My question would be do you have other brothers that you are in close community with? That is other than the sermonindex. The word says that:
Ecc 4:12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
We need community. We need the support of the brethern, and we need it more than just online.
If you are not finding that at your church, you are in fellowship aren't you? if not, you need to be, find another church where you can live shoulder to shoulder with family members in the Lord.
Next you need to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ:
2Cr 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
It sounds like you are focussed on your sins and faults. We become like what we behold. If we focus on Him, we become like Him, if on ourselves and our sins we place ourselves in a vicious whirlpool of despair.
Phl 4:8 ¶ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
Isa 26:3 Thou wilt keep [him] in perfect peace, [whose] mind [is] stayed [on thee]: because he trusteth in thee.
Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. But how do we hear? Do we come to the word to just say we did, or do we take it to heart, to let it change us? Are we looking for it to transform us into His image? Or are we just doing it because we are supposed to. There is no life in the latter.
I would say you are in Romans 6,7&8 right now. You are seeing your sinfulness and it is hell to you. But the provision is there=
Romans 6:11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 6:13 Neither yield ye your members [as] instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members [as] instruments of righteousness unto God.
We have all beat ourselves up because of sin. But the fact that you are bothered by your sin tells me that you are His, and that you are saved, otherwise you wouldn't care.
I know I am only going by the little bit you have shared here, but my heart tells me you are focussed on the wrong thing, your sin. You need to focus on the answer to your sin, Jesus. Praise Him, worship Him, declare yourself dead unto sin, and walk in newness of life.
Have you been baptised in water? This is an important step for burying the old man.
Rom 6:3 Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?
6:4 Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life
6:5 For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also [in the likeness] of [his] resurrection:
Rom 6:6 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with [him], that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.
6:7 For he that is dead is freed from sin.
Water baptism is very important to put off the old man.
My biggest admonition would be to find other brothers, very solid in the Lord, and allow them to mentor you. If you are willing to allow them to speak into your life you will find much help and encouragement. If you are in a dusty old church where nobody cares about anybody, get out and find a love filled, bible solid church, and get the fellowship you need. If you are spending long hours on the computer and expecting SI to be the fellowship you need, it will not be. You need other believers with flesh on to impart their life to you, and you to them.
Lastly every time the devil whispers one of those lies to you, as Jesus did, declare the word over him. Speak outloud that you will not recieve his lies. Declare that sin will not have dominion over you and that you have the mind of Christ.
1Cr 2:16 For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ.
Phl 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of [his] good pleasure.
Phl 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:
Every time you feel the urge to condemn yourself quote these words over yourself. The devil is a liar and is trying to stumble you.
If you are indulging in sin of any kind, allowing filth into your eyes through the internet, TV, music, you give the enemy an open door. Stop it immediately. You can use your frustration with faith and believing as an excuse to return to former things and that will send you spiraling even more down into the enemy's clutches. It will bring death. If anything causes you to stumble get rid of it, movies, etc. Throw them out. Saturate yourself with the truth. Replace negative thought with word. Refuse to give place to them. You want a movie that will lift your spirit, watch "Amazing Grace". It is about William Wilberforce. I watch it regularly because it lifts my spirit in worship.
I will pray for you, that you find some true brothers to share your burdens. Peace and joy to you in the Holy Ghost.
