This is John again, i just wanted to update you about my problem. I have sought the scriptures more and have tried to forsake the world etc. I still read the scriptures with so many doubts and problems and conflicts in my mind with the gospels, it is really making me go crazy why does their have to be small differences in them it would make it so easier if their wasn't. I know satan is doing this to me, i have sought the Lord for deliverance and have kept reading but i still here these voices and it has reached down in my heart at times where i start to really disbelieve. I can never take away what Christ did when he healed me 6 years ago and changed my heart for a time. But the scriptures our true sexual sin can harden your heart severely and even blind you from the truth. I hate being like this, i also recently this week have been fighting with the doubting of Gods existence, it was like i was blinded to see the truth. It really is taking a toll on me, i just want o believe without doubt and be saved for sure having assurance. I am sick of the hardened heart and the disbelieve. I fear that i might have been a bad seed on the rocky soil or the one choked by the thorns i am pretty sure i am. I have never said i wanted nothing to do with Christ or anything, i have never gave up on him, i just have slowly started to disbelieve and grown a hardened heart , is it because the holy spirit is slowly leaving me i don't know but i can do nothing but seek him. It is all i want and hate my life otherwise. I really don't understand how i can seek God and grow harder and pray like a mad man and cry and ask so many people to pray and still grow harder and fall away, maybe i was never saved and satan is doing this to destroy me but God maybe will have mercy and save me before satan completley destroys me and i fall away forever, i don't know but i hope. You know i was reading those 3 scary verses in hebrews in ch. 3 and ch. 6 and ch. 10 and wa just reading in hebrews in general and i truly believe Paul wrote hebrews but he quotes some of the old testament verses in ezekiel 36 about the new heart and mind, and God making a covenat that won't fall and him putting the fear of God in us so that we won't leave. You know what Paul is saying by putting a believer with that scripture, it is saying that you if you truly have been saved can't lose your salvation, i say that because those old testament verses in ezekiel and jeremiah clearly state we won't leave the Lord. But no doctrinal arguments here. Please keep in prayer that the Lord humbles me and convicts and reveals my sinfulness to me and that i truly become born again. I really appreciate the prayers. God bless you john.
