My Momma Cries

My mother is ill with cancer. She has been in treatment for a little over a year. I have watched her decline over this year. She has lost about 65 pounds, has no hair, has been in the hospital several times because her blood counts are so low, etc. About 1 month ago, she began to have pain. Now, just yesterday, she told me the night before was the worst pain she has ever had. She didn't sleep a wink.

On several occasions, my mother has said to me that she knows she is dying. She always cries and tells me she doesn't want to die, she doesn't understand why God won't heal her, she wishes God would let her live a few more years, etc. Each time this happens when she is with me, I have tried to reason with her. I ask her if she is a Believer. I ask her if she isn't looking forward to seeing her Savior. I ask her if she is afraid and if so, what is she afraid of.

You must understand here that my mother is someone who has always been a 'Christian'. She always took us to church. She always quotes the Bible. She always tells others what is 'right'. She said she was saved when she was 15 years old. She is now 74. But...she is afraid to die and pleading for her life. I've tried everything to help her, but she just says, 'I don't know', when I ask her questions.

I'm awake in the middle of the night tonite. I have been sitting here talking to the Lord about my mom. I asked the Lord what is wrong. Why can't my mom find peace about dying? God said, "Your mom doesn't think she deserves to die. It's pride. Your mom has never seen her own sin. She still believes she is better than the 'bad sinners', therefore she deserves to live."

I've been thinking about this tonite. Actually, I was comparing myself under this light. I've been quite miserable myself lately because I hate my job. I don't want to do it anymore. I've done the same meaningless job for 25 years and I'm over it! I want to do something else, but I make alot of money doing what I do and I'm the breadwinner at my house. It seems to me that I can't change jobs very easily. I've begged God to make a way for me to quit this job, but nothing happens. Years have passed and I'm still having to do this job. I feel like I don't deserve to have to do this job anymore. I deserve a change. I've worked really, really hard and I deserve a break, but no break comes. I'm often quite despressed about it. I feel like there's no consoling me anymore. I just want OUT!

As I have sat here tonite comparing my misery with my own mother's, I have seen something important. I do not deserve a break. If God wants to leave me in this job till I die, he isn't being unfair. There has been this attitude lurking in my heart that God isn't being fair, that I have worked hard and done my best and God should let me out of this vice I'm in. I can see how my own attitude about my miserable job is proceeding from the same root as my mother's attitude about her suffering. She doesn't think she deserves it. It's pride.

Oh, how our own hearts slip around and find a way to hold up our self-life! We can talk the talk, but when the fire comes, out pops this golden calf! We just want to live and get recognition and why doesn't everyone see how we deserve it?! Lord, please help us...

Spitfire,

Your post has me in tears. My heart hurts for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'll be 42 in April and have never known a single person whose died. I've never watched someone endure a long illness unto death.

I know you're exhausted and its not easy to see anything else right now, but you must. If you slide into the trap of self-pity now it won't help your mother. I understand the misery of being in a job you hate, but your mother's eternity is on the line and that takes precedent.

Keep praying for your mother. Get everyone you know to be a believer to pray for her. Be like the woman who pestered the judge day and night until he gave her what she asked for. God wants your mother for Himself, too. I'll join you in these prayers, and not just one time. Jesus ransomed himself for us. Those who pay a ransom have a reward coming to them and your mother is part of the reward Jesus wants.

As for the job, believe me, the best way to deal with it, at least for now, is to develop a new attitude about it. Ugh, I know, but it can be done. Usually our misery in our jobs is because we've been trying to do them in our own strength instead of God's. We've been leaving Him out and not asking Him for his grace and strength to do it well, in His name. Do your job unto God. Talk to Him more throughout the day. Take a moment every now and then to acknowledge Him. God is a God of motives and He wants our attitudes to be right. This is usually a very difficult lesson for us in America. Everything we do - everything - should be for His glory. Don't faint or lose heart!

And keep yourself in the Word, nourishing yourself. Put on the full armor of God in this time and don't neglect it. Otherwise you're going to become susceptible to enemy attacks. The very breath in our nostrils comes from Him and we aren't guaranteed a next one. If we can't even breathe without His help, how can you go through this difficult time without clinging to Him?

My prayers are with you, Spitfire. (Good screen name for times like this!)