Chanin,The Lord lead me to begin the book “Surrender” by Nancy Lee Demoss that you sent me back in 2003. I’ve been avoiding that book for the longest time because of the struggles that I’ve been going through. I was glancing through the Bible earlier and it was talking about the wrestling of the flesh, how we fight against it. I have been fighting God every step of the way in my life, any decision that I’ve made. I always wrestle with Him, I feel like I have struggled in vain. To quote Ecclesiastes, everything is meaningless unless you have Jesus Christ in your life and heart.Jesus showed me earlier as I was browsing the Word that anyone who says to Him Lord, will not get into heaven unless they’ve done the will of the Father. Being a Christian and believing will save us, but only by passing through fire by the hairs of our chins. Jesus Christ showed me something today that I never understood before; unless I truly shoulder my cross and forsake everything for His sake I will never fully do the will of the Father. I am changing so much, so rapidly that I’ve asked the Lord to please slow me down a little. I mean I am changing so much so that it isn’t really giving me a chance to digest the changes.Recently, I turned over my relationship to God concerning boyfriend and what to do with him. Jesus Christ told me this morning on the way to work I prayed. He told me that I needed to speak with boyfriend in person. I need to see his eyes and feel his breath in my midst before I truly attempt to talk to him about the changes in me. Jesus Christ promised me this morning that I will have my answers when I visit boyfriend in October. I feel in my spirit that this time without boyfriend is a fast for me. I am not in boyfriend’s physical presence and I can use this time to commune with God and seek His will in prayer. I am about to cry, this is so amazing what God is doing within me. I didn’t truly see how merciful God truly is until this moment typing this out to you. God is having mercy on boyfriend and myself. God knows how in love with each other we are and how we need the other. He also knows the need for each other outweighs the need that we have for Him. I see the purpose behind our long distance relationship now, God is trying to show us both that we need to NEED HIM more than we need each other.My students are such a blessing to me. I can understand Paul’s utterances of joy and peace in the Bible as he writes epistles to the various churches! Each one of them has so touched my soul. I have interceded with tears on their behalf, their hurts have become my hurts. One of them actually broke through their self confidence and self-reliance, they reached out to the spirit of God and to me. I cannot stop praising Him for this woman’s ability to humble herself. She said the following to me:Thank you for allowing the spirit to lead you,Ask the Lord to reveal to you what it is that you haven’t given over to Him. I believe with all my inner spirit that He will tell you self reliance, self-will, and self-gratification.you are so true, when I first read your e-mail, I felt like who do she think she is telling me....then it hit me, pride. then I began excepting the fact that everything that your were saying is true and I need to be broken, please pray for me, today is a fast day and I'm praying that the root of my problem be revealed so it can be dealt with.What a break through for this beautiful woman, someone who has humbled herself and surrendered “self” for a few moments so the Lord could speak to her. The veil was removed from her eyes and her heart and she could see Jesus Christ in my words, which is awesome and overwhelming for me. I am brought down to tears and humility because I don’t deserve this Chanin, I have been so far from the Lord. He has been so patient with me, so longsuffering. I cannot thank Him enough for all that is in my life. I want to get down on my knees again and thank Him from the bottom of my heart but I am at work. I just got down on my knees in the bathroom and prayed hard. I so humbled and so filled with humility.I am going to end now and go read chapter three of Surrender. Talk to you soon.
