Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go. Proverbs 24:24.
Ok, so what if you're married to one? How do we help a man with his anger? What if he gets furious with life's circumstances and mad at God?
How long have you been married? Do all you know how to do to sooth his mind. David played the harp to soothe Saul when the evil spirit was upon him. Just beware of the spear lest it come flying your way. (just trying to make light)
Years ago, we had to put our 'all time favorite' dog to sleep. My husband became very angry with God and refused to pray together with me over our meals - or at any other time. It was a grievous time for me and without God's Holy Word promising me He would 'never leave me, nor forsake me,' I could not have gotten through it. I prayed constantly. I felt as if I was living with a stranger there was such a wall between us and I was grieving for the loss of my sweet dog, too. I pulled a lot of weeds in that time period. Pulling weeds is therapeutic for me and gives much time for prayer and reflection. I do not know how long his not speaking with God lasted. I do not think it was over 6 months but when it ended it was as if a drought had been broken.
Thank God we had many years of practice at sharing everything that was in our hearts and minds with each other. We have always spoken to each other as if speaking with ourselves - no secrets nothing held back, open. We made it a practice to affirm our love and support for each other on a daily basis, too. If you do not have this foundation perhaps it would be a starting place? Pray for God's guidance for you and for your husband. I will pray for you, too. With God you can weather this storm.
Kind regards,
white stone
We've been married 23 years! I guess I don't know how to sooth his mind after all. I thought I did. I thought I knew all the answers to a happy, Christian marriage. The wife should....let's see.....never criticize, always love, encourage, support, and give hope for a better tomorrow, tell them how wonderful they are, be in joyful submission.... I can't say I've prefectly accomplished all of this, but it has been my goal.
He tells me that nothing is my fault and that I am the best wife he could hope for and he tells me he is so sorry when he is not in one of his moods. It's just that the moods are getting more and more frequent.
We no longer have that close, sharing kind of relationship. I think we used to, but somehow through the years it has developed into more of a master/servant relationship. I spend all day, every day just trying to manipulate circumstances to make him happy. Sounds kind of sick, doesn't it?
Thank you for your prayers, White Stone. I'm not looking for sympathy, just if there is sin on my part and what the LORD would have me to do. I know He has the answers and will work all of this for His glory and our good. Difficult circumstances cause us to cling tightly to the HIM and experience His comfort as HE IS MY EVERYTHING!
Dear psalm91,
Seeing that you have been married for over 20 years it is very possible there is a physical side to this problem. Is your husband in physical pain? Also, can you encourage him to get a physical, unreasonable anger is also a result of out of control blood glucose (diabetes). My husband was diagnosed in Nov of 2009. Now that we have managed to get his blood glucose under control we are able to look back to many instances of rage that were pointing to blood sugar problems. His brother had diabetes and used to have a very explosive personality. You never knew what would set him off. My husband had times of the same thing. Also, he has nerve damage that causes extreme pain and this can make him be very short and snappy, although he is not even aware of being like that.
I sympathize with you and understand how you feel. Catch him on a good day and talk, long and hard. Entreat him to get a check-up for both of your sakes. Prayers will continue. Please, keep me posted.
White Stone
Thanks, White Stone. I do think there may be a physical element to it. He's been in constant pain for many years because of a crushed disk in his back. I've often wondered how in the world he manages to go to work everyday in pain like that. He's been so faithful to provide for us through it all. I think we should check his blood glucose also, though, as a possible cause for his explosiveness at times.
Thanks again for your input. I appreciate it and your prayers very much! :)
psalm91,
Mind if I ask a few questions?
When did this anger problem begin? Is it of recent orgin or did he always have this problem?
ginnyrose
I don't mind at all, Ginnyrose, and thank you for asking.
I guess he's always had the problem, it's just gotten progressively worse through the years. I remember the first time I witnessed his outrage, he was screaming at God because he had a problem with his vehicle. He said something like, "Why do you always do this to me?" (I wasn't saved then.)
Funny thing is, although he was dating an unbeliever (me), it was his idea that we start going to church together. We did, I was saved soon after that and we were married a few months later.
He loves change, and has moved us 4 times in the last 6 years, every time it's "going to be great", but discontentment eventually sets in and he has to go off in a different direction. It's always "if we just move here, or do this..." he'll be happy, but it never works for too long.
Men!! what do you think this lady should do?
ginnyrose
Indeed, it could be very helpful to have a brother's viewpoint; I would welcome that.
Other than exploring the possibility of a physical cause, maybe there is nothing new for me to do. I've often thought that if my husband can't find his contentment in the LORD, how in the world can I help? In other words, if God Himself, as wonderful, gracious, generous, loving and perfect as He is, can't make a man happy, how can I expect to?
