Divorce and Remarriage

Hello all:

I have a friend that wrote a book about divorce and remarriage, that I am not so sure about. He states basically that one can only remarry if the surviving ex is dead and the divorce was biblical. If someone has been remarried after being divorced whether biblical or not, they must divorce from their second marriage and try to reconcile with the first spouse or live single for the rest of their lives. This is the extremely abbreviated version of his book. Much of his writing comes from a guy named Stephen Wilcox and his book on divorce and remarriage.

Your input would be greatly appreciated.

In love,

rnieman

Hi,

Here's a long thread that you might find helpful: https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=20765&forum=35&216

I have struggled with this issue myself. I was in a church one night and the pastor had published tracts on this subject and he stated the same viewpoint you mentioned in your friend's book. I was very confused, and hurt by this, and greatly discouraged. I had divorced a man who abused me in many ways, including physically violent ways in 1992. I had become concerned for the safety of my infant son, and myself because of this man's drunken rages. So I left. It was bad enough he went to prison for 13 years for attacking me, and what he did to me after the divorce was final. Years later I remarried a wonderful man, who is still my husband. 4 years after I remarried I was gloriously saved, and delivered from the destructive habits I had.

My dilemma was this: I love the Lord and truly desire to please Him, yet this man's doctrine made NO sense to me at all so I took it to the Lord. I said Lord, I know you hate divorce, and I don't see how me leaving my husband, who is good to us, would be in your will. How will that get him saved? It will just make him hate you. I want to serve you with all my heart but I can't go on with this cloud hanging over me. Please help me understand." I went to my Bible, and opened it and it opened up to this (And the words nearly leaped off the pages at me) and the conviction of the Holy Ghost washed over me in waves.

1Co 6:9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
1Co 6:10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
1Co 6:11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

God's peace washed over my heart and settled this issue as I read and re-read and carefully examined these Scriptures. I prayed please Lord, don't let me try to twist your Word to suit my circumstance. Help me understand it as it is.

He makes all things new, I am a new creation in Christ Jesus, my sins are forgiven. The life I had before was done away with, the person I was before I met Jesus Christ died. Either He forgives all my sins or none. It would be different if AS A Christian I left my husband and remarried now. That would be wrong.

And folks use the adultery excuse, but the Scripture also shows us God takes us back when we cheat on Him-look at how He pled with Israel. Look at the example of Hosea's life-God caused Him to fall in love with a woman in the red light district who was a prostitute. A few years and children later, she decided to leave and go back to her old profession and the love of God in Hosea's heart caused him to go after her, just as God's love for Israel, (and us) causes Him to continue to woo and deal with us and try to draw us back when we go astray.

Those who preach that hard line doctrine on divorce and remarriage can cause many to despair and give up and walk away from God. The blood of Jesus cleansed me from my habits, my sinful ways and made me a new person from the inside out. To say someone who remarried when out in sin should divorce their spouse after getting saved is to question the effectiveness of the Blood.

kathleen1, you make some very good points,
what we do before we become converted is under the blood for sure.
the big problem in churches today is the multitude of Professing believers who get divorced and remarried and the divorced and remarried spouses are going to the same church.
That was the last church I attended.
I hope people would realize that when they make a covneant with someone, "as a Believer" God requires they hold true to that covenant promise.
Should someone who married and divorced as non- believers be required to divorce their second spouse and stay single after they become christians? NO, they should be faithful and remain faithful in their present relationship.

But what of christians who divorce and remarry?
well that is another matter altogether isnt it.

This is why I mentioned Hosea and the God-like example he set in going after his wife, not getting angry and finding a new one. When self rules, it leads to confusion. All too often, I think the true 1 Cor 13 love of God is lacking in people's hearts, and that testifies to the lack of the Holy Spirit in their lives that sheds the love of God abroad in our hearts, so rather than suffer injury or unhappiness and pray and trust God to work it out, they yield to desires of self and find someone else. This is a tragic misrepresentation of the heart of God. Does He forgive? Yes, but willful sin always carries a heavy price and usually in these cases it's the children who are hurt most, and a lost world needing to see Christ but seeing self on display instead. I know from personal experience when your marriage comes under attack and you are wounded, you can either get bitter and hateful or you can run to HIM and ask Him to love that mate through you. He can restore what has been damaged, if we seek His intervention rather than try to handle it ourselves. When we try to handle it, we just hand the victory to Satan. God can restore love in a marriage, He can restore and make better than it was before when one has been wounded but it takes a willingness to endure and wait patiently and faithfully that is rare these days. It all boils down to this: will we endure hardness, and hurt, and seek the power of God to stay sweet or will we yield to the carnal demands of human pride and grow bitter? Depends on our faith-faith is obeying the truth you know and trusting God to enforce our decisions to stand for what is right. When we make the right choice He will enforce it.

