so something kinda big happened last night.
as i was watching a beautiful video of God's creation declaring His glory (www.asajulian.com), i was just longing to sit and drink Him in and find a place where i could rest in Him fully and be totally apart from the world, with no distraction, and for a long long time..and then it dawned on me: there won't be a place like that until heaven.
it just...hit me.
all this time i had thought i could escape it all somehow, or that i could find a place where i was so joyous to be there, feeling at home. or that i could make right everything that has gone wrong at my hands. that if i could just find the right spot, it would be this perfect place, and they'd come flooding to God, and i'd be so happy, just being with God and enjoying Him, and no people would hurt me, or reject Him, and i wouldn't hurt them, or damage His name, make any more mistakes...but that is not what my time here is for.
i've been so deeply frustrated, afraid, knowing i'm too small and this is too big for me...running around trying to find a place God can use me where
people will be receptive to the gospel..looking all over for a fellowship where we are all alike and all totally walking uprightly in full obedience to God...
but there is no such place. the truth is, people hate the gospel all over, and no fellowship is perfect. i'm faulty enough for an entire congregation. should i then expect perfection from all of them? where has my faith been? am i so foolish as the galatians? yes, this has been so. being begun in the Spirit, i expected perfection in frail flesh. i have looked to man to carry me but i need only Christ.
it's kinda like that realization you have when you're a child getting bigger and you begin to see
the world isn't so perfect like you thought.
this is a messy, messy place. yet we are called to serve Him in it.
because of the hope of Christ Jesus, let us press on!!!
shall i not be spent for the One Who saved me?
Lord, please give me a heart like this. i believe You are bringing me to this brink. how i long to just sit and be with You, drinking You in, unadulterated, and not feel the world closing in on me. how i wish i could just go away to You and never see this world again! but how i wish to serve You here too. how sin hurts me so, how the hatred of the world for you and for me tears at my very heart and soul!!
but there is work to be done here, Lord. let me do it. please, o God, strengthen me for Your kingdom. please, o Lord, strengthen me, that i may surrender! oh, to be brought low and shown so weak that YOU would be the One to shine.
please let me spend my remaining days worshiping You and telling Your gospel to whoever would hear. please let me be faithful, even when the pain is so deep, and the road is so hard and i am on my last legs, when i've cried the last tear my eye will give, when i've said the last prayer i can squeak out, when i've sobbed my lungs out, let there be more, yes, MORE!!! from the outpouring of YOUR love!!! bring me to my end, o Lord, that i might begin in You! You are the great I AM!!! You are the holy One Who can give life where there is no life left!
please, o God, please sustain me in this hard, hard world. You are the only One, the only Thing, worth pouring out ourselves for. please let me be such a one who loves You and is poured out for Your glory! let me love like You, walk like You, worship like You. let me be poured out like You, and please, please, please give me the strength to obey You unto death-even death on a cross.
and in those moments when, by Your grace, You do allow me to just simply be with You...please
let them strengthen me and comfort me, please let them guide me right to Your precious, bleeding side. please let me remember them well in the other moments. please let me find rest in Your power, in Your cross, in Your redeeming love. living in this rest is all i need. You are all i need, Lord Jesus.
please, let me be spent for You, wherever You would have me go. i see now there is no escape from sin on this planet. oh, how i cry over this....but You give me peace amidst it all. thank You...and please give me Your gracious strength.
shall You not be spent all out for? yes, Lord. yes.
let me be one of Your faithful ones, precious, precious Jesus.
hallel Y'shua.
let me be spent for Your glory, and let me rest in Your power. let me surrender EVERYTHING to You.
You are mercy. You are mercy.
thank You for Your mercy.
Son of David, thank You for Your tremendous mercy, the reality of which i know not, but only this tiny glimpse...
i am filled with wonder anew at Your unimaginable grace.