[b]Step Up Young Man
Series Title: What He Must Be (Day 1 of 4)
Program: FamilyLife Today (25 Minutes)
Airdate: 8/17/2009 12:00:00 AM
TRANSCRIPT:
Bob: All right. Let’s say there is a young man who is interested in your daughter.
Dennis: A young man kind of circling your daughter right now.
Voddie Baucham: A vulture.
(laughter)
Bob: He’s hanging around and maybe he’s even come and asked for your permission to spend time with her…but he’s not the guy.
Voddie: He’s already stolen her heart. I’m saying that’s not a good guy. That’s a poacher.
(laughter)
Bob: Voddie Baucham says you have an assignment as a dad. The first assignment is to protect your daughter but your assignment doesn’t stop there.
Voddie: Don’t be so selfish. This guy comes and he’s not the guy for your daughter. You just throw him away but you have an opportunity in that young man’s life.( Read Full Transcript )
Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 17, 2009. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I am Bob Lepine. We have an assignment as dads and as moms to raise up sons and daughters who are ready to say “I do.”
And welcome to FamilyLife Today! Thanks for joining us. Back when you wrote your book, Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date I remember people said to you afterwards when are you going to write the next one for interviewing the man who has dated for a while and now is ready to …
Dennis: Ready to be your son in law.
Bob: To close the deal.
Dennis: Right.
Bob: I think somebody beat you to the punch, don’t you?
Dennis: I’ve found the companion book. All the dads who have been interviewing their daughters date you now have when he shows up and wants her hand and then the rest of her you have an assignment before you make the hand off.
Before I introduce our guest on today’s broadcast I want to turn to our listeners and I want to say thanks to those listeners who have participated with us over the past six to eight months who have participated in our ministry financially and given sacrificially.
For those who have prayed for us that God would provide I want you to know this really has been the most challenging year I personally have ever faced in 33 years of helping the lead FamilyLife. As I’ve mentioned on a number of occasions we have cut our budget 20 percent and had two lay offs. We’ve pulled back in every possible area except in our ministry to you as a listener.
Again I want to say thanks and I want to remind our listeners that FamilyLife ends its ministry year August 31st. For those of you who have been impacted by FamilyLife Today perhaps our Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference or the HomeBuilders. All those things were designed by us to help better equip you. I would like to ask you to continue to stand with us and perhaps consider a gift as our ministry year comes to a close.
For those of you who have never given to FamilyLife Today could I ask you to make a gift today to stand with us? I want you to know that I need your help and we are trying to finish strong here and wanted to ask you that.
Bob: You can make a donation online at FamilyLife Today.com or you can call and make a donation over the phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY. We do appreciate those of you who are able to help with financial support for this ministry. We are listener supported and we really appreciate your partnership with us.
Dennis: Now we need to get back to the topic at hand of equipping dads for the hand off. To may be have a few words with the young man who gets his daughter. Joining us to do that is Voddie Baucham. Voddie welcome to FamilyLife Today.
Voddie: Thank you. It’s good to be here.
Dennis: He’s been with us before Bob. You know he is a pastor in Houston. He’s a professor, father, husband of one wife and five children. Praying for five more children.
Voddie: Yes, sir.
Dennis: We’re talking about a visionary here.
(laughter)
Dennis: Here’s the thing Voddie. I really am excited about what you’ve written. The name of the book is What He Must Be.
Bob: And then the subtitle.
Dennis: If he wants to marry my daughter.
Bob: There we got it.
Dennis: I’m a little surprised you didn’t put “my” in all capital letters.
(laughter)
Dennis: Because we’ve interviewed you before and I’m trying to picture any young man who wants to marry your daughter, Jasmine.
Voddie: Yes, sir.
Dennis: It’s like step on up young man.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: You’re like me though and I’ve had this thought—the hand off at a wedding has become traditional and almost meaningless.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: When I made the hand off of my daughter, Ashley, I decided if I was going to pay for the wedding then I was going to get some face time with the young man who got the hand.
Voddie: Amen.
Dennis: So I began to meet with him over a period of days and ultimately weeks to talk to him about several issues that I wanted to make sure they were in place. That’s really where you are as well, isn’t it?