rnieman,

I suggest you check out Mr. Wilcox writings with the scripture and allow it to inform, to teach you on this issue. Otherwise you will go in circles with many voices weighing in that will lead to confusion.

Sin always destroys and the devil will come along and offer remedies that are not Biblical. Don't forget that..

Blessings,
ginnyrose

He states basically that one can only remarry if the surviving ex is dead

A surviving ex can never be dead. You probably mean if the ex is dead, which would be the non-surviving ex. ;-)

kathleen1, praise God for your testimony! I'm sorry for what you went through but I keep seeing the Scripture, "all things work together for good..." I know you might not have thought it was good at the time but God redeemed your life! Blessed be the name of the Lord!

poet wrote:
I hope people would realize that when they make a covneant with someone, "as a Believer" God requires they hold true to that covenant promise.

Kathleen1 did indeed hit the nail on the perverbial head with - "All too often, I think the true 1 Cor 13 love of God is lacking in people's hearts, and that testifies to the lack of the Holy Spirit in their lives that sheds the love of God abroad in our hearts..."

If these divorced christians are lacking in the Holy Spirit and we supposedly receive the Holy Spirit when we are saved (right?), what does that say about their walk? Are they saved or not? Would anyone dare to say they are saved or not? Not me!

I do know this, when people get saved, they are not immediately what we call "spiritually mature" [and possibly they were not going to a church that discipled them.] What does that say about their walk? Would anyone dare to say it's a false walk or a true walk? Not me!

I know many divorced people, we all do or should! Not all but I know many who have learned from the Lord the error of their ways. They have grown in their relationship with Christ but many churches won't let them teach what they've learned to help the rest of the congregation (where probably sits 52% that are having trouble with their marriages and would love to hear something that might help).

On an additional note! - If a person doesn't have enough faith to stick out their marriage, I hold to the belief that they are not in a position of faith to trust God with their sexuality and stay celibate never to remarry. So in their defense I will remind some that the Scripture does say it is better to marry than it is to burn! 8-)

If someone has been remarried after being divorced whether biblical or not, they must divorce from their second marriage and try to reconcile with the first spouse or live single for the rest of their lives.

Saw this earlier and will be honest, had almost hoped it would just go away, we have had some pretty ugly conversation over this whole matter, as was linked earlier.

But this is insanity and absurd. Who is it that finds him or herself so prideful and audacious to be more punitive than the Lord when He is neither? Nowhere in scripture, no matter how tortured the text is wrangled to state otherwise do two wrongs make a right.

It is quite beyond me that everything is forgiven except this, which must be seared as a punishment for life. But in this scenario it is adding insult to injury, a second divorce? That is the remedy to the first? And the second wife\\husband 'becomes' an adulterer because of the divorce but it is no matter of course ... It's the most inane circular reasoning imaginable.

These people ought to be silenced before they do any more damage.

sermonindex wrote:
There is a very good volume by "Roger Hertzler" called "(Dear Pastor: Divorce and Remarriage)" You can read it here:
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/index.php?view=category&cid=775

The article you point to advocates leaving your spouse if in a re-marriage situation. I would highly caution you against condoning such false teaching that advocates abandonment. I say this with fear and trembling for those who would read such words from the article you have directed them to which can only heap about further sin and reproach.

