Woman: Submit?Respect? & Man hurtfull Sarcasm`name calling & belittling is ok?

PrivateNeman,

My heart goes out to you, and I promise to keep you in my prayers.

I know what it is to be abused, not only growing up, but also in an abusive marriage.

We met in HS....and married College Graduation day. Graduated that morning, and married that evening.

I thought I was saved, religious maybe, and so was he...until I really got saved, and then found out he was an athiest. He did everything he could to try and make me "give it up. I never preached at him or anything, but when Jesus took up residence in my life...WOW, I thought satan had moved into his.....literally.

He started bringing home x rated movies and -asking teh kids...then 7-9 to watch with him...just to get a rise out of me and see what I would do. Then on a camping trip with 8 other couples, he took out his guitar and began mocking me( he told all his friends...these were all his friends...I was a religious crazy!!) and in the most disrespectful and horrible way sang " The Old rugged Cross"....Now, these people were not christians...but they were appauled. One guy..(I'll call Bill), came over to find me...( I'd walked away) and actually apologized for my husbands behavior and said there was nothing wrong with being a Christian. This person went out of his way the rest of the camping trip to be friends. I learned a few years ago, he now is a Christian. He's not the first of these old friends of my now x husband to become a Christian, and witness to him.

I tell you, i don't think anyone has been witnessed to more then my x.

He use to come home from business trips and say" I can't believe it ...every where i go, a restaurant, on the plane...someone asks to sit next to me...and I say sure....and then they start witnessing.....

I would always giggle inside...Thank you Lord.

That's just a little insite...I won't give you night mares with the rest, but through these horrible years...I GREW spiritually.

Like you, all of a sudden I couldn't do anything right. It was a constant beating down, making fun of, being the butt of his jokes, even trying to turn the children against me....and I just gave it all to teh Lord...because it was literally bigger then I was.

I also learned in this that the Lord assured me that wives are NOT given to men to abuse. That is not God's plan and purpose.

But the strenght I found I was gaining was not my own strength...because I literally had no strength or will of my own to begin with.

I also learned people who abuse others don't like themselves...and that is the heart of the whole issue...it's not YOU, it's something gone wrong in them.

He remarried...(I never have, and don't want to), but ended up marrying someone JUST LIKE HIM.....OH!!!!!!!!

He's miserable, and has been for years.

But something very interesting happened this past week. We took so many home movies of the kids from birth on, and he recently found these and had them put on a CD. Something snapped in him, and while looking at these old movies in our younger happy years....cried like a baby. He made copies for me. Then he called me, and he was just like he was when I knew him in HS. We had a nice long talk, and I wondered....because I've never stopped praying for him, am I going to see something yet to come...his salvation? I do pray so.

All those years are not a waste, not one moment.

Have I said things I regret...Oh Yes. Actually when we got home from our camping trip, I beat him up for his blasphemy.... He just laughed!

Only the Lord can lead you to what you need to do.

I would never advise anyone to stay in a physically dangerous relationship. I know some teach to stay with the guy even if it kills you, and I think after OJ many who preached that one don't today.

Advice is cheap, because anyone can give it, and it doesn't cost a thing.

So, Just to let you know, because I shared with you some of my life, that one who's been there can have a better understanding then someone who hasn't and thinks they have all the answers. No one does, because every situation is so uniquely different.

Many women have been soooooo discouraged just by being told to be a good little *1st Peter chapter 3 wife* and it will all turn out ok. It takes OBEDIENCE from both ends for that to work, and God is also speaking to Husbands there as well.

Actually, it is ***in our suffering*** that God IS Glorified. But He does promise not to put more on you then you can bare....and Paul said, when I am weak...then I am strong.

Another thing too.....forgivness is what brings Glory to God, and what is conforming us to His image....so when we are offended, and abused, and forgive....they don't know what to do with it...but that kind of Love and Forgivness can only come throught the power of the Holy Spirit through you. This I do believe is what you should be seeking from God, His life in you, loving an unlovable!

Hope I didn't bore you!

With Love sincerely, PM me if you would like and we can share if you would like.

Katy

Not Married. we were actually closer than married.

My heart goes out to you, sister. I know this can be very distressing.

First off, you have never been "actually closer than married". Since you have not been married you can not possibly compare it to this relationship.

Since you're not married, let me ask you this... do you honestly think things will be better once you are married to this guy? (This is where you say "No")

I'm known around here for being very blunt, so if I come across that way to you it's only because I am concerned and you need to hear truth, not fluff.

