Yes, this post is lengthy, but I do care to give you a whole-counsel answer. I have seen your posts for many weeks now and with affection desire your benefit.
My dear brother, perhaps my own testimony may help you. I also came to a severe struggle after hearing Paul Washer's Youth Evangelism sermon, amongst others. I had gone to bible college, been a missionary, and other things, yet in his sermons I realized something was missing. That "something" was a natural - or supernatural, if you will - hungering and thirsting after righteousness. I wanted to obey the bible to a convenient extent, but I had no hunger to be "perfect as the Father in heaven is perfect".
Soon I came to realize that new birth produces hunger after Christ's life in us, hunger after holiness. Without new birth, I could not be saved.
Yet, I also realized that no amount of perfection could make me acceptable to God.
"I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain." — Gal. 2:21.
What has scripture asked us to do that we may be saved? To believe on Christ as our righteousness. We are not told to believe on a feeling, nor upon Christ plus our obedience, but upon Christ alone, and upon His grace towards all who believe.
Romans 10
"4For Christ is the [b]end of the law[/b] for righteousness to every one that believeth.
5 For Moses describeth the righteousness which is of the law, That the man which doeth those things shall live by them.
6 But the righteousness which is of faith speaketh on this wise, Say not in thine heart, Who shall ascend into heaven? (that is, to bring Christ down from above:)
7 Or, Who shall descend into the deep? (that is, to bring up Christ again from the dead.)"
That is, do not think that to be saved one must attain to heaven on earth or prove your worth by traveling into hell and back again first...
"8 But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach;
9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
11 For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed."
The question comes then, How do I know if I have believed? How do I know if I have been born of God?
As a style of life do you set your mind on things of this world or upon things above?
Colossians 3:1-3
"If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God."
Do you love the world? That is, do you predominantly find your gratification in sinful things, or are your failings now bitter to your soul?
1 John 15-17
"Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever."
What is the will of God? That you believe on Him whom He sent.
John 6:27-29
"Labour not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you: for him hath God the Father sealed.
28 Then said they unto him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God?
29 Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent."
In short, you must surrender yourself to the kindness and goodness of God to do works necessary to save you. Give your salvation to His care, for He cares for you. Meanwhile, you must begin to thank him with obedience and service.
Though for years I had been very religious and devoted, shed many tears over sin and desired a form of godliness; at times cried out loudly to Jesus to change me, and gave unusual attention to the scriptures and prayer - yet for all this I had not understood the Gospel nor the imperative of "you MUST be born again." I thought, in heart if not in confession, that to be "born again" meant that I had prayed the prayer, felt a feeling, made a commitment, and tried my "best" to live according to the word. Surely it had never occurred to me that those who are "born again" of God's Spirit do not, as course of nature, give themselves to worldliness and set their minds on earthly things. (1 John) That seemed impossible to my then-unbelieving heart. But what is impossible for man is possible with God!
God, in His wisdom and providence, has made an example of me. I now understand what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, that a man can "give his body to be burned, and yet not have love," the true love of Christ living through him.
My dear friend, consider how good and gracious God's love is! Hear His Spirit through this most wonderful scripture, Titus 3:3
"For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another."
Ephesians 2:2-3, makes our position before salvation even more stark:
"Remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, WITHOUT HOPE and WITHOUT GOD in the world."
Until the Father draws a person by the influence and regeneration of the Spirit, that man is foreign to every promise of God. The promises come by faith alone, and faith comes only by hearing with spiritual ears. Jesus told the pharisees, "you are not my sheep, therefore you cannot hear." All men are by nature un-hearing, and will never willingly hear God unless He moves upon them in grace to give them hearing ears. "The hearing ear, and the seeing eye, the LORD hath made even both of them." [Proverbs 20:12] This is why Jesus said, "My sheep hear my voice and follow me," and "I lay down my life for the sheep. And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd."
Those who hear the voice of Jesus are the sheep of His flock. He is a truly good shepherd. He gives us our food, He leads us to still waters and causes the cup of our joys in the Spirit to overflow. He gave His precious life for us so that none can snatch us from His hand.
Think of the grace, the exquisite, lovely, free grace of God; that He did not save anyone BECAUSE they sought Him or chose Him. Rather, we who choose Him do so because somewhere in the garden of Garden of Gethsemane He prayed with blood for us to come. Because somewhere in the timelessness of eternity He called and elected us to grace. [Romans 8:29] "He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace." [Ephesians 1:4-7]
Which of us would have chosen anything besides sin if He did not open our ears?
"God looked down from heaven upon the children of men, to see if there were any that did understand, that did seek God. Every one of them is gone back: they are altogether become filthy; there is none that doeth good, no, not one." [Psalm 53:2-3] And, "the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God." [Romans 8:7-8]
We all deserved hell and nothing else forever. The unquenchable fires and desolate, lonely torments of a million - no, endless millions of years, this was our just wage for even the slightest sins against His awesome holiness. Feel something of the burning, something of the endless weeping and gnashing. And the unstoppable hate we would feel towards our Creator, it is almost unbearable to think of! If He had not drawn us we would, as others, run right out into the judgment still trusting in our own righteousness or, even worse, believing that God is unjust enough to pardon sinners not clothed in Christ.
Again, let us look to Titus 3:4-8
"But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,
NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS WHICH WE HAVE DONE, but ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE SAVED US, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;
Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour;
That being JUSTIFIED BY HIS GRACE, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life."
Does anyone deserve to come to Him? No. Would anyone come to Him on their own? No. Is anyone justified because they "asked Jesus into their heart." No. We are not saved because we asked, obeyed, or did anything... we did those things because we were BEING SAVED BY HIM. This is why we call Him the AUTHOR and FINISHER of salvation. He is not co-author. Our name is not in the credits, for all is done by grace.
Hebrews 13:20-21, "Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant,
21Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."
God saves His sheep because He is gracious. He has chosen a bride for His son not according to our works, but according to His kindness. We are not saved by commitments, prayers, or continued obedience - we are justified freely by His blood which needs no added works. This does not negate the essential commands to persevere; it makes them possible! So let us work boldly for Him out of thankfulness.
What it is to be "born again", I have discovered, is a supernatural transformation performed by the Spirit of God that turns the whole tide against selfishness and gives us a birthright to grateful holiness. It assures us of our position as heirs and changes our natures to long after Christ.
May God enable you to draw deeply from the Fountain of living waters, from the precious Lord Jesus, who enables us to rejoice always in His constant love.
