Paul: I have met, over the years, a few brothers who have stood where you stand. I have had my share of sorrow, and despair, and coldness toward God, also.
David spoke in Psalm 23, of the shadow of death being a valley. It can be a cloud too, of depression. It may be that this is what you are suffering. It seems to me, as I too have been depressed, that to the Christian who suffers here, it can be even more magnified because of the feelings of failing God, or God failing you.
Also, there are real spirits that desire you to be overcome by these condemning and useless thoughts.
From what I read, it also seems that you have tried on your own to deal with these issues, and cannot find relief.
The Church.[not a building or religious institution] is designed by God, to heal itself, and edify itself by love. Paul, you need to be loved. "God sets the solitary in families." My first counsel is to ask God to help you find real and authentic Christians, who have the fruit of Love, who would be willing to love even you.
I lived communally for a few years in the beginning of my Christian walk. I didn't realize how much healing I received through fellowship and the interaction of others who had faith in Jesus too.
There are several solid churches in the U.S., where you could go. Some Churches, especially those in the house church movement, may be able to help you; to serve you, and bring healing to you. If a man is a true Shepherd, and if you will be as forthcoming as you speak here, and be as transparent, I have faith that you will find help.
You must understand, that before God, you have merit, and great worth. You have gifts too, that are important, and His promise is to turn Ashes into beauty.
If you can find counseling, that is faith based, it may be of help. Many, many Christians found deliverence in AA meetings. It's a little different in your case, I know, but the principle of faith based programs are something God has used to bring healing to Believers.
Prayer, Prayer, Prayer...and not necessarily your own. The bible says that the prayer of Faith comes from others and brings healing to the saints. Guilt , shame, and sin all hide it seems, and run from the Light. I know that is how I am. I am growing, though, and now I learn to expose them more readily, asking God to count the Blood of Jesus for them, and heal me.
David, the Prophet King, has been where you stand. Read the Psalms. Cry out to God. He has never forsaken any who seek after him. Do not give up...Your life is a precious thing, and you are loved...by your Redeemer.
I, for one will pray. I ask you to keep up communications. My E-mail is on my profile. I will give you my telephone number, and talk with you. Many, many here love to pray, also. PAUL...I'll remember...please keep in communication...walk this out with others. It is a priveledge to talk with you. Brothertom
