Trying to understand what it means to forgive someone

Hey
I am trying to help a close friend understand forgiveness and what it means to forgive someone. In the bible we are instructed to forgive those who have wronged us or even harmed us regardless. My question is it enough to say that you have forgiven the person and still have no contact with them, or in order to show or prove that you hold no anger or bitterness do you have to be around that person or in contact with them. Please keep in mind in this situation we are talking about a close relative was inappropriately abusing my friend when she was a little girl.

Your little sis in Him
Elizabeth

wind_blows wrote:
Hey
I am trying to help a close friend understand forgiveness and what it means to forgive someone. In the bible we are instructed to forgive those who have wronged us or even harmed us regardless. My question is it enough to say that you have forgiven the person and still have no contact with them, or in order to show or prove that you hold no anger or bitterness do you have to be around that person or in contact with them. Please keep in mind in this situation we are talking about a close relative was inappropriately abusing my friend when she was a little girl.

Your little sis in Him
Elizabeth

Great question Elizabeth. Your friend and we all need two things. First, to get to the place of total and free forgiveness like the Lord forgave us. And then to understand the relationship the Lord (not others) want us to have with the person we have forgiven.

In general, forgiving someone of deep wounds takes time and it is best if the person feels committed to freeing their own heart from the poison and bitterness of unforgiveness. This really will turn out to be a blessing and Jesus commands it.

Second, I would say if there was abuse as a child, unless the Lord is indicating some type of appropriate relationship, the normal response would be very limited or no contact. The person should always have someone else with them so they feel safe.

I have seen the Lord direct this way before.

wind_blows wrote:
Hey
I am trying to help a close friend understand forgiveness and what it means to forgive someone. In the bible we are instructed to forgive those who have wronged us or even harmed us regardless. My question is it enough to say that you have forgiven the person and still have no contact with them, or in order to show or prove that you hold no anger or bitterness do you have to be around that person or in contact with them. Please keep in mind in this situation we are talking about a close relative was inappropriately abusing my friend when she was a little girl.

Your little sis in Him
Elizabeth

Sister,

The bible speaks much about forgiveness because this is at the heart of our salvation.

I believe we also need to understand what Jesus says about forgiveness, where on one hand the other person has repented and sought for forgiveness from the person that was wronged. The other situation being where a person forgives a person who has not repented nor asked forgiveness.

I believe that we do not have to go out of our way to be around someone who has wronged us even though we have forgiven them in our heart unless that person has truly repented themselves of the wrong they have done to us resulting in reconciliation.

Grace to you!

Dear Elizabeth,

My question is it enough to say that you have forgiven the person and still have no contact with them, or in order to show or prove that you hold no anger or bitterness do you have to be around that person or in contact with them.

Biblical forgiveness does NOT mean that the forgiver then becomes indebted to the forgiven person in any way. The debt has been cancelled, and that is enough. Your friend should not feel the need to befriend her abuser.

Mt 6:12-15 [color=CC3300]"Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."[/color]

Forgiveness, as taught in the Bible, is like cancelling a debt that you feel is owed you. Once that debt is cancelled (forgiven), you no longer seek payment, so both you and the forgiven person are free of that particular issue.

AMEN! AMEN!

When we forgive, the debt of revenge is paid (in our hearts). We no longer hold any desire that our abuser be hurt or "repaid" for what was done against us. Whether they ask for it or not, God expects us to give whole-hearted forgiveness:

Mat 18:35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

An important thing to remember in forgiveness is that forgiveness IS NOT EQUAL TO trust. With the help of the Holy Ghost, we can have our hearts healed of ALL ill-will toward the perpetrators of abuse, but that doesn't mean that we are to trust them.

In the book of Acts we read of MANY occasions where the apostles were abused, but when God allowed them to escape from their abusers, they didn't make a point to look them up and try to shake hands with them in order to make them feel forgiven! Look at how they treated Saul when he repented. It wasn't until they saw the evidence of his TOTAL repentance that they trusted being in his presence.

Another good example is David:

1Sa 26:21 Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.
1Sa 26:22 And David answered and said, Behold the king's spear! and let one of the young men come over and fetch it.

David had PROVEN to Saul that he had forgiven him. This was the second time that David had spared his life when he could have killed him. Again, Saul confesses his wrong and supposedly repents of it. Did David run over to Saul with the spear, and give Saul a big hug??? No. Saul had repeatedly given false repentances. Though David whole-heartedly forgave him, he DID NOT trust Saul. He said for one of the young men to come and fetch the spear.

David proves his whole-hearted forgiveness in the way that he reacted when he heard the news of Saul's death; however, he kept his distance, because he could not trust him yet.

In the case of the Saul who became Paul . . . they didn't keep their distance long with him because his repentance was SO obvious for such a long time that they no longer feared being in his presence.

i think it means that when you meet someone you where hurt by, or let down by, lies to by, or any other evil, i think to forgive that person meens you can look them in their eyes and smile from your heart to them feeling nothing but love. For me forgiveness is that i can look upon those who has done me the greatest evil with the same look and heart that Jesus looks to me.

So forgiveness is to see people as Jesus sees you,that is how i understand the scriptures.

Corrie ten Boom speaks in her book about having to forgive one of the guards in the concentration camp where she was. She says that the guard came up to her after she had finished preaching a sermon on forgiveness. She recognised the guard but he did not recognise her. He said to her that he had become a christian & would she please shake his hand & say that she had forgiven him. She had a big fight within but knew that she had to do it. She did not do it in her own strength, she asked Jesus to help her. Even when she put her hand out to shake his she was struggling, but once her hand reached his the love of God flowed through her. She had to make a decision, she didn't do it because she had the feeling. We need to ask for Jesus' help & not to wait for the feeling. It often won't happen straight away, but each time you ask Jesus He will help you & it will get easier everytime.
Bless you

Dear Elizabeth.
I fully agree with 'deepthinker' I too survived 7 years of abuse and rape by a Deacon in our Church who was a close family friend. He is now serving time and facing many more charges from further victims who came forward after my case.
I strongly urge your friend to face her Goliath and take action as he will have abused others and will continue to be a danger to other children.
I was told by a Christian magistrate that for every victim that comes forward they add on another nine!! such is the scale of this addictive behaviour.
I thought I was an only victim, but have been overwhelmed to be told by officials that many came forward after my case was made public, they weren't allowed to tell me exactly how many but that there were a lot!!
I would encourage your friend most strongly to contact Christian professionals C.C.P.A.S, they have a website and helpline and have many publications that will help your friend.
God is not only a God of love and forgiveness but also a God of justice who will not let the guilty go free. There are many scriptural references that kept me going during my investigation.

His actions deeply affected my life and marriage for twenty years afterwards, untill I came forward.
God moved in an amazing and miraculous way for me. I too struggled with forgiveness but to cut a long story short I asked the Lord for the desire to forgive him, which came. I then pictured him in my mind and prayed speaking out forgiveness, telling him I forgive him.
I came to realise in time that he never wanted my forgiveness, and became increasingly hard hearted and arrogant, but that didn't matter, I was the one that was released and my forgiveness has allowed God to move in my life in an amazing way.

As for keeping in contact - definately not!

I love what David Wilkerson said in his daily reading today 'Forgiveness isn't a matter of stirring up human affection, but making a moral decision to remove hatred from our hearts'
That is so true. I can honestly say that I do not hate my abuser and as with 'deepthinker' after twenty years of carrying such a heavy burden the pain has gone, I can talk about it and am free to help others.
I have recently been taken to visit other victims to share my testimony and my church leadership, who immediately expelled him, have encouraged and supported me and are getting my testimony published for God's glory.