A fight with myself

I'm in a large fight with myself right now. To put it best, it's a battle of the flesh.

This past week I spent 2 hours in prayer, and 1 hour in worship everyday, because it inspired me that Christians in China are so enthused and in love with God to do so, and will forego sleep to do it if they must. I did this, though about the sixth day, I felt like the prayer was getting nowhere because it started to feel a bit more like an obligation than a genuine act of heartfelt crying out to God. I started because I felt like God wanted me to, though I can't possibly pray if it's going to be an act of the flesh; that would be a waste of time. I still want to do it, but now the idea of 2 hours feels intimidating.

The thing I love doing too is I love looking up sermons and listening to them (I listened to about 4 different ones on Friday), and reading solid Christian material, though I find myself conflicting between doing that and praying. I thought about cutting down prayer by an hour (or I thought God would want me to) and using that time for just reading my Bible, so I'm praying, worshipping and reading one hour per day, though when school starts there'll be little time for the sermons and the like. I hate the idea of cutting down anything, as I did make some spiritual jumps in that week, but I do need to draw a line somewhere I suppose, as I do have work to contend with, and college now.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I feel constantly pulled in so many different directions, thinking God's leading me here or there, but then I have to step back and say, "This isn't God." I don't want to cut down the devotional time I've been spending, though I do know that when college kicks in full-time again, I'm going to feel very much crammed (I'm also trying to learn Greek on the side).

There's probably some much-needed self-denial going on, maybe you can see better than I can just what the problem is. Prayers and advice are all every bit welcome. Thank you. God bless.

I did notice that I didn't feel this way before the prayer dropped off.

Sounds to me like you are trying to imitate other Christians act of worship. And it won't fly.

God wants you!! You are trying to eat a 2 inch steak when you don't even have any teeth! Back up and keep it simple! Just read the Word and talk to the LORD - and don't watch the clock unless you have a job to get to or other responsibilities to tend to. They are also important. Just relax and enjoy it! Then get to work! Keep it simple!!!! Listening to sermons won't earn you any brownie points with God - don't forget that! They are there for your edification and education, not a requirement for a successful walk with the LORD.

So, I would say, keep it simple and easy and see what happens..

Blessings,
ginnyrose

Hey thank you very much guys for your responses, and God is bringing clarity to my situation.

I do think I left you guys with a bit of a misunderstanding. The sermons and stuff, I enjoy listening to those, and would do just about anything to clear up time so I can either listen to one or read something. I'd almost say it's a recreational thing, and I think I can say with 100% honesty that I don't do it because I feel obligated. I've never heard stuff like this in my life, and it excites me!

It's the prayer thing I struggle with, and splitting time between prayer and sermons. I started the 2-hour prayer thing in part because I thought God wanted me to (though my own experience tells me I'm not good at discerning "voices," if you will), and I sincerely enjoyed it! Eventually, it did slide to where I didn't really look forward to it, and it began to look like flesh, though I very much didn't want it to be. Part of it was that I began wondering if perhaps it was unhealthy to spend more time listening to these messages than praying, and feel a bit more passionate about listening to messages than praying. That's where I began wrestling with myself.

Now I am beginning to understand, if I want that time to be real, it needs to come from a true desire to love and serve God, and not a plain sense of duty. In my spirit I certainly want to pray more, and I'd love to pray for long hours, but now I look at it... I don't think I'm quite there yet, if you get me.

Keep up this good fight. As I read your post, I realized you were speaking for me- only difference is I am not as disciplined as you are. I am trying to improve and have asked for prayer here in this area. Think about it- a person who wants to lose weight-will exercise and eat right EVEN IF HE/SHE DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT. What about a student studying for some entrance exam. I can go on forever. This post is for me too, so read on.

I have here the recipe to make homemade butter – Pour cream into a jar. Put some marbles in –Close the bottle and keep moving the jar. I used to make mine in a different way, but this website-post-gazette says

‘At first you will hear the marble moving. After about 15 minutes, the cream will get so thick that you won't hear or feel the marble. The sides of the jar will be coated with thick cream. Continue shaking the jar. After another 15 to 30 minutes, butter will begin to form. You will hear the marble moving again, then the coating of cream will disappear from the sides of the jar and you will see lumps of butter in a milky liquid. The liquid is buttermilk.’

That is with us too. At first you will hear the marble moving- that is initially we may feel like we are going somewhere. Then like it says in the website- the cream will get so thick you won’t hear or feel the marble. What will happen if you stop at this stage…The recipe says, if you continue you will hear the marble moving again. In other words if we persist God’s presence and power will flow.
I saw your post just now –I have mine on the same line just few posts above yours ‘I need prayer-related to Richard Wurmbrand’ – read it and let us uphold each other in prayer.

WE COME TO a place when it looks we cannot go on anymore. It is Holy Spirit ordained to make us depend on God and humble ourselves and ask for prayer. So cheer up. You are on the right path.

ONLY ONLY ONLY
1)DO NOT LET THE ENEMY CONDEMN YOU WHEN you miss a time of prayer or worship. FOR FREEDOM CHRIST HAS SET US FREE- NOT BY WORKS NOR BY LAW ARE WE SAVED BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD.
2) Do NOT IGNORE THE PROMPTINGS OF THE HOLYSPIRIT. I am guilty of both, but learning my lesson- asking for forgiveness and moving on. It is worth it. There is No God like our God.
“Yours o lord is the greatness the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor and the victory. For everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all. Ichr 29:11…”