Voddie: Absolutely. It’s too important. Again what I try to point out in the book is that this carry over idea of the father giving away his daughter comes from a biblical perspective. We see that for example in Jeremiah 29 that we are to give our daughters in marriage. I think inherent in that is this concept of responsibility for vetting the candidate. We are putting ourselves on the hook and saying as the one responsible for this young lady I can say before God and these witnesses that I’ve tested this one and he’s worthy. If we are going to do that we better do some homework. We better do some investigating and we better do some investing in this young man who is going to be the father of our grandchildren.
Bob: As you are describing this I’m thinking I am a father who has given away two daughters to two wonderful young men. But I’ve also been aware here’s been the tension in my heart these young men who I have given my daughters to are farther ahead on their understanding on what it means to be a man when I gave my daughters to them then I was when I became a husband.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Bob: But it is hard for me as a dad and a mature man to look at a younger man and think is he ready? I want him to be at an advanced level of maturity that he doesn’t have enough years to have yet. I want him to have wisdom that only life is going to give him.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Bob: How do you as a dad look at a young man and make the determination that the foundation here is good and there is still some building that needs to come but that’s okay.
Voddie: That’s one of the things that I really try to point out in the book. We are not going to find a finished product. There are a lot of guys out there who grasp this concept and they are holding the reigns too tight. It’s just like you said they are looking for something that just isn’t out there.
Bob: They are looking for a 50 year old man in a 20 year old body.
Voddie: Absolutely and that guy is not out there. But here’s the other side of the coin. If I know what the elements are that have to be there then I understand what I am looking for in a less mature form.
So, for example, the guy has to be a provider. Well, is he going to have a 401k and all this other stuff at that time? He may not. He may not have the full blown financial portfolio of a guy down the line but does he have a work ethic?
Bob: Yes.
Voddie: That you can see. If a guy has a work ethic and he knows what it means to work and save and be responsible and things of that nature you can see that. You can see whether or not this guy has the tenacity to do whatever it takes to provide for his family. That’s a character issue that you can see even early on.
Bob: So those are the things that you are looking for? Those character seeds in a young man’s life.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: What you are really talking about is like building a house which is what you are going to do here. You are going to build a home. There are certain elements that have to be in place if you are ultimately going to furnish that home. One is the foundation, one is the framing and the other is the roof. It all has to be in place. What you are saying is as you look at these young men who come courting and knocking on the door for your daughter’s hand you have some very fundamental issues you are looking for in these young men’s lives before you make the hand off.
I can tell you as one who has done this three times this is not an exact science and there are no tests you can give the young man like a college entrance exam.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: That would make it easier right here. Pass or fail. It is ultimately an issue of judgment of the dad and what you are equipping fathers to do is first of all assume the assignment and then secondly here’s kind of what the foundation looks like. Here’s what the framing of the house and what the roof is and there is where the job is. If he doesn’t have a job there is no roof or protection for that family.
Voddie: Exactly. You are exactly right. You hit the nail right on the head.
Bob: Has Jasmine fully bought in to what you are talking about in your book?
Voddie: Oh, yes, absolutely.
Bob: Is there not any concern on her part that she might find herself attracted to a young man and he doesn’t meet daddy’s standards and I’m out in the cold at that point?
Voddie: You know there really isn’t. We’ve talked about this so long
Bob: Like starting when?
Voddie: Like starting when she’s verbal and she starts playing with dolls and playing house.
Bob: You are talking about interviewing her husband at that point? When she’s three?
Voddie: Oh, yes. We talk about it way back then. Early on put the framework in there. Talk about that so that’s the natural, normal process that she understands.
Dennis: She expects daddy to be involved in this.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: Same thing with interviewing your daughter’s date.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: When my daughter Ashley had her first date it wasn’t a matter of being a battle of the wills because we had already laughed and kidded about it for a number of years.
Voddie: It’s the only thing she knows. It’s her paradigm.
Dennis: So what about the guy though who has a young lady who may be like Jasmine, 19 years old, and he’s not had the conversation and maybe he sees a young man kind of circling right now.
Voddie: A vulture.
(laughter)
Bob: A poacher. That was the word you used.
Dennis: What would you encourage him to do at that point because isn’t this going to kind of create whiplash?
Voddie: It’s just like anything else. We have to start somewhere and what he must be is the whole package. Now there are going to be people at different stages as it relates to this so what we have to do is recognize what we have created up to this point. That may mean that the first conversation with our daughter is not, I’ve read this book and heard this guy talk about this and here’s how it’s going to be.
(laughter)
Dennis: Here is the checklist.
