In need of wisdom

I have a younger brother who several years ago became very angry with me because of a misunderstanding. At that time he wrote me an email filled with anger and profanity telling me to never write or be in contact with him ever again. I tried to reach out to him but he only became more angry with me so I did as he asked and have not spoken to him since then. When my dad passed away recently my brothers and sisters discussed if we should call my younger brother to tell him what was happening. My brother had written my dad a letter just last year telling him that he wanted nothing to do with him and that he did not care if he lived or died. He said he wanted nothing to do with my dad ever again. When my dad went into the hospital things happened really fast with him, on Sunday they confirmed cancer and by Monday night he was gone, there was little time and the decision was made not to tell by younger brother about what was happening. I really agonized over this because I kept thinking I would want to know,but then he said he wanted nothing to do with my dad and it was decided we should respect what he said.Even my dad said to us not to bother my younger brother when he was dieing because he had gotten that letter from him.

Later at my urging my older sister wrote a letter to my younger brother telling him of my dads passing away. She explained why we did not call him sooner and told him all that had happened. My brother is now even more angry with me, he says that he never said any of the things about not caring about my dad, he claims that its all lies and that he did not write any letters. This is a complete lie because we still have the letter that he sent to my dad. My brother told my sister he would have wanted to know about my dad being so sick and that he is furious with me for not being considerate enough to tell him. He has a really violent temper and is very filled with bitterness. At this point I don't know what I should do? This is very upsetting for my mom. He called her and was angry with her as well. At the time I thought we were making the right choice not to tell my brother because of what he said and his anger but now I just really feel guilty about the whole thing. Please pray if you feel led, I don't know if I should try to be in contact with my brother or just let things go for now.

God Bless
maryjane

hello maryjane well your in a tough spot but at the end of your post you said you thought you wre doing the right thing by honoring your brothers wishes.well thats the aproach I would take in contacting him you tell him you thought you would honor his wishes in leaving him alone but in reality you humble yourself before him and say brother your right I was wrong for not contacting you about dad and I would have certainly wanted you to contact me if I wasnt awhere and I ask you to forgive me mom needs us in this time of grief lets lay aside our differences right now for the sake of mom and this family dad loved you very much and he would not want this right now and just let the LORD lead you from there sister your brother is angry cause there is a fear deep down in his soul and it is just manifesting itself in anger your misunderstanding with him way back has really nothing to do with what is going on down on the inside of him but sister you do your part and I believe the LORD will restore this relationship I will be before the LORD in this with .This is just by the way I feel like maybe you used this as a way to hurt him back for the way he dishonered dad and maybe just maybe somewhere in you said good he dont want us to contact him fine I wont see how he feels when he finds out dads passed away I dont know could be wrong but I sense that theres just something on your end you have to do to release your brother let me know and you leave your gift at the alter and go take care of the ought with your brother love you sister

Glenm

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for offering your prayers. Yes it is a difficult situation to be in, but I know the Lord is in control of this too. I take comfort in that. I did want to clarify one thing, I only mentioned the misunderstanding that happened several years ago because it explains why I have not been in contact with my brother, not because I hold any kind of anger. I have not heard from or spoken to him in seven years at his request. I do not have his phone number, or even a mailing address in which to contact him. The only way I could get in touch with him now is through my sister(she has limited contact with him) My brother is angry with my whole family about this as well as other things. He has lived a hard life with both drug and alcohol abuse and has always had an explosive temper, so we have never been very close.
I feel sad for my brother and I care about him, he is not saved and is filled with so much anger and hatred. I had tried to share with him a long time ago but he wanted nothing to do with the Lord, so I did not push the issue. I have prayed for him often.

You said that you thought that maybe I used not telling him about my dad in some way to get back at him. I am not sure why you thought this. I am not angry with my brother or in any way looking for an opportunity to get back at him, as a christian it would be sin on my part to take that attitude with anyone and that is something that I will not do. As far as what my brother said in his letter to my dad(I have never read the letter) that was between the two of them to work out. I prayed for both my dad and brother to come to see their need for Jesus and to repent, I still do pray for my brother. I feel bad that my brother did not get told about my dad though, if it was the right decision or not I am not sure. I know that we made that decision based on what we knew concerning my brothers feelings at the time.

