a question about fellowship

I really feel sad about your situation brother, but God had already foreseen our failures even before we put ourselves in those mess. As God's elect who like Peter had gone astray, Jesus petitions for our behalf:

Luk 22:31 "Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat,

Luk 22:32 but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

Luk 22:33 Peter said to him, "Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison and to death."

Luk 22:34 Jesus said, "I tell you, Peter, the rooster will not crow this day, until you deny three times that you know me."

It is is not the will of the Father for any of us to be lost:

Mat 18:12 What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?

Mat 18:13 And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.

Mat 18:14 So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Joh 6:37 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.

God had sought us, Our Lord had died for us, let us be encouraged to go on with our repentance as Paul said:

Phi 3:13-14 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Let us humbly bow down and look unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith:

Heb 12:1 Wherefore, seeing we also are encompassed with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Heb 12:2 Looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Heb 12:3 For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.

Heb 12:4 Ye have not yet resisted to blood, striving against sin.

Heb 12:5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh to you as to children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked by him

Heb 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

I am confused, but it still doesn't take away that God has not came back in my life.

It will clear up brother, just move on, continue with the race, God had promised that we will finish it, He will take us through in His mercy and His grace.

sometimes we have to forgive ourselves, often times distance from a besetting sin becomes the great healer and restorer of our fellowship with God. Reguardless if a person purposes in thier heart to gain Christ and they seek with all thier life, thier whole focus of mind and daily prayers with all the available energy they possess, they will obtain the very Lord they seek, I don't care what condition thier soul is in when they start off seeking God. Luk 11:9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
Look at the progression, ask seek knock, starts with prayer, moves to the eyes as we watch for and seek after and than moves into the hands as we reach out to touch or knock, reaching out with great expectation touching the very heart of God.

I've just gone through a similar experience, where there's been a lot of confusion, doubt, and unbelief. However, I think in order to get out of it I've had to seek God about changes circumstantially. Seek fellowship with believers I feel are rubbing me in the right way. iron sharpeneth iron. to find fellowship where I feel like I'm being fed in places I need to grow spiritually. where God is leading me to be strengthened spiritually.

And I haven't been willing to take the proper steps in order to change and obey Him. Therefore I sat in confusion and idleness.

Take up your cross and follow Him at all costs. And there's much work to be done! In my case I felt He was speaking to me about specific things directly, but I was confused about it and wasn't confident in hearing His voice, but as I started to walk in the right direction that He was leading it became clearer.

Hope that blesses you a little. :)

and also, I wanted to add, direction in marriage, financial issues anything at all that was bugging me, because that's the Holy Spirit. But I was in unbelief, "me, get married? you're kidding right?" :) But the Lord is good. So I have to get up and believe. According to your faith be it unto you. Mt 9:29 And believe, that He wants the best for us.

And be open to all of His Spirit working in every area. not just the ones that we pick and choose to let Him guide and decide. :P

King David said Take not thy holy spirit from me.

David sinned, and severed His relationship with God.
When we sin we sever our relationship.
Are we severing our salvation? Our destiny for heaven?
Adam and Eve when they sinned, they severed their relationship with God. Did He still love them, Yes, But, there are consequences for our actions, and if we sin we have an advocate with the father, If We Confess our sin he is faithful and just to forgive our sin..
Does this mean that if I sin willie nillie and just say I sinned today please forgive me and then all is ok... that would be silly,
If we Confess, and Repent he will wash us from all unrighteousness.
We must Change our attitude about our life and relationship with God.
Is our relationship based on him getting us into heaven or is it about intimacy with God and when he reveals something about us that is not pleasing to Him, what are going to do about it.
Alow him to change us.
Don't just go and say, well thats the way I am and God you are just going to have to forgive me?
I think it's about our attitude and motivation.
And of course his plan to mold us into his image, the process of sanctification.
But let me make this point clear,
If I have known, willful, sin in my life, that the Holy Spirit IS convicting me of and I refuse to repent of or even try to get out of my life, then He will depart from me, and I will have no part in him.
That is called Lawlessness. And the scripture is clear about this and we all should seek out our salvation with fear and trembling.
Please, anyone who sees this, don't misunderstand, if we have sin in our life and know we need forgiveness because we want that restored relationship, all you or I or anyone else needs to do, Is Humble ourselves before God in our prayer closet or bedside or altar, and tell God how much of a sinner we are and ask him to forgive us and please help us to be holy and seperate for Him.
I could'nt tell you how much the Lord has helped me over come sin's that I thought I could never quit doing, but he is greater than my sins, my desires, because my heart is desperately wicked and He has to come in a cleanse me of all my unrighteousness.
And He will do it. :-)