Voddie: Here’s the deal. If you haven’t earned the right to say that you may have to start like this. Sweetheart I need to ask for your forgiveness because I had no idea about the significance of my responsibility in your life as it relates to where you’re headed as a wife and as a mother. I have completely and utterly neglected you and left you unprepared and unprotected and I am sorry. I was wrong would you please forgive me and pray with me as I seek by God’s grace to walk with you as best as I can through this process.
Dennis: At that point don’t launch in to all the qualifications that you just read in the book.
(laughter)
Voddie: That’ right.
Dennis: Let the apology linger. Finish experiencing that together. So many men want to fix it and address the problem immediately. This is not a time to fix it.
Voddie: Yes, sir.
Dennis: This is a time to be humble and admit your mistakes and let her answer the question. I forgive you daddy or I’m not sure what you mean daddy. Because she may not have the context to be able to forgive you or address the issue you’ve raised in terms of interviewing her date or addressing a young man who wants to marry her.
Bob: But if she is 15, 16 or 17 and you come and you make this apology and she says that’s okay. It’s been fine. In fact, I kind of liked it this way with me calling the shots and you more out of the picture. I’m not so sure I’m going to like this new approach that you are suggesting. In fact, let’s just keep it the way it is, dad.
Voddie: Yes. You may have to go slow but you have to go. The last thing you do is throw your hands up and say okay, fine. God says that this would be the best thing for you but since you don’t like what God says is the best thing for you I’m just going to give up. You know, that’s the last thing you do.
You might have to go slow and you might have to come back again and again and again and start building this stuff piece by piece. Walking with her step by step because at that point what I’m hearing is a guy hasn’t invested in the discipleship of his daughter. So there is a more fundamental problem. So rather than bringing this particular piece to bear with his daughter what he might do instead is back the whole truck up and start with discipleship and relationship with his daughter 101.
This is like 401 what he must be part. If you recognize that you don’t have 101 or 201 or 301 but that’s okay we’ll just go straight to 401. No, back it up all the way up and just start with building a basic disciplining relationship and a basic relationship in general with your daughter and work up to these kinds of issues.
Bob: So has Jasmine had any reluctance with what you have been proposing to her? Is she in any way kind of not sure what she thinks about this?
Voddie: Jasmine is an advocate and an exponent of this whole concept.
Dennis: She is a first born.
Voddie: Yes. She’s my research assistant.
Dennis: She’s daddy’s little girl grown up first born.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: I don’t want to be a prophet here because I am not one but it’ll be interesting by the time you are finished with your tribe. You said you hope to have 10…
Voddie: Yes.
Dennis: …if you don’t get some pushback because you know children are not robots.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: So you have to deal with each one individually and care for them.
Voddie: Absolutely you do.
Dennis: What you’re really about and what this is about is even a bigger issue than protecting our daughters. It’s about a big global issue of legacy.
Voddie: Yes.
Dennis: That’s what is driving you as a man and ultimately came out of your own life of being given a legacy that was not a godly legacy--a legacy of protection and of love. You want to change your legacy.
Voddie: Absolutely and the other thing, too, to go back to the question of Jasmine’s buy in. Remember this is a fundamental foundational issue for our family and has been for a long, long time. It is normative. That’s not to say that push comes to shove and we get closer and there is this guy versus that guy. That’s not to say that there won’t be that kind of give and take and exchange. I think because she realizes that there will be that there is less likelihood for the push back.
Bob: Do you envision that she will find him and you will vet him or you will find him and vet him before she’s ever in the picture?
Dennis: You are talking about an arranged marriage, Bob?
Bob: That’s what I’m trying to figure out how this is going to work in the Baucham household.
Dennis: I’d know you’d like to. I can see it in your eyes.
Voddie: I’d love to.
Dennis: It would have been good for me. The entire American dating scene is not a healthy deal.
Voddie: Oh, no but let me say ideally I would really like for the situation to be something like this. She and I talk all the time. We talk about the kinds of things that she is interested in. I talk to her a lot about the kind of man I think she needs just because of what I see in her and what I know of her. We sit and have these kinds of conversations. Now you know because of this part of you and your personality she doesn’t need a weak man. No, Jasmine doesn’t need a weak man.
Dennis: Did she help you with this book?
Voddie: Yes, absolutely. She is my research assistant. Everything that I do she’s my research assistant on. So I tell her, sweetheart, you would chew a weak man up. He would be sitting over in a corner with his thumb in his mouth somewhere. So no weak men. Those are the kinds of things that we talk about.
