What about anger ?

My wife and I are trying to come to an understanding about some things relating to child rearing. One question we're trying to get a solid grasp on is, 'Is there a place for anger in the parent-child relationship ?'

We've recently started reading a book which seems to be a good one called, 'Shepherding a Child's Heart', by Tedd Tripp. To my question about anger, this author would say, "no". He supports his view with verses such as James 1:19-20, where we are told to, "be slow to become angry".

Without a doubt, uncontrolled anger is damaging to any relationship and is wrong. But what I'm wondering is, doesn't the admonition, "Be angry and sin not", suggest that anger is not always sinful ? Also I wonder about the incident where Christ over-turned the tables of the money changers in the temple. Does this mean that there is a time and a place for anger in the life of a Christian, or was Christ demonstrating a type of 'righteous indignation' that God alone should manifest ?

Sometimes, when I become upset with my kids because they are fighting or whatever, I struggle with whether my response to them was a reasonable one. I sometimes feel guilty at times when I've been upset with my kids, but I also wonder whether or not I should be feeling that way.

Any thoughts ?

In Jesus,
John

It is very important to not take Jesus overturning tables out of its context. This was His eternal meekness under complete control. The people whom he was enraged with were the so-called leaders of Israel. They held all the spiritual cards and were preventing people from praying and worshiping the Father. The only people Jesus ever seemed to be angry with were the Spiritual leaders who were complete hypocrites. When I say though that his anger was meek, think what would have happened had Jesus lost control of his temper. In a second he could have thrown a tantrum that leveled the entire universe. The expression of his anger, while seeming to be bold to us, was enormously gracious and merciful by means of capacity.

This is what it means to be angry and sin not, if you are angry, and have no self-control, you are in total sin. I confess I am still being taught this lesson, but God is giving me victory day by day.

A great Old Testament example of the contrast between the Two would be when Moses came down the mountain, he was somehow completely in the right to have thousands slaughtered by the sword of the Levites, but was excommunicated from Israel for striking the rock. I believe it is a testimony of the witness of the Spirit in your life if you can be angry for the right reasons, and that anger leads to fruitfulness. A.K.A. you see a person being hurt, and you are angry because it is wrong, but compassion and help is the result.

As far as raising children, the best way I think that anger has its place would only be in the same ways that our Eternal Father expresses anger. Search the scriptures and see how that is. Always be angry with sin, but do not sin when angry about it...by the Spirit we cry out Abba, Father. Galatians tells us also in 5:20 that we will not inherit the Kingdom of God if we are given to wrath, emulations, strife, and seditions.

Anger must be under control. God help us.

You disagree with me saying there is a right way to be angry and a wrong way to be angry?

Dear John,

There is such a thing as righteous anger in Scripture. It is not necessarily an evil thing, for God himself was angry with his people many times for their lack of faith and disobedience (like a father with his child).

Having raised three kids, all of whom I love dearly, it would be hypocritical of me to say that I was never angry. Anger, in fact, can be helpful because it often brings about rapid repentance on the part of the offending child. I believe that the absence of parental anger in the face of a grievous offense by a child will lead to further disobedience; while righteous anger will prevent it. We see this in God's own behavior towards his children (us).

What is important is that parental anger must be justified, and must have its roots in loving concern for the child.

Greetings live4jc

When I was younger I really struggled with explosive anger. I would get angry at the littlest things, scream and shout it took me forever to stop being angry. When I think back to some of those times I really feel sorry for my husband and two older children who had to put up with me. My anger never got to the point that I became physically hurtful toward anyone but I fully believe if I had continued it could have. By the time my second oldest son was born God was really beginning to work on my heart in this area. I saw that my anger was sin and that it was something I needed to die to. As Father worked in my heart and life on this issue I began to learn how harmful to my children it was when I punished them to do so in anger. I realize now what I hypocrite I must have come off as. Here was mom telling them that anger is wrong, it is sinful to be angry and take that anger out on others and yet I was doing that very thing. I spent a lot of time in prayer over this and repented. From that point on when my children sin and did things they knew were wrong I made sure never to react or deal with them until I was calm and no longer angry. I spent time to explain to them that their behavior was wrong in the eyes of the Lord and that what they had done was sin. I shared with them what the punishment for their actions would be making sure that they understood that by their own actions they were responsible for what was happening in the way of discipline. They still received spankings when it was warranted but on many occasions I often cried tears as I spanked them. On one such occasion my son looked at me and asked me why I was crying, I explained to him that his sin had hurt Jesus and that I loved Jesus very much so it made me sad to see that he would do things that he knew where wrong and hurt the Lord like that. My sons eyes welled up with huge tears and he just crumpled to the ground, he told me how sorry he was and asked me to pray with him so that he could tell Jesus how sorry he was to. After that day he never did strike out towards his younger brother, in fact on many occasions he would come to me instead when he was feeling frustrated or angry and ask me to pray with him for strength not to give into that sin.

