What a good post.
I thought I would share a little of what the Lords doing in my life.
After coming to know Jesus, I would have these urges to evangelize on the streets. Sometimes, I would obey and overwhelming joy would be with me. Sometimes, I would obey, and the people sneering at me would dissapoint me.
I would tell the Lord, "Father.. I'm not spirit filled enough to do this. I will evangelize when you have transformed my heart so much that I don't have any fear of men and can transform these people through your spirit every time I talk."
After accepting Jesus, I have been trying to fulfill what I considered to be the essence of Paul's faith, Gal 2:20. I would try to kill the self. I constatly was battling with me trying to give glory to ME! If I preach and pray hard, I found in my heart a wisper of pride telling me, "Hey! I did a pretty good job! Hey God used ME!" When I shared something spiritual, I sensed in myself a desire to be acknowledged for my spiritual discernment. When I preached (which wasn't quite often) inside me, I would found a small pride in me that I preached only the essence of the cross with zeal. I would be very nice to others, but my heart would sometimes, despite my niceness, condemn and judge others.
So I could keep the whole law, but my heart was always off track.. It was always secretly sinnning. Truly being a lover of Jesus, this was quite hard for me. No matter how hard I asked for forgiveness, and how many times I was refreshed by the Holy Spirit, the effects would stay for 1week to 3 months, but after that, I found my heart was still in it's sin.
I heard one person describe it like this. "If you have a "sin tree" and it's bearing fruit like adultry, pride, idolatry and so on, one of the best ways to get rid of the tree is by killing the flowers before so that it doesn't bear any fruit. We often in the christian circles call this person a "saint" cause he has sinned little. However, the so called "saint" has to always surpress the fruit and always killing flowers. A saint then is a flower killer, and he finds that he always has to kill the flowers. How can he solve the problem so that there won't be any flowers to being with? The only solution to put the axe at the root of the tree."
And so I realized that after the fall, "life" in me was totally connected with "sin" that it was one. That nomatter how hard I tried, I could not escape from it. The only way was to die to sin, which would be the same thing as dying to the self. This is when Romans 6 came to my understanding.
"If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him..."
I understood that Jesus Christ didn't just die for my sins.. I died on the cross with Jesus Christ. This is a biblical fact that Paul is trying to point out. It is by faith that I am united with him in his death, and by faith that I am raised with him.
Gal 2:20 "and the life I live in the body I live by FAITH in Jesus Christ"
Ephesians 3:17 "so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through FAITH..."
So Jesus died, and the bible claims that I am dead with Him. I only have to claim this by faith in every aspect of my life.
Before all this, I had many expereinces of utter repentance. It wasn't repentance of the fruits of sin, but repentance of myself because I and sin are one. But these expereinces didn't last long as I mention. However, through this, I realized that I need to live this life by faith.
So then I began to proffessed myself dead (instead of trying to die) and Jesus living in me through almost everything.
I would go to the subways and preach. Sometimes I wouldn't "feel" like it. But hey! This old self has been crucified. It won't change if I try to "fix" the old life. This old self is dead! So I will go and preach. And so I go and preach and am filled with the knowledge of truth. As it's writte in Romans 6: 17 "...though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were intrusted. (Thus)You have been set free." This teaching of course was the Gospel.
So they obeyed the gospel by faith and expereinced truth and became free from sin.
I and Christ are one. What he did on the cross, his death, his ressurection, even his assention (ephesians 2:6 "seated us in the heavely realms with Christ) I was there with Christ by faith.
So this is my ministry now.
I meet people whenever I can and talk to them about Jesus.. To the believers who haven't met Jesus, that they need to come to Jesus and that they have to admit themselves to be the man of sin. That they have to cry out until they meet him.
To the believers that have met Jesus, to die on the cross with Jesus Christ so that they may live with him.
So I obey the gospel and also evangelize in the street no matter how I feel. Most of the times, the Holy sprit will fill me with great joy when I don't obey the old self and put on the new self of Jesus christ by faith.
So now, everything I do, it has been done by faith in the cross.. There is no boasting.. There is no pride.. If condmentation comes to me, I hold on to my death by faith. If I don't want to do the dishes, I profess myself dead with Jesus, I let Jesus do the dishes through me with joy. Hope this truth is as amazing to you as it was to me.