fulness. But, if you are really spreading the word, then you will have a particular sort of [u]joy[/u], which is unique to evangelism. It's almost like an endorphin in its urgency towards acquiring more (if possible) as soon as possible by telling someone else (about Jesus). People obviously respond not just to your sincerity, but to some note of authority in your testimony (which you probably can't hear in your own voice).
I cannot get enough of this feeling...it beats any drug or worldly substance that I have ever felt.
It is funny... because as I 'witness', I am praying that God 'fill' me and give me the right words to say. In my mind, I have no idea what I am going to say, but as long as I stay focused on God, the words come out smoothly with conviction. This was evident today, when more people showed up and I was thinking that I was not sure how to 'curve' my message so that it would incorporate those that heard and those that were hearing for the first time.
As my fiancee translated, it gave me time to 'meditate' or pray that the Spirit be with us and as soon as she finished translating a particular sentence or idea the words came to me. It was as though I was witnessing my own witnessing. I saw myself there, along with my fiancee, talking about Christianity and other related things, as people came and stopped and listened and asked questions, but it did not seem to take any power on my behalf, nor did my fiancee have any difficulty translating what I said.
It was surreal and when we departed from them, my fiancee and I just looked at one another with a pleasant smile and understanding that what we did, although relatively new and strange, was 'nice' and strengthening.
In most cases, I believe my fiancee does what I ask, however, I am beginning to believe that this is because she and I are in belief that I am following my heart where the Spirit is growing.
Lately, I have been weeping more and more for and over more and more things. My old way of life is but testimony for me now and although I pray that I would never 'turn back' to wickedness, I know our Lord has a plan for my family and that it is too late for me to 'turn back' now. The light is my life.
It is not all a bed of roses, this I know for certain. The devil's (t)horns are everywhere we go. As long as I continually seek His face, the devil will be behind and under our feet.
I cannot do anything else in this life but to please Him for all that He has done for me.
Sometimes, I look at who I am now compared to who I was and laugh at how much I have grown and changed.
Getting back to God's wrath, will I be in more trouble with Him if I [i]don't[/i] proclaim the gospel, than if I do it badly though well-meaningly, or, is there a place for a real Christian simply not to tell people about Jesus?In writing, that question looks ridiculous, but, this is the way some of us think (thought) was a good (or a better) way to proceed, just in case we were not speaking [i]in[/i] the will of God.
When I think of His sacrifice, it seems even less plausible that He would not want everyone to hear, but, there must be a way of keeping quiet too, so that God can do His own work amongst those who know us the best, and also, that He knows [i]them[/i] the best, and how to speak apart from our 'knowledge' of the difficulties in the lives of such as colleagues and acquaintances.
This makes me think back 5 years ago, when I attended World Youth Day 2002. I truly believe God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit??? spoke directly to my heart and asked me if I would follow. This experience led me to search truth, but since I knew nothing about 'Christianity' or the differences of the other faiths like Catholics, I spent the next year 'telling' people God is real and that He spoke to me.
This eventually confused me because everyone thought that I was crazy and I did not know where to go 'exactly' to get answers. Eventually, I was led to a church and was 'set straight', but that was after more drug and alcohol abuse and being thrown in the rubber room of a hospital for 6 weeks.
While there I read my new bible and was eventually allowed to go to the church. A year later I was baptized and was more able to 'witness' to my experiences. Over the next few years, I have been learning more and am more able to 'witness' better.
So, I think and feel that although my initial "God is real, because he spoke to me" witnessing was not so effective, I do believe that it was and will be a 'stepping stone' for me and will allow my overall purpose to strengthen and take shape while God continues to use me as His...disciple, messenger, evangelist or just a Christian who witnesses his testimony.
I see the progress and how God has used me in different situations, even though I may, at times, have spoken, when I should have been listening. I have much to learn and am becoming more willing to do so.
Going back to your 'dream' I was thinking around Christmas and our approach to it, that the things the angels said were 'goodwill from God to man' and 'peace on earth'. We need to minister these truths unashamedly. God has reconciled the world to Himself, through Jesus Christ. You and your fiancee are His ambassadors and I'm sure it pleases Him to see and inspire your witness.
A few months ago, while sleeping at my fiancee's grandmothers home, my fiancee woke me up and asked me why I said her name. I had no idea what she was talking about, but she insisted that she heard a man with a strong voice say "Mira, Mira"... She was soooooo certain and was convinced that it was something and maybe of the Spirit.
The 'jury' is still out on that one... ;)
About a month ago, we were having problems with our morning church and were contemplating going to another. One day we decided to 'skip' it and have our own morning church at home, after a short nap. During our nap, I had a dream about our morning church pastor and wife. It was about them getting mad at us and them driving me to the 'crazy hospital'. This somewhat confused the both of us and made us feel guilty.
Two days later, she met with them and got a bad 'vibe' and that evening I had another 'strange' dream where I was trying to feed the pastors children because he was not there, when he came home and yelled at me. This made me think that the first dream may have meant that I SHOULD NOT be there, rather than feeling guilty for not showing up.
The next evening, I had another dream that she and I were sitting in the morning church and we just stood up and left. That same night, my fiancee had a dream (at her home with her parents) that she told the pastor's wife that we could not longer attend their morning church. In the dream, the pastors wife yelled at my fiancee.
So...my fiancee and I decided last week to STOP going. I took her there last Saturday afternoon and together we told the pastor's wife (ironically the pastor was away with his 'puritian' senior pastor [I now use the Korean definition of puritan VERY loosely]). The pastor's wife did seem mad and did try to make us feel guilty, but all in all we 'escaped' unharmed.
We now are attending our main (Sunday) churches morning church (confusing...? not really!). Her families church is 100 meters from my apartment, but her family lives about 10 km away, so her father suggested that she and I go to the morning church near their house. Unfortunately, for me,I had to get up and go there, but fortunately, now, I get to go to the church near my house and they have to do the traveling each morning. It's all about balance!!
Anyway...that's my story and I'm stickin to it...thank you again...
God Bless that listen when called,
BrianMira