I once heard a preacher say "When you don't know what to do, just keep on doing what you know to do." In this case, I'll keep on fasting and praying, submitting to my husband's authority, loving, encouraging, forgiving, repenting of sins that the Holy Spirit reveals to me, surrendering to God's will and finding my hope, joy and strength in Him alone for now.
With so wonderful a Savior, what could I possibly lack?
Hum, I think maybe I need to check into that glucose thing as well diabeties runs in the family and there are days when I am just really irratable for no reason and my poor wife gets the brunt of that side.
I don't intend to question or make a judgment on your husband I must ask if he is a Christian though?
We read in Galatians 5:19-20 "19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions"
Please note the Fits of Rage, if we are walking according to the Spirit we won't have fits of Rage or at least we will dislike them and through Christ Jesus overcome them. The moving thing is kind of odd to me it seems he is looking for something but doesn't find it, I use to be discontent with everything looking for something better and expecting something better everytime I made a change, But only found discontentment, I even moved on to religion and became discontent with that. Then I found Jesus Christ and having a relationship with Him, now I am quite content with most things.
1 Timothy 6:6 "6But godliness with contentment is great gain."
Apart from continuing to pray and fast, I would have a nice long talk with him about his behaviour towards you and your feelings about it, I found that when I get in a bad mood it generally just takes my wife telling me about my poor behaviour to think about it and correct it. I also find that most people aren't heartless and cold towards their spouse and want to be and do better for theirs and their spouses sake.
Just Speak the Truth in Love, He may get really angry but I believe everything the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly are all things that are used to conform us to the image of Christ, So this may sound weird but in times of angry from him Thank God for the oportunity to develope into the image of Christ by gaining something such as patience, endurance, or steadfastness. I will be praying for you as well.
God Bless,
Matthew
Matthew,
Thanks for your input. I don't feel you are judging my husband at all by asking about his salvation. That's one thing I have been thinking of lately as well.
My pastor once asked, "If you were put on trial for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?" I love that! Here would be some of the evidence to present for my husband's "prosecution":
Church attendance 2ce on Sunday, & Wednesday evening, soul winning every Sat morning, Sunday school teacher, reads the Bible & prays every night with children since they were old enough, reads Bible himself each morning, leads family in prayer each morning before leaving for work, consistently tells others about Christ throughout his work day. Obviously, those could all be argued as works-based.
Now to the contrary: Most of his testimony is about things he knows, as opposed to what he has experienced. It's all about what he does, not what he is. He has no victory over many sins, such as chewing tobacco, cursing, rage, etc., although he did quit drinking, drugs and smoking, which I'm sure he would attribute to the LORD. Other than that, we never talk about conviction or what the LORD has shown us or how He has changed us. He doesn't seem to understand the Christ has done everything for us. He doesn't seem to depend on the LORD, or find joy or satisfaction in Him. He seems to try to find that in change (such as moving), or in circumstances in general.
I don't know....can you be "saved" and just not "surrendered"? I know he's definitely not surrendered.
Thanks again for your input and prayers. This site is such a blessing and encouragement to me!
Wow your husband sounds like I was, which takes this to the next step :) Jesus tells a parable of a farmer that sowed some wheat, and while he slept his enemy sowed weeds among this feild, a weed called Darnel, Darnel is a plant that looks, acts, and appears to be wheat but after close examination you can quickly find this plant bears no fruit. When we walk according to the Spirit according to Galatians 5 again "22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
You describing the work that he does reminds me of me in many ways and unfortunately I would have to describe myself as a Pharisee, The Pharisee looked good on the outside as far a religion goes, zealous for the word, prayer, the Law, converting people but kind of as you described had no actual experience with diety. I knew a lot but didn't KNOW a thing.
Since your husband is zealous for religionous things then maybe he would sit down an listen to brother Paul Washer and the message Examine Yourself its what brought me to be Awakened me wicked heart and my true need for Jesus.
I will download that message and share it with him. Your testimony has been a blessing to me; thank you so much and God bless you! Most of all, thanks for your prayers! :)
If he does listen to the sermon great! Also I don't know if your husband likes to read but the book Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan was a great aid to maturing me and teaching me what a Christian walk looks like, I picked up the modern english version for about $14.00 on Amazon published by Pure Gold Classics it has a bible study within the book as well. You might consider buying the book for yourself to read I highly recommend it if you like reading in Old english that is what the original is in and what I first read. If you get the Pure Gold classics version you could do the Bible study as a family or as a couple that is what I plan on doing anyways :)
Matthew,
How did you come to the realization that you had a problem?
The situation psalm91 described fits perfectly one I am familiar with except that it is a female. People have given up on her - some will go so far to say she is too old to change, that old people do not change.
