Dear saints,
I need to share with you about a trial that I have been walking through for the past four years or so of my life. I have been thinking about the need for honesty and transparency in the body of Christ. How can we love one another and allow others to love us if we live in little shells and refuse to share what is really going on in our lives? Of course there is wisdom needed with knowing how much we should share, especially on a public platform like the internet. But there is still blessing found within transparency and admitting our needs to one another and humbling asking for prayer. I have seen many do that on this forum and perhaps there are still others out there like me who have been suffering silently and have proudly been bearing our own burdens and robbing the Body of Christ the opportunity to ‘bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.’
One of my fears has been that in my suffering I would have a complaining and murmuring attitude over my situation. That fear of complaining or being perceived as complaining (pride, isn’t it!) has kept my lips sealed. I would be grateful for prayer for the Lord to work humility in my heart in this area…for honesty and transparency without complaining.
Another thing has been that I long for Jesus Christ to be the focus and center of all I do and say. I do not want ‘Joy’ to be one clamoring for attention, pity, etc., but for my clamor to be for Jesus to be magnified and worshiped for He is worthy. It isn’t about us, about me, it’s all about HIM. I am not seeking for healing but for Jesus Christ to be glorified. The Lord has worked on me and changed my heart from that of desiring for health to that of desiring for more of Jesus. Within the past few days two precious friends have shared this wonderful hymn with me,
HIM
Once it was the blessing, now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling, now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing, now Himself alone.
Once 'twas painful trying, now 'tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation, now the uttermost.
Once 'twas ceaseless holding, now He holds me fast;
Once 'twas constant drifting, now my anchor's cast.
Once 'twas busy planning, now 'tis trustful prayer;
Once 'twas anxious caring, now He has the care.
Once 'twas what I wanted, now what Jesus says;
Once 'twas constant asking, now 'tis ceaseless praise.
Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him, now He uses me.
Once the power I wanted, now the mighty One;
Once for self I labored, now for Him alone.
Once I hoped in Jesus, now I know He's mine;
Once my lamps were dying, now they brightly shine.
Once for death I waited, now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored, safe within the veil.
A.B Simpson
That phrase, ‘once I sought for healing, now Himself alone,’ rings true in my heart. Whatever He desires to do with this frail earthly vessel I gladly accept. This life is not my own, it is His, bought with a price, with the blood of the spotless Lamb of God. And it is because of that, because I do not belong to myself, but to Him and as a part of His Body, I am sharing with you, the other parts of the Body of Christ who I have the privilege of knowing, that you might pray for me as He leads you to.
For the past four years I have had chronic daily (with a few exceptions) headaches and the source is unknown. I won’t bore you with the details of the search for various treatments and methods to find the root of the problem that have been of little to no avail. But, I do want to testify that this has driven me to the place of desperate dependency on Christ for the strength to do what He has given me to do. And He has given me so much grace and help. He is so faithful and merciful. I’m grateful for how He has used this trial to purify, purge and grow my life spiritually. I would be so poverty stricken without the lessons of these last few years. It may sounds strange to one who has never experienced the crucible of physical suffering, but I would not trade four years of health for the spiritual blessings I have found in Jesus Christ through my trials. Our heavenly Father is so wise in knowing what is needed in the lives of each of His children to bring them, “Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:13; see also 1 Peter 1:3-9; 2 Corinthians 4:8-18; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
The Lord used the revival conference to bring further revelation of what He has been and is doing in my life through this trial. Here is something I wrote after the conference, “I gained a new understanding of the purposes behind sorrow and pain. Brother David shared in his message on Tuesday, “God uses sorrow to bring us to the death of our selves…Sometimes we want to push away the sorrow when God is saying to embrace the sorrow so you can go back to the place of prayer, power and praise.” But it was Brother Alan’s message that turned on the light bulb and brought an understanding of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that I have been praying and seeking for. “2 Peter 1:2. If your knowledge of Him is small then your capacity to receive of His grace and peace being multiplied unto you is limited… Endurance is the ability to stay under… God’s power is perfected in broken men… Do you think the Father likes to break us? The problem is our capacity level to receive, so He has to do what it takes to increase our capacity level.” The word picture of a garden hose attempted to water all of Michigan with water from Lake Michigan enlarged my understanding of what the Lord has been doing in my life over the past four years. I have struggled with understanding how I can glory in my infirmities (one of which has been a physical affliction of this earthly flesh), but now I see that it isn’t a matter of ‘how’ I glory but ‘why’ I glory in infirmities. Yes, it is as the passage states that the power of Christ might rest on me, but the only way that can happen is if my capacity level is enlarged so that I can increase in the knowledge of Jesus Christ and for grace and peace to be multiplied in my life! I see this now! And I am so grateful for those moments of weakness and inability to do what I wanted to do because it has made me so dependent on Jesus and it is a part of the Father working on me to increase my capacity level.”
When we understand the workings of God in our lives through various trials and tribulations we can indeed rejoice in the Lord and what HE is doing for the glory of His Name! :-)
One last thing, this post is not a plea for prayer for healing. If God burdens you to pray for healing, then I thank Him for that. The only reason I desire health is so that I can serve my Lord Jesus Christ with greater energy and efficiency, and that is only if He wants me to have that resource. Health isn’t for ourselves and our pleasure or benefit, it is for HIM. Life is too short to waste on ourselves when we have such a worthy and great Redeemer who will use those who are surrendered vessels to do whatsoever is pleasing to Jesus Christ. How true is C. T. Studd’s oft quoted phrase, "If Jesus Christ be God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him." And David Brainerd a young man who gave his all for Christ and paid the sacrifice of death at a young age said, “As long as I see anything to be done for God, life is worth having: but oh, how vain and unworthy it is to live for any lower end!”
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I felt like the Lord wanted me to share this part of my life with you. I am needy of your prayers, prayer for the Lord to give the strength needed for what He wants me to do and most importantly for my eyes to be so fixed on Jesus Christ no matter what the circumstances of each day might be and for Him to be glorified in my life during this brief sojourn/pilgrimage of mine upon earth. What a glorious day it will be when we are all gloriously transformed and conformed into the express image of HIS Person! And we will have all eternity to sing His praises and give thanksgiving for His work in our lives while we lived on earth! What a day that will be when my Jesus I see! And whatever He gives me each day, whether it be health or pain, I will praise Him and seek to glorify Him, and love Him with all of my being.
"Saying with a loud voice, [b]Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing
My heart is full of thanksgiving to our Abba Father for each of you who are a part of the precious Body of Jesus Christ, the Bride of Christ.
your sister in our beloved Lord Jesus Christ,
Joy