My advise to you is RUN, dont walk, away from this relationship. He calls himself a man of God, yet he is abusive? How is that consistant with being a man of God? No, he is a hypocrite.

He cusses at you? I used to cuss like a Marine (cuz I was one)... and now I dont even cuss a dog, not to mention my sweet wife.

His interpretation of submission is completely unscriptural. My wife submits to me, and I submit to her... we submit "one to another". There are many areas in my life where my wife is my "compliment". She is better at some things than I am, and I her. We complete each other. I do take the spiritual lead in our house, but I would never abuse her like she was my slave or something... she's not. And if I ever did, she would let me know she's not... as would her brothers and her dad!

No, what this guy your seeing needs is what we call here in North Carolina... a good ol' fashion butt whoopin'.

It wont get better by marrying this guy, honey. It will only get worse. And if he is emotionally and verbally abusive to you now... there is a very high risk that once you're married it would become physically abusive as well.

And what about any children that you might have with him after your married? Do you want your children treated the way you're being treated right now?

I know it's gonna be hard, and I know it's gonna hurt a lot... but you have [b]got to let him go[/b]. It would be foolish of you not to.

There is someone out there who is a true man of God that will treat you as Christ treats His bride... the church. He gave all. He died for her. And this man will make you feel like a queen, and encourage you and not put you down.

If you want to compare this relationship your in with scripture... read 1 Corinthians 13 and ask yourself if this man really loves you. I can tell you right now, according to God's definition of love... it's not even close.

Please, I beg you... break this thing off right now today, and let it go. Dont even try to make things better because men like this will lie lie lie to make you think things are better, but you'll find out in time... it aint.

Krispy

Good Morning Private Neman,

Hope You're doing well this morning!

I know you will be getting advice all the way from...throw the bumb away, to hang in there.

But, what none of US know, is what is God's will and purpose in this whole matter.

Nothing comes into our lives unless God allows or permits.....that is if you are a Christian. I do believe this. So not to be too hasty to just walk away, you may be walking away from the greatest blessing ever.

I think too, this man sounds like he's come under some spiritual warefare himself, and there is a strong hold over him, not just towards you, but his whole attitude. If he is a christian, and just being carried away by something he doesn't see...yet you do, then to pray for this to let him go is and should be thought of too.

We just don't throw people away, because while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us...in our total uglyness. Even as we grow in the Lord, we have to work through strongholds as well, and those times can be just as ugly, as this war in us between our flesh and spirit go on.

Only the Lord can tell YOU what your part...if any is.

But thank goodness you are not married to this man....!!!

Love in Christ
Katy

I complete disagree, Katy. In my counseling I've dealt with issues like this before many many times.

She is not married to him. She is too involved emotionally to be the one to bring him around. For her own safety, and for the safety of her future children, she needs to break this relationship off.

Sorry, but your advice for her not to quit on him is a recipe for disaster in the future.

I'm not saying she cant pray for him to change, but she needs to get away.

Period.

I love ya, Katy, [b]but you're wrong[/b] if your not advising her to walk away from this relationship. God is fully capable of brining someone into this man's life, who isnt as emotionally involved, to bring him to his senses.

She is not that person.

Guys like this will lie and manipulate until the cows come home... and there is no way for to know for sure that he is truly changed. If she followed your advice she might find out 2 years AFTER the wedding that the old abusive guy is still there.

I dont know about you, Katy, but I wouldnt want that on my conscience.

Krispy

Hi Krispy,

Maybe I misunderstood something here.....Is this something that SUDDENLY came over him, after going to some kind of Church?????, or it this the way he has ALWAYS been.

I really hate to bring this up, but there is a counterfeit unholy spirit in many churches masquerading as the Holy Spirit.

I guess that is where I am coming from. People don't SUDDENLY change. And, if he has ALWAYS been like this...then ...well.....Run Forrest Run! And don't look back!!!!!!

If someone has been as close as your best friend, ****and changes****,SUDDENLY there is something terribly wrong.

OH, I sure don't advise any wedding, or even putting up with that at all. So, I think you might have misunderstood...so sorry!

No Private....don't do that, marry him I mean!

And no, YOU can't fix him....only the Lord can.

Love in Christ
Katy

LOL... ok, Katy. I'm with you.

Let's consider something you said for a second. You are under the impression that this came on suddenly, but I have my doubts.

Surely he didnt treat her bad or call her names when they went on their first date. Thats not exactly how to win a woman's heart.

And I doubt that he suddenly learned to be abusive overnight. I'm not a betting man, but if I were I would bet my house that there were abusive influences when he was growing up.