A lady in our church was taught this way, and she did backslide away from the Lord, and during that time, remarried. She came back to the Lord, and when she did, she separated from her new husband, and would not live with him, stating they could only be together if he gave his heart to the Lord. During their separation, this man died, lost. She blamed herself, and struggles hard with depression, and grief. She was taught wrong. Nowhere can I find in the Scripture that the Lord forgives a sin then expects us to tear a family apart to keep that forgiveness. Anyone who teaches you must divorce the second spouse is saying God's forgiveness isn't enough, the blood isn't strong enough to cleanse this so we must jump in and help earn our forgiveness by ripping apart a family. Ludicrous.

Dear Ones, the Holy Spirit has been sent to be our Teacher and Guide-and these issues would be non-issues if we would get off the computer, off the phone, out from front of the TV and get back in our Bibles and on our knees and learn to commune with the One who has been sent to teach us the deep things of God and show us all truth. All this debate reveals a lack of communion with HIM who knows everything for He has the mind of Christ and would share it with us if we would allow Him.

sermonindex wrote:
I do not condone all the details of the book but there is a clear teaching on "staying" single if divorced.

Yes I would agree with your statement. I too am of the view that if one is divorced that they should remain single. I also, as you, am of the view that if one does in fact remarry that we should receive one in Christ and warn others who, in spite of their knowledge, remarry.

I do believe we share much of the same consolations.

I would say though that the article teaching you have posted may have such good views yet when it also states (and I quote) "I propose that we ask all members of our flock who have been married more than once, with more than one spouse or ex-spouse still living, to live in celibacy from this day forward. Make a commitment that, to the best of your ability, you will serve communion only to those who are willing to purge themselves from all known sin, including the sin of adultery."

When such statements are made it certainly takes away from the good points of the teaching in it's pages, so much so that these "bad" teachings found in it could cause families to be ripped to shreds and destroyed due to such blatant wicked teaching, encouraging people to leave their spouses and thus heap condemnation upon themselves.

I do see your heart in posting this article, yet brother I would encourage you to seek the face of the Lord over providing such things to the Brethren as such things are fearful to even read for the sheer fact that counseling one to take the path of martial abandonment is such a grievous thing indeed...yes, counseling pastors to counsel their flock to abandon their martial vows is a fearful thing.

These matters should not be promoted by the Body and I do hope you can see my heart in this that these things are not even against the author of the article but are for the edification of the weak and frail among us who may read such false teachings and reap the fruit of such corrupt doctrine by blind application.

I do recommend John Piper's article which is the same view as we espouse yet without the call to martial abandonment. You may find it here http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/1986/1488_Divorce_and_Remarriage_A_Position_Paper/

To those who have an interest,

I found the message at the following link to be insightful,sound,and biblically consistent.

It is part of a series entitled,"Puritan View of Marriage & the Family".

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?currSection=sermonssource&sermonID=8205104940

Dear Kathleen1,

I have found your posts to be a blessing for those who will read it. I rejoice with you in the truth that makes us free. Christ Jesus truly makes us free and forgives all of our sins.

I know of a missionary, right at this time now, doing a great work for God in places few would ever go. I remember years ago when he had such a powerful conversion, being filled with the spirit immediately. He read the bible through in less than six months.

The day that he got saved the spirit was on him so strong that his wife and family new that God had done a work in his life. I remember calling over to the house and speaking with his wife because he didn’t come back to church that night. She told me that the morning he got saved was the first time he had been to church, except to a funeral or wedding, in his 44 years of life. She said that he didn’t know if he could be a part of the church there because he had been married before and that she was his second wife of ten years. Immediately the Lord brought these scriptures to my mind and I told her to tell him.

Heb 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

Heb 10:16 This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them;
Heb 10:17 And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.
Heb 10:18 Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin.
Heb 10:19 Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus,

I began to tell her that God forgives our sins and that he remembers them no more. I told her to tell him that when our sins are cleansed by the blood they are under the blood never to be remembered by God again. I told her people may remember them but God puts them in the sea of his forgetfulness as far as the east is from the west. I told her we serve a great God and that when he forgives us, he really forgives us.

