I regressed the past couple of weeks and yesterday was STUPID!! I don't know what happens sometimes, things are good and then, I can act like a rebellious fool! Whats worse is that I know and ignore the scripture bouncing around my head! Why?? Sometimes I wonder, why God even keeps me around, I sometimes think that I am the black sheep of Gods family...you know the one that always messes up! Thats me.
I felt like confessing this because I can get puffed up about myself thinking I am doing something for the Lord; contending for the faith on SI and posting articles on my blog. Sometimes I can act so self-righteous and legalistic... it sickens me and when I sin, it upsets me but on the flip side my heart hardens because I will think well thats just me messing up again!
Its easy to be someone else behind a keyboard; I can copy and paste scripture and quotes and give them impression..."Boy, I am so knowledgeable", reality is, I am NOT. It is so easy to pretend on SI or just on the internet period!
Is this a confession, does this count being on this discussion board? But I do have some pride about being on SI, I didn't want anyone to thing I have problems with sin...I have over 300 posts with four stars under my profile name! This guy must be really spiritual? But I am not, I can be such a hypocrite and I wonder what is worse struggling with certain sins or being hypocritical?
I don't want this to sound like I am just bashing myself or depressed. I am tired of being a fool sometimes, I pretend I am something, but really I am not! Sometimes I wish I could just start all over and be like a child with the Lord again. Everything has just become so complex, just the joy of the Lord has dissipated, I have to read books from great veterans of the faith, I need to the Five points of Calvinism, I must read as many of the puritan preachers, what did Rick Warren or others like him do this week or what other seeker friendly churches are into now? I have become more of a watch dog, than loving Jesus...I think I am Loving Him by contending for the faith, than really looking into my own life. Now I am for watching out for the wolves in sheep's clothing and standing for TRUTH, but I have taken it so far, I am more concerned about others wrongs than my own! Oh that must be SIN #2. I didn't know where that all came from, I guess it has been on my heart. I just want to be real and don't know how.:-?
Because of Him
Mike
Romans 2:1-4 "Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?"