This woman made life miserable for others. You did everything you could to not evoke their anger...you were walking on egg shells all the time...
It has also been my observation that when people go into a rage it is as though they are having a fit of insanity. If they are reminded of it afterwards they will deny it happening. Or, if the do remember will attribute this rage to the victim. Lying is the flip side of rage - seen it every time.
What say, Matthew?
Blessings,
ginnyrose
I came to the realization after I listened to Paul Washer, he talked of a gospel that was foreign to me and about a truth I knew of but didn't know personally. I believe that I started really to change after I started to realize that Sin was a vile poison to not only me but also my family yet became very distressed with the fact that I had no victory over sin.
I think that in time and through grace God can reveal to people their sins not only through His Word but also by the intercession, the example, and the witness of a Christian such as psalm91.
As far as awakening goes from what I have experienced only Christ Jesus can awaken a heart to their sin and lostness for only he is the quickening Spirit. The danger of the Spirit of the Pharisees is the sense of righteousness and right living while ignoring the inward sin such as fits of rage, infact many will try and justify their sin through the word of God instead of letting the Word of God expose them.
This situation doesn't seem to have a quick fix approach or solution which isn't all bad, though we hope for speedy repentance, Psalm91 has a great opportunity to be greater conformed to the image of Christ Jesus. Jesus definitely has His own plan for this situation and His plan is much higher than ours, for Psalm91 I would definitely keep praying, pray in the given example of the Widow demanding justice, everyday until the Judge succombed and gave Justice. The adversery has greatly decieved many and it is our job as Christians to cry for Justice on a spiritual level for not only our loved ones but or enemies. Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, and rulers of the darkness.
Ginnyrose - with regards this woman please can I recommend a book which is called, just as you describe! - 'stop walking on eggshells' it is of a condition called 'borderline personality disorder'
I was recommended it by my cousin, who is head of nursing for Queensland, as I suffer simular things with my sister.
It is an eye-opener and was such a weight off my shoulders as it gave me something that had a name and was solid that I could fight against.
After reflecting on these posts the last day or so and meditating on all of it before the LORD, it all makes such perfect sense to me now! I have an awesome peace in Him that makes it all well with my soul.
If my husband's true salvation is what is needed (and increasingly I am believing that to be the case), then it is something that only the LORD can do. Praise the LORD, there is no burden on me as I cannot save anyone! I also cannot blame my husband for anything because non-Christians can't be expected to live a Christ-filled life!
Just a few days ago, I felt such despair and confusion! I'm ashamed to admit I struggled with resentment at tiems for my husband's treatment of me and putting me through so many moves and hardships in order to try to satisfy his discontentment.
Yet, from these new realizations, I can't begrudge him, be disappointed in his actions or be angry with him. I must represent Christ with a loving, joyful, surrendered, peaceful spirit that would cause my husband to desire a real relationship with Christ.
Wow! What a difference. Praise God. I would appreciate your continued prayers! :)
I find your testimony inspiring, Matthew.
You used a word I find intriguing: justice. Going to have to think about it more and see where it will lead me. Sounds interesting and hopeful at the same time.
Matthew, I have one more idea to float by you. Matthew 18:15-17 teaches how one should confront an erring brother or sister. In my experience and observation this scripture does not work in dealing with this particular issue. The only way I could see it work at all is that when you confront you take someone else along. Do not do it alone. The reason I say it does not work is because this person will fly into a rage and then when you come back will convince the other it was you or will act so pious to render your concern unbelievable. These people are so deceptively charming. (After a while one becomes skeptical of excessive charm.)They will only inflict their rage against family members. To others they are very critical of what they did or didn't do. The reality is that others will sense something wrong but are unable to lay a finger on what it really is. Make sense?
There is one thing I would have to say to psalm91 and that is to not become like your husband. You may start reacting to life in the same manner as he does. Or, you may start reacting in manners that are rooted in the flesh. It may not be as severe, but the temptation to react in the flesh is too strong for you to handle alone.
Ceri, I will check out that book you recommended. Thanks for giving me the recommendation.
Blessings to one and all,
ginnyrose
Advice taken, Ginnyrose. As I stated, I am not blameless and I've struggled with this. By His grace, I will respond in the the Spirit and not the flesh.
I would also like to say publicly, that I am sorry that if it seemed I was judging or criticizing my husband or if my attitude seemed wrong. I really wanted godly counsel for a situation that I felt had become almost unbearable. I used this forum rather than speak to people that know him which I felt would be dishonoring to him. These are things I wouldn't share with my pastor, for instance, because he is very close to my husband. In addition, he would never see this because he doesn't even know how to turn on the computer much less have the ability to find this website or these posts.
This discussion is locked.