I must say that God taught me some things on that day and I praise God that I was obedient to Him, because the last few years, the Lord has used this man to minister in India, Pakistan, Trinidad, Africa, to name a few, and there have been miracles. There was this time that he was in India, the heat during the day would get as high as 115 degrees. The person he was traveling with was feeling sick and decided to return to the US and wanted the trip to be cut short. Well my missionary friend didn’t want to go back because he believed God had them there in his will. He would not go back with him. That night he was exhausted and laying down in the room just meditating when the Lord’s presence and voice appeared in the room. The Lord told him that he would be with him. He had a work for him to do and that he would deliver him and keep him from sickness. There was more that I don’t remember precisely, but every time he would drink or eat something, if he started feeling sick he would remember what the Lord told him and the sick feeling would go away.

There was a time he was in Pakistan and some of the people hid him from danger. He also preached there and over 700 came to the Lord Jesus Christ and he baptized them in the water there. He was in a dark region of India recently preaching near a Hindu temple and people were afraid to accept the Lord because of the powers around them but he kept preaching on this hill and an old man started crying, fell down on his knees, and started crawling up that hill. God gloriously saved that man. The amazing thing about this story is that when they got there to preach, they were near this temple and the authorities came and was trying to tell one of the people of his party that they could not preach. So while they were arguing, my missionary friend went up on top of the hill and began to preach Jesus. He said you could feel the darkness but finally this old man broke and began to cry, feel on his knees, and crawl up that hill.

This brings tears to my eyes, but praise to my Lord, for what he can do for his creation.

I have learned also sister, that the blood of God’s Son is mighty and powerful to wash away all sin. Let every man be a liar and God be the truth. We can’t undue our past but through the all powerful blood of our Savior, He will give us a new beginning. Praise the Lord!

Thank you all for your input, I have much homework & prayer to do now in this matter. May the truth come out regarding issue, people be healed, and God be glorified.

Russ

But this is insanity and absurd. Who is it that finds him or herself so prideful and audacious to be more punitive than the Lord when He is neither? Nowhere in scripture, no matter how tortured the text is wrangled to state otherwise do two wrongs make a right.

The charge of "two wrongs don't make a right" according to your theory, would mean that Hollywood is doing an exemplary job, of mirroring the purity of the marriage covenant. The 'divorce' that God hates is against the covenant wife, not an adulterous partner. A divorce does not dissolve a marriage at all, according to Jesus definition of marriage. What it does do is put space (dissention) between a husband and wife, and puts each in a perilous position. Jesus said that "no man" should divide a husband and wife, which would include the spouses themselves. The one that stands and lives for the sake of righteousness, will galdly stand for the restoration of their spouse, which is consistent with loving the soul of our own flesh.

It is quite beyond me that everything is forgiven except this, which must be seared as a punishment for life.

But in this scenario it is adding insult to injury, a second divorce? That is the remedy to the first? And the second wife\\husband 'becomes' an adulterer because of the divorce

It's the most inane circular reasoning imaginable.

Try applying this persons reasoning about the law of marriage to stealing, lying, fornication, etc.. It doesn't work and it won't work.

The article you point to advocates leaving your spouse if in a re-marriage situation. I would highly caution you against condoning such false teaching that advocates abandonment. I say this with fear and trembling for those who would read such words from the article you have directed them to which can only heap about further sin and reproach.

True repentance requires forsaking the sin, which you call abandonement. The further "sin and reproach" is misleading. In reality, there may be tremendous hardship and sorrow, associated with forsaking of sin. The end result is justified by the fact, that the individual can prove with the Word, that they are living according to righteousness, out of love for Jesus Christ. Just because feelings might be intensely hurt, initially, doesn't mean that the action is wrong. The "false teaching" is any teaching that would compromise Jesus pure and righteous standard of marriage, which is indisolluable until death, which corresponds to the creational example of the first pair. Consider the outcome of what you are promoting, although very sincerely; Perpetual divorce & remarriage. Like it or not, if the first marriage is not 'until death' then neither can the second or third etc.. Once the law of marriage is violated and condoned, you make the law void of it's authority and intent. You can't then apply that law, while you are violating it at the same time. There can't be two standards, since the idea itself is mutually exclusive. The corruption of marriage (divorce, remarriage, fornication, etc..) is the sin of Noah's generation, that leads directly to the place of the damned, where the "giants" are. The last thing we should dare to compromise, next to idolatry, is marriage, no matter what personal loss we might incur.

I am thankful that the Lord is a merciful Lord. I will accept grace every time.