Hello notmyown,
Dear, dear brother or sister, this is not the way forward.
Please do not receive this comment from me as condemnation against yourself. It very much is not. If anything, it is condemnation of the general attitude within charismatic and evangelical circles, which implies that anything that's wrong with you rests entirely on the sinful nature, and in your case, on [i]your[/i] sinful nature; adding that therefore, [u]all[/u] healing is in the Atonement, and by now you [i]should[/i] be okay.
Your 'dead feelings' are trying to get your attention. There will be a reason for them, and for this other thing which you said:
I believe, from my own experience of God's great patience and His generosity towards me, that there has been a great disservice done to many seekers-of-God who come to church with genuine needs, because of the gospel's true claim that a relationship with God through Christ, is the answer to every person's heart. But once inside the doors, the new (and old) believer finds there is an impenetrable corporate denial of those very real issues brought by seekers-of-God to the body of Christ.
Many busy Christians have no time or patience for these. Rightly, they believe in miracles, but if God wants to take longer, they don't see it as an opportunity to learn from Him of His intricate knowledge of how a human being is constructed, and how best to support someone who requires inner reconstruction; rather, they find labels for the person's situation, which merely perpetuate the circumstance of the believer not being able to find within the church fellowship, a place to interact honestly with God over however many years it takes for God to lead them out of their distress. In a way, this leads to the person-in-need recommitting their life to God time and time again, without ever receiving permission within the local body, to simply 'be' who they are, confident (and being helpfully reassured by brethren) in the belief that God has a plan which He fully intends to bring to pass in their life.
Without the general consensus of the local body in favour of a [i]long haul[/i] restoration of a soul, the soul in need of restoration continues to hope for that one big zap from God which will fix everything. That's what I hoped for, for twenty years. During that time, God did what He could. He changed me in many ways, and a learned a great deal about how to pray. But in the end, the 'dying to self' which had not worked, was one of the biggest signs to me that God Himself did not recognise that dogma as the solution to my needs.
As a result, I stepped back from the theology with which I had become familiar, and dug into scripture for Christ's own behaviour towards people who were unable to fix themselves within the theology of their day. Two things stood out to me. The first was that He did not put conditions on offering healing to people. He did not even expect them all to remain as disciples, even if they hung around for a while after that. Secondly, by the time He was saying 'take up your cross daily', He was speaking to people who had had their demons cast out, and, had been fully healed. Some of them - even without the Holy Spirit within them - had been told to 'sin no more'. Amen.
It took a while before I realised that Christ had said 'I am the Resurrection and the Life', [i]before[/i] He died. Nevertheless, when preparing to die, He had asked His Father how things would work when He died (John 10:18), and Paul tells us in Eph 1:19, 20, that He was raised to life by the Father. His power to heal before He became the Atonement, was therefore, His Life, and that He is the Truth, and, the Way. He is the [i]living[/i] God.
Therefore, your 'dead feelings' are of great interest to Him, and I am totally certain there is an honest reason for them, which God will be willing to help you understand, if you take them as seriously as He does.
I have, through my journey, come to realise that when God made man in His own image, the physical creation which we are, tells us a great deal we need to know about how God Himself 'is' (and therefore, intended us to be). In other words, there are parts of 'you' which actually do not need to be 'put to death', but rather, which need to be raised back to life by His resurrection power. These can be physical, related to the inner man (soul - Eph 3:16), or the spirit: Prov 18:14. Only God can heal the spirit of man, restore His soul (Psa 23:3), and straighten out his body back into line with health.
Eventually, I began to understand that, having been baptised into His death (That is, grafted, like an old branch onto new root stock - Rom 6:5), I had to lay hold of the spiritual truth of what that means, which is best defined in Heb 10:14. From that place of safety 'in' God, I could begin to bring to Him the parts of my life I could not reach by thinking about them, or applying my will to either trying to be different, or, to ignoring them.
I commend you to God, and exhort you not to be afraid. The word of life is able to restore you, but it will come directly from Him, as you spend time in His presence. God [i]intends[/i] to restore His image in man - in men - in believers. He is not [i]only[/i] all about service or giving, as we see in Acts 3:5, 6.
Furthermore, I have found no end of people in churches who are hurting, who are being advised by people who have never even stood in their shoes, let alone tried to walk in them; sometimes there are outward similarities in circumstances, but the person who thinks they are okay, got by on their own resources. They didn't ever open themselves up to God for His dealings. These are people in pulpits, as well as some who lead smaller ministries within a local church situation. Everyone is looking for performance, but God is looking on the real inner man; I suspect He [i]has[/i] given you His Spirit, and like Samuel, you are not sure who He is speaking to; but actually, He is speaking to [i]you[/i], and pointing you in the right direction for making real spiritual progress.
Don't give up on either God, or your ability to make sense of this situation. There [i]will[/i] be an explanation and it will, necessarily, be rooted in absolute Truth.
God bless you.
