I went through something similar about a month ago, and God has been working with me. He let something terrible happen so that I would have no choice but to look upn and consider him. I thought that I had sinned away my day of grace, but God has been teaching me something very vital; that Christian living is truly by faith alone.
I think you may have fallen into the trap of believing that your repentance saves you. If this is it, then you may cry out for some time believing that you need to maintain your salvation through your repentancew but it's not your repentance that makes you acceptable to God. And this may be the reason you feel so weighed down with condemnation.
Ephesians 2:8-10 - "For you have been saved by grace through faith; and this is not of yourselves. It is the gift of God, and not of works, so that no man may boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to walk in the good works He prepared beforehand."
I had heard someone say that you are not saved if you are not baptized. It caused me some stress, though I had to take the issue to prayer (I have been baptized, btw). Does baptism save? I thought back to Peter's words in response to the crowd when they asked, "What must we do to be saved?":
"Repent, and be baptized every one of you for the remission of sins, and receieve the Holy Spirit."
But let's ask another question: Do any of these works save? Does repentance, baptism, or the filling of the Spirit save?
No, they don't. Not even the repentance. Otherwise you would have something to boast about. I think that Peter was giving the people instructions on how to act upon the change that has been wrought in their hearts. If I have to say repentance saves, then I would also have to say that baptism saves, and that being filled with the Holy Spirit also saves. But if this is the case, then our salvation does not come from God alone, because we would have something to do with it. But we should not have any reason whatsoever to boast or in any way credit to ourselves the things which God has done.
The conclusion I come up with then is that these things are really only evidence of the fact that the person has already been saved, that God has already regenerated them and worked on their hearts towards repentance. And John 6:44 states that no man can come to Christ unless the Father draws Him, and He will raise them on the last day. That is, baptism and repentance are the FRUIT of regeneration, and not the cause of them.
Here's the experience that I had gone through. I was baptized four years ago, and I know looking back that I loved God and wanted Him and believed (I don't believe I did it to be saved, but because it was commanded). I was wondering that if because the Christianity I know now in some ways is a little more radical than what I first realized it back then, if I wasn't truly saved at the time. I wondered if I needed to get rebaptized, because I made sure that I was living a repentant lifestyle, but then the question of rebaptism came up. Was the first one good? I very much sensed in my spirit that God had accepted that first one, and that I was saved at the time, but out of fear I wanted to do it again.
It was during this time that God was teaching me about salvation through faith alone. I only wanted to get rebaptized because I was scared, but that's not faith at all. And Galatians states, "You who began in the Spirit, are you going to try and finish in the flesh?" Also in Galatians 5:6, "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." He says a few verses earlier that those trying to be justified by the works of the law are under obligation to keep the entire law. However, the law is for the unrighteous, and not the righteous, for we have the law of the Spirit; and for us, the entire law has been perfectly fulfilled by Christ in His life, death and resurrection.
I think you're trying to be saved by your repentance. But your repentance doesn't save you. Your repentance is an outward work as much as baptism. Esau sought the blessing with tears but could not change the will of God or his father Isaac by them. This was the "repentance" of a godless man.
Remember, Abraham was justified by faith long before he was ever circumcised, or before he went to sacrifice his son. We always ask, "But what about the works and obedience?" To rely on any outward act of obedience is a false gospel, and I'd just as soon try to get to the moon by a rope of sand than try and be justified by works. I dare not add to the grace that God has already paid for, I dare not. I'm reverentially fearful of even get baptized with any idea that I'm saved by it. Works have only ever been the fruit from the tree that is rooted by faith.
How should you take those warnings then? Just as that; warnings. God took me through a severe trial with Hebrews 6, 10 and 12 just so that I would be receptive to what I'm telling you now. God also led me to a good sermon called "Remember Lot's Wife" by JC Ryle, and I sensed that God wasn't trying to pound me with condemnation, but wanted me to keep that message in mind for something in the future (I don't know what for). It was gentle, as though He said, "I don't want you to worry, but you will need to remember this." It may be the case with you. It's good to test yourself and to make sure that you are in the faith, but we should not be afraid of the fact that we might actually be in the faith.
Maybe now I know why God gave me that message, that I not act as Lot's wife and look back at what I am leaving behind, or liket the disciples in John 6 who left Christ for good because of His message; that is, any sense of self-salvation.
Read Hebrews 11. It's all characters in the Old Testament and living under the old law, but notice in verse 13 it says, "These all died in FAITH."
Don't trust in your sincerity. Don't trust in your tears. Abraham only ever circumcised and offered his son because he already believed. The just will live by faith. Believe that He hears you, because those who seek will never be disappointed. That's a promise.
I hope this helps you, and I will pray for you.
