For the past couple of months I have been crying out to the Lord for salvation. There have been times where I have thought myself saved only to see that I am not. There have been many days of deep hopelessness as to whether the Lord will save me or not, other times, a strong determination to keep seeking Him until he is found. There have been times where I have almost given up but there is a voice in my head and a feeling in my gut that wont let me do so, I cannot turn from seeking God.
I have asked the Lord to show me my sin, that I may see myself for what I am. I believe He has answered me to some extent, but it has only made me more hopeless. Everything I do seems to be sinful or motivated by self in some way. I hate it. I don't even want to be around other people because of the things that flash through my mind, it makes me sick. When I go to class, everybody I see on the way it feels as if I should witness to, but I have no courage and when I walk past somebody it feels as if I have sinned and heap further condemnation upon myself. I cry out to God for deliverance but he does not answer.
It is at the point where I am listening to almost any and all "voices" in my head, just to avoid doing something wrong, only to end up having some thought flash across my mind as a result from doing that action. If I resist, I am accused of sinning, if I abide, I feel more empty. I often ask God to show me his will that there will be no doubt as to if it is what I should do, only to get a reply of "you know what you need to do" and end up leaving more distressed because I honestly don't know if it what God wants.
I don't know what to do. I stay up to the early hours of the morning praying, only to have my prayers bounce of the ceiling and have scripture reading be dry and headache inducing.
I try fasting, only to think that maybe doing this God will answer me. I know this is twisting God's arm and he will not honor it but when I break the fast I am instantly put under the feeling of if I have just done something wrong.
I don't even know if I am seeking God anymore. I wonder if I am just seeking some sort of experience, some thrill. It sickens me to think that I would do this and not search out God. Honestly, I don't know my motives anymore.
To add more confusion to the mix, there are times when tears are shed when reading scripture, during prayer and wanting Christ alone. I would do anything if I were to know it the will of God and not some random voice in my head.
I know the Gospel. I hear of God's mercies, his tenderness but I experience none of it. The only thing I feel is that of condemnation. I feel no conviction of my sin, and yet I see it and it sickens me, perhaps it is the same thing, I don't even know anymore.
Please, not to insult, but don't post anything encouraging. My mind has a grotesque talent of taking things as simple as that and turning it into something to boast about, something prideful and arrogant, and I cannot bear to see that happen. I just ask God's people to pray for an arrogant person such as myself (glory in my shame comes to mind now) that God would break me and save me. I know I don't deserve it but I cannot stop until He has told me Himself that I am one of His.
Thanks.