Loving life and full of hope

Dear Brethren,

I just bumped my old thread called "sick of life and losing hope." I thought maybe an update would be in order. As the old thread will no doubt begin to drop out of sight, [url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=15201&forum=44&29]read it here[/url] if you are interested in some more of the back story.

Back in June of '05 I was so frustrated with my Christan walk that I had given up hope and stopped going to church altogether. I was living in a numb backsliden state, angry, rebellious and living in sin. One of the results of this was that I grew a large black mole on my cheek. I am bearded so it wasn't too evident to others but I sure was aware of it.

In March of '06 I began to cry out to God, haltingly asking for His mercy. By late May I had concluded that I needed to purposely place myself in a position that I knew would require God's hand to succeed or I would 'die'. I did this by abandoning my career as a truck driver and getting a real estate license. I knew going in that my personality is not a good fit for this type of venture, but I was that desperate for God.

In June of '06 I returned to church and began classes toward this goal. The mole vanished! I was licensed in August and began the most arduous and difficult year of my life. In January of '07 I discovered SI, and reached out to this wonderful community of saints. There is another thread somewhere (I can't remember the title) where I initially asked for prayer. In February '07 I was so despairing that I began the thread linked above.

Things began to improve considerably after this. I felt like I had come into a new place in my walk and had hope once again. Unfortuneately there was an old dragon that I just couldn't find victory over. I became addicted to softcore pornography at the age of ten. This besetting sin was still part of my life. I prayed and prayed in anguished repentance eyery time I fell. At one point I honestly thought I had found victory over it and even started a post regarding victory over sin. I managed to stay clean for 4 or 5 weeks, but alas found a day of discouragement and stumbled once again.

At this point I went into a hopeless level of discouragement. I vanished from SI altogether, and I stopped even attempting to succeed at real estate. Day after day I would sit in my chair, playing computer games, reading a novel, and yes, surfing the internet for porn. I continued going to church at every opportunity, but kept my true struggles to myself. This went on for months.

During this time I still dropped in on occasion to SI, without logging on. I was lead to a link to a testimony during one of those visits. This testimony spoke about praying the 'whatever it takes' prayer. I knew I had to follow suit. The despair just got worse. I spent hours in prayer that ended with me on the floor rolling around in a fetal position weeping uncontrollably. At this time I began to understand that the scripture refering to taking up the cross daily was central to moving forward. Honestly, I had been a Christian for 28 years without ever really understanding what this meant or how to obey it. I began asking the Holy Spirit to teach me its meaning and to help me follow this directive.

Oh, how faithful is our God! For the first time in my life I know how to begin my day. At the foot of the cross, confessing my utter inadequacy, leaving no room for even a trace of self sufficiency. I am stirred once again to renewed hope and a vigorous hunger for Him. Thus I have returned to SI and have once again ventured out to follow the route I feel called to follow. I don't know where He will lead me, but I am at rest and trusting Him fully to show me the path. Somehow I doubt real estate will be in the picture, but who knows. As I've prayed over this aspect of my life I got the scripture that says 'unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies...' If our Lord wants to resurrect it later, wonderful. If not, well Praise His Name! Father knows best. :-)

In His Love,

Doug

Edit:I found my original prayer request thread called [url=https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?mode=viewtopic&topic_id=14729&forum=44&start=0&viewmode=flat&order=0]A broken heart[/url] and wanted to link it here. In part because I want to re-read it myself and don't have time at the moment.

Hallelujah! His grace is Amazing! His grace is sufficient! His grace is enough! Praise Jesus!

I've been thinking this afternoon about some of the things that have changed in my recent renewal. Another aspect that I haven't had in my walk is the fear of God. I depended on the grace of God too much. This always gave me the knowledge that I could repent later. At some inspecific point in the past month I began to recognize and understand the necessity of [i]fearing[/i] God's wrath regarding my sin.

Another element was the uncovering of my rage. I began a thread called "Healing the soul" which goes into more detail. Sometime about a month ago I was so frustrated in my prayers that I became angry. This anger actually unleashed a torrent of built up rage. I was a bit taken back to discover the level of anger that remained in my heart. I began to pray over this area and was convicted of sin. The responsibility for this anger could no longer lay at the feet of ancient wounds such as my parents divorce and my perceived abandonment by my dad. The responsibility was mine to repent for holding on to the bitterness. When I lay this carcass at His feet and asked for His forgiveness I discovered an amazing release in my heart. I'm honestly not angry anymore! What a joy it is to me to search my heart and not find bitterness and resentment and anger floating in its depths.

In His Love,

Doug

I too praise the Lord with you. I will keep you in my prayers

in his love
charlene

thank you for such a honest and humble heart
May God keep braking us.