Before "private" says no, I knew a family when I was growing up that was the model Christian family. Everyone seemed well adjusted and happy. Lo and behold, it came out AFTER the children were out of the house that "daddy", the man of God, was raping his daughters the whole time they were growing up. They had 4 boys and 3 daughters, and all the kids confirmed it. He's now in jail.

So just because no one sees it doesnt mean it isnt happening.

I think there is a family history of abuse, at least emotional and verbal, with this guy.

Of course she didnt see it at the beginning. No one ever does, or they wouldnt get involved.

This church may have enabled him, and helped to bring it out of him.... but I've [b]never[/b] seen an abusive spouse or parent who didnt have something in their history that conditioned them to behave the way they did.

Not once.

Can people change? Absolutely. I was never abusive, but I certainly "used" women sexually. Made all kinds of promises to get them in the sack... and then was gone in the morning. Then I met my wife, and even tho neither of us was saved, she stopped me cold in my tracks. And then we got saved... and I changed even more.

But in this case here, she needs to step away and let him get help from other sources. Otherwise it would be way to easy for him to lie and manipulate her... and eventually put her in a dangerous situation.

Love is blind, which is why she can not be involved with him.

One thing abusers are masters at: [b]manipulation[/b].

Krispy

One thing abusers are masters at: manipulation.

I agree with that 1000000000% AMEN!

You are so right Krispy......Thank you for your wise council here.

Can people change? Absolutely. I was never abusive, but I certainly "used" women sexually. Made all kinds of promises to get them in the sack... and then was gone in the morning. Then I met my wife, and even tho neither of us was saved, she stopped me cold in my tracks. And then we got saved... and I changed even more.

Maybe it takes a rat to smell a rat :-P ....and I'm sooooo kidding here ( with you) , but I know you know what I mean....

I know I had bad taste in men myself, and have never dated after my divorce, (((umpteen years ago)))....greatly invested on one...and lost, so I know YOU can't change anyone else...no matter what YOU do...they still have a will of their own.

SOOOOO Krispy, thanks for that reminder....you are absolutely correct. I guess I was just having one of those **If only moment**.

Love ya!!
Katy

Maybe it takes a rat to smell a rat ....and I'm sooooo kidding here ( with you) , but I know you know what I mean....

My past does help me to sniff things out sometimes. I've always had a pretty keen sense about people. I've not been fooled by people very often.

A number of times we've had someone come into our life, or our fellowship, and there was something about them that I couldnt quite put my finger on... only to find out later that they were indeed a "rat", as you put it.

My wife does not have that trait. She's getting better, but she is generally a very trusting soul. My personal past, and some of my military training, has taught me to be suspect... I can trust, but it has to be earned. Ya know what I mean?

Krispy

I can trust, but it has to be earned. Ya know what I mean?

I do. You have discernment about people, and that does come from seeing and being around different situations in life.

But I do want to say something here. Coming from an abusive home, I do know you carry an awful lot of baggage, and so many gray fuzzy areas. So, if someone is suspect of coming from an abusive life, and carries this on in their own....(((and men do learn from their fathers how to treat women...often treating women that same way)))...How important Fathers are in being that example of Love to their wives. Girls who grow up in these abusive homes usually pick someone in their life that is abusive, because it's familiar.....where as genuine Love is so foreign.

So, to be a little on the compassionate side of life, rather then hang the dog, that person needs role models even as an adult, to show what real love and respect is. So **these people** need LOVE, to see it in action, before they can distinguish the difference.

Just some thoughts.

Katy

Trust me when I say he's not the only man on the face of the earth. It's like having a bowl of apples and eating the rotten one!

I am married and I will probably never marry again but if I did I am in no hurry. Their are plenty of godly men out there so don't settle for anything because you are afraid to be alone or for whatever reason.

Look what he's doing to you now, do you want to live the rest of your life that way? You want to marry someone who will pull you up and not tear you down. The safest person to marry is one who loves God more than anything else man or woman.

We all really only have one thing in common in Christ and that is our love for God. That's the truth! One of the only great things about marriage is sharing your love for God with one another. You certaintly aren't going to be doing that with this man.

Occasionally we as christians may stumble and hurt one another but if we love God more than anything else we repent and seek restoration. This man however does not love God and all he is going to do is hurt you time and again. If he loved God and loved you he would seek God's interest and repent of treating you this way. He should be crying out to God for how he is hurting you!

Share your life with someone who loves God and run from this person.