As you can imagine this all weighs very heavy on my heart. Thank you again for your prayers.

God Bless
mj

MaryJane

My sympathies are with you during this very difficult time. To lose your dad and then having to make a decision whether to contact your brother about this info is extremely difficult.

Your brother told you to not contact him and so you honored his wishes.Since you did now he is angry with you all over again. Anger = temporary insanity...make sense?

MJ, when people possess the anger you described, they are beside themselves. This anger is sinful. James 2:10 informs us that whoever offends the law in one point is guilty of all, even if he is faithful in observing the rest of it. But you know what? This rarely happens. When one is in a sinful lifestyle, the rest of the SIN family resides there as well. Your brother has uncontrolled anger and then there is lying, strife, malice....MJ, you cannot reason with an angry person because he is being controlled by a force outside himself.

Now, what would happen if you just stepped back a tad bit and looked at this thing objectively: how would Jesus handle it? Still don't know? What if you were to address the person as though the anger would not be there?

MJ, I am well aware of the emotional trauma imposed on a person by one who has uncontrolled anger: the things said and later denied when confronted. It is as though more then one person resides in this body and they are not on speaking terms with each other - don't know what the other is up to. So, how did I handle it? Not well, except to learn to keep my distance and be so very careful what you say so as to not evoke an angry reaction. You see, you are not responsible for another person's sin. He/she will have to stand before God almighty and give an account. In the meantime you do not want to become a partaker with another person in their sin. Angry people have a way of infecting others with their perverted perceptions of life, people.

My suggestion is that you do not allow an angry person to control you. He is beside himself and you will have to distance yourself emotionally from him and then see how the LORD would lead you to deal with it. Ask the LORD for specific instructions and if your emotions are at peace, you can hear his voice. But if he says nothing, then you do just that: nothing.

God bless you, dear...will pray for you.
ginnyrose

Greetings ginnyrose
thank you so much for your words of wisdom. When I read what you wrote:one who has uncontrolled anger: the things said and later denied when confronted. It is as though more then one person resides in this body and they are not on speaking terms with each other - don't know what the other is up to.
_____

This is the perfect description of my brothers behavior. It is so hard to know what to say to him because you never know what is going to cause him to explode. Even my mother has had to watch every word she says because of his anger. He has threatened to stop speaking to her as well so she tires walk the tight rope with him. Now that she is getting older though and has been dealing with poor health she does not have the energy any more and she told me this last time he called angry with her she just had enough. She said she listened and then told him she had to go because she was not going to argue with him.

Thank you for the advice as well, its what my husband has advise to. He also reminded me not to second guess myself, with my brothers angry behavior there really was no way to know what was the right thing to do. He could have exploded with anger if we had told him as well and that would have been really hard on my dad at that time. I am going to be praying and seeking the Lord on this and just wait upon Him to guide me.
Thanks again your post really helped confirm what the Lord was sharing with me through my darling husband to.

God bless you sister
maryjane

ps As I was writing this I was thinking also about my niece that I shared wit you about, her anger and bitterness towards her mom, really can see where sins do come down through the family line unless Jesus gets a hold of a persons life.My husband calls it cycles of sin.

Dear MaryJane,

Eph 4:15 Instead, SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

I agree with ginnyrose, that you should take time to pray and seek God's leading. Only He has the wisdom to deal with complicated situations like this.

Eventually, however, your family will have to reach out and break the ice with your brother, and I thought that one of the best icebreakers would be a dose of truth.

Maybe you brother, with all the drug and alcohol abuse, truly forgot about that letter he sent to your father, which was the basis for your dad's request and your family's decision not to contact him during your dad's illness. If you mother still has that letter, perhaps sending your brother a copy of it (in a loving and non-accusing way) might help him realize his error and help clear the air somewhat.

Just an idea --- please pray about it.

MaryJane,

Please do keep us posted...we do care.

Blessings,
ginnyrose