Torn Between Two Desires

"For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live."Does anyone else feel the same? Sometimes I want so much to go and be with Christ that I don't want to be in this world any more. Yet, I know it is probably for the benefit of others that I do not go. (or I would have gone by now :)Much of the time my hunger for more of Him is so strong that I feel I will explode or sink into the ground. Many times I feel that all the books and facts are just a small handful of fluff compared to sitting in His presence and getting to know Him more and more. There is so much difference between learning things about him and actually getting to "know Him". Sitting with Him in my closet or in the solitude of my car (to get away from the kids:) and to sit there breathing Him in, being clotheed in Him, being hidden in Him. It makes living in this world worth it. To feel my head rest against his chest, to hear His heartbeat as my thoughts become intertwined with His.Maybe a small taste of heaven? If so, I can't wait to be with Him for always.Once, when asked by my husband, what I felt like doing that evening- I honestly replied that I just wanted to go sit in some field with the Lord and listen to Him talk. I can't imagine being able to do that for hours. Just listen to all that He has to share, to hear His voice like rippling water as it quenches my thirsty soul.Oh, that I can make the most of my time here. That I won't displease Him by doing things my own way. I pray that I never lose this hunger that keeps me seeking after the nourishment of His presence.Hidden in Him, chanin

THOSE WHO SEEK AFTER GOD "God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men, to see if there is anyone who understands, who seeks after God" (Psalm 53:2). We simply must have more of Jesus. In the face of increasing wickedness in the world, our programs and ideas have failed. We need God. Those who understand the hour we face are seeking Him. The wise know that Christ Himself is our only strategy and hope. In the Song of Solomon 3:1-4, for here we find a bride and bridegroom who both are intolerant of the distance between them. The bride in the passage symbolizes the church in her deepest longings for Jesus; the Bridegroom symbolizes Christ. We will start with the third chapter; the bride is speaking. "On my bed night after night I sought him whom my soul loves...." True seeking of God is born out of love. Our quest for God is not a matter of discipline, but of desire. It is not a question of sacrifice, but of undistracted love. Your sleep is gone because your beloved is gone. You must seek Him, for such is the nature of love. Some will say, "But I already know the Lord. I have found Him." In truth, it was He who found us. Our salvation rests securely upon this fact. But while many are resting upon Christ's finding us, His bride arises now to find Him. In the very love which He inspired, she pursues her beloved. Oh, we must see that there is yet much more to learn and discover concerning our Lord. At the end of Moses' life, after being used by God to confront and defeat the gods of Egypt, after dwelling in the Lord's glory for forty years, Moses prays, "Thou hast begun to show Thy servant Thy greatness and Thy strong hand" (Deut 3:24). For all we think we know, we have seen but a glimpse of His glory. The apostle Paul wrote, "As many as are perfect have this attitude" (Phil 3:15). To seek and know Christ is the attitude of the mature; it is the singular obsession of Christ's bride. In this maturation process, there will come a point when, within your heart, love for God will take ascendancy over mere intellectual or doctrinal understanding. The bride of Christ cannot contain her longing nor patronize her aching heart by saying, "I will feel better in the morning." There is simply no reconciling the passion of her soul with the absence of her beloved. Note also there is an unfolding dimension to seeking the Lord which we must embrace. Genuine love for God is an unrelenting hunger. As you would die without food, so you feel you will die without Him. She says, "night after night" I sought him. The knowledge of what her beloved has done in the past, a "religion" about Him, will provide little solace for the bride. She wants Him! CHRIST OUR LIFE For many, Christianity is simply the religion into which they were born. For others, although Jesus is truly their Savior, their relationship with Him is hardly more that a history lesson, a study of what He did in the past. For those who attain His Presence, however, Christ is Savior and more: He is their very life (Col 3:4). When Jesus is your life you cannot go on without Him. --There is a story of a man who, in search of God, came to study at the feet of an old teacher. The sage brought this young man to a lake and led him out into the shoulder-deep water. Putting his hands upon his pupil's head, he promptly pushed him under the water and continued to hold him there until the disciple, feeling he would surely drown, frantically repelled the old man's resistance. In shock and confusion the young man resurfaced. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. His teacher looked him in the eyes and said, "When you desire God as you desired air, you shall find Him." ----F. Frangipane

--There is a story of a man who, in search of God, came to study at the feet of an old teacher. The sage brought this young man to a lake and led him out into the shoulder-deep water. Putting his hands upon his pupil's head, he promptly pushed him under the water and continued to hold him there until the disciple, feeling he would surely drown, frantically repelled the old man's resistance. In shock and confusion the young man resurfaced. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. His teacher looked him in the eyes and said, "When you desire God as you desired air, you shall find Him." ---Wow, thank you sister for sharing this. I should take time to meditate upon this and to realise what it really means! God help me!

Chanin,That was a very powerful and challenging testimony! I will pray that you continue in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost.James

TWO THINGS: There are so many things to occupy our minds: so many books, so many examples...that say, "here is truth." But, as I have been serving the Lord these past years, He has led me to seek for two things and two things only: to know the heart of God in Christ and to know my own heart in Christ's light. ~F. Frangipane