Dearest "JLH"...let me call you "Jacob", because JLH is so impersonal, kind of "THX" (that movie)
so Jacob, I was raised in the synagogue, I was bar-mitzvahed at age 13, I was taught Hebrew, and I loved it all. You never had to drag this child to temple. God was very real and very present to me. at all times, and in all places.
Fast forward 29 years: I was trading crude oil, futures, and in one day, I lost everything, including the savings of quite a few dear friends, and at that moment, after the market closed, I thought I had two options available to me, as the walls closed in, I could either A. put a pistol to my head, or B. find as many drugs as I could lay my hands, and just get "comfortably numb" as the pink floyd song sung. I was veering away from choice A, because I have a son that needs a father, and this choice seemed rather cowardly, because of the effect it would have on this innocent lad.
Choice B, getting as totally "baked" as i could seemed the way to go, but I needed to "clear my decks", as I had to take my son, seven years old to karate class, and this stood in the way of me getting inebriated, so I called his mother, and was totally transparent with her, told her my situation, told her the walls were closing in on me, that all was black, I was having panic attacks, and she said this:
"Neily, when you get scared, just start praying to God, "God please be with me", and dont look behind, dont look forward, just keep saying that prayer, "God be with me", and now go be a father to your son".
(if you knew her, this fiery red-headed Irish lass, the last thing to ask was to try and worm your way out of a committment.lol...not advisable)
So I went out, just hanging onto this simple prayer. "Please God, be with me"...for days, I clung to this simple prayer, and something happened. He answered.
Because I felt this overwhelming need to seek succor, and the only place, my heart told me was a Church, but I didnt know of a Church, so I asked my son's mother, and she told me she would "think" about it. She knew many 'churches", including some...now, I know, that I thank God, she didnt suggest.
The Church she suggested was Hope Christian Church, and I went, and the pastor spoke of Jesus..the Messiah. My heart was warmed, and I left....and all that week, I clung to that simple prayer, and I knew I had to go back next week, and before the service, I went up to the pastor, and said, "pastor, I want to be saved".....and he said, "why don't you listen to the sermon, and if you still feel the same, we'll pray at the altar, afterwards"......and we did...of course we did.
I say, "of course we did", because in retrospect, I was "saved" up in that lonely house trailer on a horse ranch, that day I cried out to God, "Please God be with me", and a merciful God, answered that prayer, and Jesus swept into my life, and took my hand. It wasn;t the Gospel that saved me, It was Jesus that saved me, Him taking my hand, when I got real, when I suddenly realized in the light of time and eternity, how abosultely weak I was and am, how vulnerable I was, how lost I was. It was that CONFESSION of mine, to this weakness, to my sin, the sin of self, the sin of pride, self-centeredness, all the junk that flows out of the human heart....just one simple plea, "God be with me"...and He answered.
and I just want to postscript this all, that what we do on this earth, has effect on others, I was to be after water baptized at Hope, 3 months after my conversion, and right before service my seven year old son, rather percocious lad, says to me, "Daddy, I want to be water baptized too". Understand this, NOBODY pressured him, this was out of nowhere, inside my heart is dancing, but I evenly asked, "Do you know what that means?" and very calmly he responded, "Yes Daddy, it means that I accept Jesus as my personal Saviour". Instead of shouting with joy, as I wanted to, I said, "lets tell pastor Ted what you just told me", he did, and that day, both me and my son made news in Heaven. He's 13 now, and I can testify that this boy has the sweetest spirit and heart you can ever imagine, there's not a malicious mean bone in his body, he's no wimp, but that sweetness, that winsomeness, comes from Jesus, Saviour of the world, proclaiming the Good News, setting us captives free.
Jesus saved the both of us.
much love in Him, neil