[i]Some few years before his death, (Richard) Baxter took a minute and extensive survey of his own character, and committed it to paper. From this paper the following extracts are taken
“Because it is soul-experiments which those that urge me to this kind of writing do expect that I should especially communicate to others, and I have said little of God’s dealing with my soul since the time of my younger years, I shall only give the reader so much satisfaction as to acquaint him truly what change God hath made upon my mind and heart since those unripe times, and wherein I now differ in judgment and disposition from myself. And, for any more particular account of heart-occurrences, and God’s operations on me, I think it somewhat unsavory to recite them; seeing God’s dealings are much the same with all his servants in the main, and the points wherein he varieth are usually so small, that I think such not fit to be repeated. Nor have I any thing extraordinary to glory in, which is not common to the rest of my brethren, who have the same spirit, and are servants of the same Lord. And the true reason why I do adventure so far upon the censure of the world, as to tell them wherein the case is altered with me, is, that I may take off young, inexperienced Christians from being over-confident in their first apprehensions, or overvaluing their first degrees of grace, or too much applauding and following unfurnished, inexperienced men; but may somewhat be directed what mind and course of life to prefer, by the judgment of one that hath tried both before them.
“The temper of my mind hath somewhat altered with the temper of my body. When I was young, I was more vigorous, affectionate and fervent in preaching, conference, and prayer, than ordinarily I can be now: my style was more extemporary and lax; but by the advantage of affection, and a very familiar moving voice and utterance, my preaching then did more affect the auditory, than many of the last years before I gave over preaching; but yet what I delivered was much more raw, and had more passages that would not bear the trial of accurate judgments, and my discourses had both less substance and less judgment than of late.
“My understanding was then quicker, and could more easily manage any thing that was newly presented to it upon a sudden; but it is since better furnished, and acquainted with the way’s of truth and error, and with a multitude of particular mistakes of the world, which then I was the more in danger of, because I had only the faculty of knowing them, but did not actually know them. I was then like a man of a quick understanding that was to travel a way which he never went before, or to cast up an account which he never laboured in before, or to play on an instrument of music which he never saw before; and I am now like one of somewhat a slower understanding, by that prematura senectus, which weakness and excessive bleedings brought me to, who is traveling a way which he hath often gone, and is casting up an account which he hath often cast up, and hath ready at hand, and that is playing on an instrument which he hath often played on: so that I can very confidently say, that my judgment is much sounder and firmer now than it was then; and I can now judge of the effects, as well as of the acting’s of my understanding; and, when I peruse the writings which I wrote in my younger years, I can find the footsteps of my unfurnished mind, and of my emptiness and insufficiency: so that the man that followed my judgment then, was more likely to be misled by me than he who should follow it now.
“And yet, that I may not say worse than it deserveth of my former measure of understanding, I shall truly tell you what change I find now, in the perusal of my own writings. Those points, which then I thoroughly studied, my judgment is the same of now as it was then; and therefore , in the substance of my religion, and in those controversies which I then searched into, with some extraordinary diligence, I find not my mind disposed to a change. But in divers points that I studied slightly and by the halves, and in many things which I took upon trust from others, I have found since that my apprehensions were either erroneous, or very lame.
“And I must say further, that what I last mentioned on the by, is one of the most notable changes of my mind. In my youth I was quickly past my fundamentals, and was running up into a multitude of controversies, and greatly delighted with metaphysical and scholastic writings, though, I must needs say, my preaching was still on the necessary points. But, the older I grew, the smaller stress I laid upon these controversies and curiosities, (though still my intellect abhorreth confusion,) as finding far greater uncertainties in them than I at first discerned, and finding less usefulness comparatively, even when there is the greatest certainty. And now it is the fundamental doctrines of the catechism which I most highly value, and daily think of, and find most useful to myself and others. The creed, the Lord’s prayer, and the ten commandments, do find me now the most acceptable and plentiful matter for all my meditations. They are to me as my daily bred and drink. And, as I can speak and write of them over and over again, so I had rather read or hear of them, than any of the school niceties, which once so pleased me. And thus I observed it was with old Archbishop Usher, and with many other men; and I conjecture that this effect also is mixed of good and bad, according to it’s causes.
“The bad cause may, perhaps, be some natural infirmity and decay. And, as trees, in the spring, shoot up into branches, leaves, and blossoms, but, in the autumn, the life draws down into the root; so possibly my nature, conscious of its infirmity and decay, may find itself insufficient for numerous particles, and to rise up for the attempting of difficult things, and so my mind may retire to the root of christian principles; and also I have often been afraid, lest ill-rooting at first, and many temptations afterwards, have made it more necessary for me than many others to retire to the root, and secure my fundamentals. But, upon much observation, I am afraid lest most others are in no better a case; and that, at the first, they take it for a granted thing, that Christ is the Saviour of the world, and that the soul is immortal, and that there is a heaven and a hell, &c. while they are studying abundance of scholastic superstructures, and at last will find cause to study more soundly their religion itself, as well as I have done.
[i]Cont.
