Here is what I will be sharing in my church on Mother's Day:
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Finding Spiritual Rest
lessons from motherhood
Tim and I have four children – aged 21 to 29 – two girls and two boys. When our children were young, nothing was more important to me than being a good mom. I took my motherhood role very seriously. No doubt I had absorbed my values from my Dutch heritage. The Dutch were conscientious, hard workers, resourceful, and persevering – a lot like the Scots, right?
Just like my parents, I wanted to offer my children every good thing that was available for them – I don’t mean material indulgences, but opportunities to enrich their lives and help them become well-adjusted citizens who loved God and others. And there is a lot available out there – like the library, government programs, clubs, educational resources, and sights to see. Then there were my own natural abilities, including my past education – like my nursing, music, informal training, church background, and my rich experiences.
I knew how to get by. Whenever I was unsure about any aspect of child rearing, I would ask someone or find a book about it. I wanted to provide the best any mother could, and for a time I did quite well. People even praised me for being a good mom.
But my ideals rested on a shaky foundation. They depended on my own strength, on others, and on society. Also, hidden under the surface of my noble desires, were all kinds of selfish motives: I wanted to cover my nagging insecurities. I wanted to please people so that they would accept me. I wanted to feel in control. I was task-driven, yet weak in the area of relationship.
Of course, God could see through my illusions about life and my faulty goals. He knew that I had placed my trust on a shaky foundation. But I had no idea – that is, until that foundation began to crumble. And it did – through an extended series of crisis in my family, during which I discovered a far more secure way of life:
In 1989 my two oldest children, then 9 and 11 were diagnosed with diabetes on the same day. Shortly afterwards I became ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; but didn’t know that for a long time. That led to several complications - involving medical, educational, social, emotional, and relational challenges. I could not keep on top of things. We as a family were unraveling. It was horrible. I felt like I was struck down, and there was no way I could get up. Rev. Samuel’s recent sermon in which she told how the apostle Paul was struck down and blinded by God on the road to Damascus reminded me of my own experiences. I too was zealously going in the wrong direction.
One day I was traveling down the highway to take a child to the doctor. A slow vehicle was in front of me, and so I pulled out to pass. I could not understand why the transport truck coming my way had pulled over to the shoulder. My illness had hampered my ability to think. (That is a common symptom of CFS.) Some days I could not think how to prepare food for the children, or I didn’t have the strength. That’s not good for diabetics who need strict dietary routines.
I believe that many times God spared us from the potentially harmful effects of our various incapacities. For example: One cold wintry day I noticed that my son did not return home from school, and so I went looking for him. I found him face down in the snow in the schoolyard. He had succumbed to an insulin reaction. I managed to carry him home and restore him, all the while grateful to God for giving me the strength.
During the worst of those days, I wished that Tim could have been more involved. But, alas, I had to accept the fact that he needed to focus on his teaching job – and bring in the income. I needed to lean on God.
We were a vulnerable family with so many needs. Many times people let us down - like when doctors made mistakes, or friends didn’t understand, or teachers ignored recommendations. My illusions about mankind were fast eroding. Really, no people could fix our family. We were too broken to fix. But in many ways, they were too. We live in a broken world that often does not or cannot come through for us in the way we hope. You, no doubt, have discovered that we can’t even live up to our own expectations!
I became very disillusioned in myself. I was failing to be a good mom, or a good Christian, or a good anything. I thought God couldn’t possibly love me anymore. I experienced a lot of guilt - not only for disappointing God, but also for constantly letting people down. I was unreliable.
But during those days some very good things happened as a result of those not-so-good things. And that made it all worth it. My task-orientation was replaced with a focus on relationship – beginning with my relationship with God. I discovered that God’s love was not dependent on my goodness and my excellent church record, but on his amazing grace.
I was learning to seek God like I had never done before. I didn’t have energy for much, but I could read and pray. The Bible came alive and made brand-new sense. I saw that it is not just a book of rules and sweet meditations - but it is God’s message to humanity, and shows how he draws us into relationship with him.
I discover what Jesus meant when he said:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened
and I will give you rest.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mat. 11:28
Jesus promises to carry our loads if we enter into a relationship with him. Jesus wasn’t merely talking about rest for a physical weariness, but for a different kind of weariness. He said,
"…you will find rest for your SOULS. Matt. 11:29
He is talking about the burden of guilt. Guilt is a terrible load. It wearies us. I couldn’t see it in me, though. As long as I had enough energy and ability to do the right things – like be a good mother, I could keep my guilt suppressed – out of consciousness. I had no idea that through my zealous efforts I was really keeping God at a distance. I was trying to cover my guilt and shame myself, you know, like Adam and Eve did when they made fig leaves, and then wouldn’t admit their sin to God.
Hiding our guilt is hard work. We will eventually collapse under the load that we create for ourselves. It also separates us from God.
I needed to see my need for Christ, not only to protect me and provide for my daily temporal needs, but also to be a Savior – to forgive me and save me from the eventual destruction of condemnation. I needed God to lead me into his wonderful rest.
That is the same gift that countless Christians have discovered, and we share in that joy every Sunday - through the hymns that some of them wrote, like John Newton's “Amazing Grace”, or Fanny Crosby's “Blessed Assurance"
While I have enjoyed singing their songs for many years, I have also needed my own journey.
Diane