(laughter)
But because of that we have our head on a swivel and we are looking around and it can happen either way. But if it happened to where she was interested in a guy I still go do the vetting process before she gets close enough to give herself to him emotionally.
Bob: That means you have to be right there on top of it and involved…
Voddie: Absolutely.
Bob: …Engaged. Because a lot of dad’s would say my daughter is off at college and I don’t know who she is running into. Her heart will be gone before I ever see it. To have her on your team she’ll know to come and say daddy I’ve noticed this guy. A lot of guys do not even know their daughters are dating anybody until she comes home and says I’m engaged.
Voddie: Absolutely. That’s why one of the whole points of this book is about establishing this foundational fundamental understanding of our relationship to our daughter, our responsibility as a husband and a father and understanding that this is just an extension and an expression of that. It’s not a separate issue. A lot of the difficulty when people think through the concept of what he must be and the concept of this book immediately our minds go to all the obstacles and difficulties because of how broken our culture is.
The point is this is not some kind of panacea. This is a piece of a bigger puzzle. You build on the foundation of our understanding the role and responsibility of a man in his household. It goes far beyond the issue of courtship. This then becomes a natural extension of that as opposed to this sort of piece out there that we are just going to grab onto and force into the context.
Bob: This is one application of a much bigger issue.
Voddie: Yes!
Dennis: What you are calling men to do ultimately is to step up and assume their responsibility under the leadership of God’s word, the Holy Spirit, and being surrendered to Christ in their own lives.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Dennis: Saying Oh, God help me in my weakness know how to lead, love, protect and guide my children as they emerge into adulthood and as we let the arrows go.
Voddie: Absolutely.
Bob: Let’s see if we have any guys listening who are ready to step up like you are talking about. We have copies of Voddie’s book in our FamilyLife Resource Center. Go to FamilyLife Today.com and there is information there about the book called What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter.
In fact if you would like to read a portion of the book you can go to our web site and we have a link to Voddie’s web site. Click through to Voddie’s web site and if you type in the key word “radio” on his web site you can read the first chapter of the book online.
Or just get a copy of it by letting us send it out to you. Again go to FamilyLife Today.com and the information is available there about Voddie’s book. If you are interested in getting Dennis’ book Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date you can. I’m not sure how old your daughter is but if you wanted to get both of these books Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date and Voddie’s book What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter we will send along at no additional cost the CD audio of our conversation this week with Voddie Baucham. On top of that this month if you can help with a donation of any amount for the ministry of FamilyLife Today we will also send you a copy of Dennis’ audio book, Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date.
So if you want to get the audio book just add a donation or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make your donation over the phone. If you are ordering online and you are making a donation you just need to type the word “date” in the key code box on the donation form. So again go to the web site FamilyLife Today.com for the information you need.
Or call toll free if that is easier 1-800-FL-TODAY. That’s 1-800-“F” as in Family, “L” as in Life and then the word TODAY.
Let me just say a quick word of thanks to those of you who are able to help this month with a donation of any amount. We appreciate your financial support. We are listener supported and as Dennis has already mentioned on today’s program this would be a particularly helpful time for us to hear from you. So again if you can make a donation of any amount we would appreciate your financial support.
Quickly I wanted to give our listeners an update on something they have heard us talk about on past programs. Next month the first annual national Bible Bee is going to be having its regional competitions all across the country. More than 17,000 young people are signed up to be contestants in regional Bible Bee competitions all across the country. The national Bible Bee competition is taking place in Washington, D.C. in November.
Dennis and I are both going to be on hand for that event but we are excited about the 17,000 signed up to take part in the Bible Bee and if you want to find out where the Bible Bee regional competitions are being held in a city near where you live go to our web site at FamilyLife Today.com. We have a link there to the Bible Bee web site and you can get the information you need directly from them. Once again we are excited about the upcoming national Bible Bee and we wanted to let you know. 17,000 young people participating in this event and I have to believe if there are some young men who are competing and compete well in that Bible Bee it will give them a leg up if they want to marry Voddie Bauchaum’s daughter, right?
With that we have to wrap things up for today. We are going to talk more about the kind of young man that Voddie is looking for and that we all need to be looking for as dads as our daughters enter the courting years. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us.
I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team.
On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I am Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another addition of FamilyLife Today.
FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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© 2009 FamilyLife
[i]to be continued