Parenting is a difficult job that requires us to pray and draw on the strength of the Lord daily, I know for me personally I am never to get angry and loose my temper when dealing with my children, this is what the Lord has shown me over the years, spend time in prayer, Father will show you what is best for your family.

God Bless
maryjane

What an awesome testimony MaryJane.

Yeah, sorry I should have quoted you, I am a bit of a forum foreigner. Sorry Alive.

MaryJane,

Your post is a vivid reminder how God will use our children to mold parents into his image - if we allow him to do so.

I commented to our [now] 41 YO son, who is a parent to five children - that I wonder who is raising who in the family? Is it the parents the childen or the children the parents? He suggested it works both ways. I agree.

Blessings,
ginnyrose

I hope that you gather that I don't agree with the above

I guess I thought so because of that statement, because my post was above yours...I guess I committed a double faux pas, please forgive me.

This is why I usually stay away from forums...I am such a blockhead.

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I wanted to say that I greatly appreciate the feedback everyone's given me on this topic of child rearing, especially as it relates to anger.

To Alive to God, I agree with you that the Bible teaches that anger is not a sin because we are told to 'be angry and sin not'. I also receive what you and others are saying that we need to be very cautious about anger and make sure that it is truly 'righteous anger' and not selfish anger. This is something I wrestle with, knowing the difference sometimes. Definitely there are times when I have heard the Spirit's voice that I have clearly crossed the line in this area. I have had to apologize to my kids for not representing Christ to them as I should, in this area and in some other areas.

To MaryJane, thank you for sharing about your experience in raising your children. I too have seen the blessedness of a softened heart in a child after they've been disciplined. It is a wonderful thing to see. With some children, including with one of my siblings, unfortunately I have seen them treated with tenderness in the discipline process and they have still chosen to rebel, despite the love and the tears of their parent. This is heart breaking to see, and yet we are admonished to 'spare the rod and spoil the child' and I am convinced that because this is what God has commanded us to do, then it is what's right and what has the potential to produce great things spiritually in the heart of a child who chooses to respond in the right way. There are a few things I wrestle with lately in the area of spanking. The first is what age is too old to spank ? The second is, is spanking always the best approach to take for all children ? ( I believe it is a Biblical one for sure). I'm just thinking about my youngest son who has been spanked almost daily, but is now beginning to respond to having some privileges withheld. Also, in general I am interested in knowing what types of discipline others are using, in addition to spanking ? Again, please know that I believe that spanking is supported by Scripture and am just interested in learning about some other ways in which Christian parents are using discipline to train up their children.

LeoGrace, I hear what you are saying about parental anger being a positive thing when it is the proper type of anger. I think back to my own childhood and my parents both displayed anger but they displayed two very different types of anger. First my dad, an unbeliever, was prone to fits of rage and was constantly being upset about things and many times we were not sure about what it was that was making him upset. All of us have prayed much for his soul and it has grieved us to see that he has resisted God's Spirit, drawing him to Christ. Then, my mom who is a Christian and a Godly woman demonstrated a very Christ like response to my dad over the years, despite his constant tirades. Where I saw my mom demonstrating anger was when we were rude to her. At these times, I saw her become very intense, although not out of control. Her eyes would reflect the intensity of her conviction that we needed to rid of ourselves of these attitudes because we were not honoring her and were not honoring God, in them.

So I think part of the reason I wrote this original post, is that sometimes I am honestly not sure whether the anger I am showing to my kids when they are disobedient, is my dad's kind of anger or my mom's kind of anger. I know that as a Christian, I am by no means just a product of my 2 parents, but am a new creation in Christ. But sometimes you do feel their influences upon your life, for good or for bad.

I would appreciate your prayers for me in this area of anger. My self life definitely needs to be put to death in this area and I need to 'put on the Lord Jesus Christ'. One verse that speaks to how much anger should be a part of our lives is the one that says, "Do not be easily angered".

Again I appreciate all the godly wisdom that has been shared by everyone :-) It's a blessing to be able to discuss matters of such importance to our own spiritual development and those of our loved ones- in this forum. I am interested in learning more about about your thoughts on some of the other issues I brought up relating to discipline.

With love in Christ,
John