“My TESTIMONY TO THE GLORY OF GOD”
From a young age I was taught the basic truths of Christianity. When I was five years old, I was lead through “the sinners prayer”. I always did my best to be good because I hated getting into trouble and having people get angry with me. I did what was right to avoid guilt and pain but not out of a desire to please God. I was even baptised at the age of 9 but as I grew, my life did not show the fruit of salvation. As I went through my late teens, slowly the true condition of my heart became evident. I began to walk in a way contrary to how I was taught and followed the sinful desires of my flesh.
Romans 1:21 Because, knowing God, they did not glorify Him as God, neither were thankful. But they became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
Throughout this time I trusted in the sincerity in which I had prayed that sinner’s prayer and not in Jesus Christ. This prayer was like my “ticket to heaven”. I thought that I believed but my actions spoke otherwise.
James 2:19 You believe that there is one God, you do well; even the demons believe and tremble.
I knew without a doubt, that God existed but I felt far from Him. Despite this knowledge of God, sin made me feel good for a season and it came all so naturally. It was so hard to try and be good in my own strength. Depression and self-pity plagued me. I just wanted to escape but I knew that I couldn’t. I just wanted to end my life but I knew that even in death there would be no relief.
Hebrews 9:27 And as it is appointed to men once to die, but after this the judgment,
Every day I walked in condemnation for my sins that I continued willingly to commit. I was afraid, knowing that the wrath of a just God was on me. God knew every thought I had had and He had heard every word I had spoken. I had sinned against a holy and righteous God who demanded perfection. I wanted to be at peace with God and be near to Him but my sin was in the way. I was powerless to overcome sin, as I was a slave to it. It was my master and God was not. All my efforts to be good and perfect had failed as sin reigned in my body. All my good deeds or righteous acts I had done since I was born were like filthy rags. I had broken Gods commandments, which were designed to show us His standard. I had lied and the Bible says that all liars will have their part in the lake of fire. I knew that I had hated in my heart and God sees that hate as murder. He had seen every time I had rebelled and dishonoured my parents. He saw every time I had coveted. And for all these things I knew I would have to give an account; in the end I knew that I deserved hell. In me, in my flesh, dwells no good thing.
James 2:10 For whoever shall keep the whole Law and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
I began my career as a registered nurse, but it was neither easy nor fulfilling. I saw the effects of sin on people’s bodies and saw that the world was corrupt, evil and fallen. Over the years I was able to be present when a number of sick people came to the end of their lives. When they passed into eternity, they were very afraid and had no peace. I knew that I did not have peace with God. I knew that death was only a heartbeat away (or lack of it) and one event that I had no control over. I wasn’t ready to die yet. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, had a car accident and almost died. The reality hit me, that all that I treasured could be taken from me. All that I had invested in was fleeting.
Matthew 16:25-26 For whoever desires to save his life shall lose it, and whoever desires to lose his life for My sake shall find it. For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?
The hope of one day, getting married and having children kept me distracted from this reality. I soon married and our first child was born a year later; the second the year after that. As our children started to grow, we desired for them to be part of a church and to be raised properly. So we started attending church once again and found a number of friends our age that made it much more pleasant for us. Once again I settled nicely into lukewarm, cultural Christianity. I was ready to cruise through the rest of my life ignoring the inward state of my heart. I could have kept going on the same path for the rest of my life, just like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day.
Matthew 15:8 "This people draws near to Me with their mouth, and honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me.
I had little desire to know God, now on earth, nor did I want to find out what pleases Him. I didn’t even hunger to read His Word nor spend time alone with Him. I had said the sinner’s prayer but the centre of my thought was basically myself. Jesus was just like an accessory or good-luck charm. By my own will I thought had gained entry into heaven. But unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.
John 1:12-13 But as many as received Him, He gave to them authority to become the children of God, to those who believe on His name, who were born, not of bloods, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but were born of God.
GOD, in His great love and mercy, wanted to forgive me for my sins. In His sovereign grace He decided to save me AND it was all Him, that He alone may get the glory. He began a work in my sinful heart that still continues today. I was helpless, blind and lost without God’s intervention.
1Corinthians 1:27-29 But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; and God has chosen the base things of the world, and things which are despised, and things which are not, in order to bring to nothing things that are; so that no flesh should glory in His presence.
GOD began to open my eyes to my own sinful, fallen state. God started to highlight things in my life that I needed to repent of. A major one was the addiction to television or entertainment. When I wasn’t working, I spent many hours in front of the television. I was addicted to it as it provided a way of escape from the realities and pressures of my life. As the scales began to fall from my eyes, I began to get just a glimpse of what God thought of this deception. The devil knew he was losing ground so he sent fiery darts to attack me. At this time I began to have demonic nightmares that were quite frightful and horrific. I dreaded going to sleep at night, as I knew what lay ahead. This went on for weeks until one day God, graciously and miraculously, removed this addiction to television from me. I wept before Him in true repentance. He gave me a hatred for that which I once loved. I do not want to watch television again because I now understand how the devil uses it. Praise God, that very night the nightmares ceased. God is so good. God alone had won the battle. God was cleaning me up and sanctifying me. I wasn’t being forced to change, against my will. God was changing my desires from the inside and making me more like Christ. He was doing the work in me by His Spirit.
Ezekiel 36:25-27 And I will sprinkle clean waters on you, and you shall be clean. I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from your idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit within you. And I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you shall keep My judgments and do them.
At the same time God also convicted me about going to the movies. When I went to the movies and the film had ended, everybody walked out a dimly lit corridor to exit the theatre. As we all walked out, every step I took, my conscience was crying out, “You are no different to anybody else, you are walking with them, they are on their way to hell, you are no different to them”. I was under such conviction one night that I have never again gone to the movies. I have no desire to be entertained like that again.
2Corinthians 6:16-18 And what agreement does a temple of God have with idols? For you are the temple of the living God, as God has said, "I will dwell in them and walk among them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people." Therefore come out from among them and be separated, says the Lord, and do not touch the unclean thing. And I will receive you and I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.
Now that I am saved I have a desire to be holy, not just moral. I want to be holy as He is holy so that I may be pleasing to Him, that I may glorify Him. I am now aware of the need to confess my sins to God and repent whenever I am wrong. Thus staying humble and walking close to Him. I throw myself upon His mercy, realising that I am bankrupt without Jesus Christ. I find myself disgusted by the things of the world and my own flesh, which fights against me. I now desire to strive and fight violently alongside the Holy Spirit for my sanctification and conformity to Christ. I am now delighted by the Word and by the true preaching of this Word. I also constantly desire true fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that I am saved as I have such a burning hunger to know God and be with Him, to enjoy Him and delight in Him. He is my possession, my inheritance, my exceeding great reward, my portion forever.
John 17:3 And this is life eternal, that they might know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
