Bad situation, on behalf of someone in need

Hey all,

I have a very difficult situation, and I'm coming on behalf of someone who really has no one else to go to. I know this is a matter better suited to bring to members within a local church, but he does not have good connections with the people in the church he goes to (he is also considering leaving because of doctrinal concerns). I can't give advice because I'm inexperienced, but I suggested getting advice here because it is the body of Christ, and I know that the members here are not lukewarm and will be concerned with doing right, so he asked me to do this.

This person I know, his wife has been cheating on him for several months now. She had been spending an enormous amount of time on the internet, and we could never figure out why. It started becoming a serious issue, then one day we found that she had a separate Facebook account he nor anyone else knew about. We found crude comments, nasty pictures, and other things blatantly un-Christian. It was very surprising. She never showed this side before in front of anyone else.

When she was caught she was repentant, but continuously lied anyways, excusing one exposed lie with another. She deleted her FB accounts, but quite begrudgingly.

We thought that things would change and be different, because she was on Facebook less (though she re-opened her old account, this time with stricter privacy settings), but yesterday she told us she was going bike-riding, and she had been gone for the whole day. Her husband tried calling her, and the things she told him were suspicious. After a little testing of her words, he found her to be lying.

He got on Facebook and began doing some investigation. He checked her cell phone records. She had spent around 1500 minutes just last month talking to a guy out in another city. This had been going on for months. Even this morning, when she said she was calling to tell him not to call her anymore, she spent an hour on the phone. She confessed that they had slept together, and more than once. He lives on the other side of the state. This had been going on for months.

When she got home last night, her husband questioned her about it. She told one lie after another, even after being exposed. And even during her confessions, she continued to tell lies. When he attempted to find out the guy's name, where he lived, etc., she started making phone calls to alert him. We thought after the first exposure that she would be changed, but she's gone right back to her vomit.

He's not sure what to do now. He's devastated and in terrible pain over this. He's been talking with me because he has just no one else to go to.

It's causing him to aske the question, after 20-something years, is it time to divorce or separata? Does he just stick it out longer and hope that something changes? He's trying to figure out a Biblical answer, though he cannot trust a word that she says.

Thank you everyone. He'll be reading what you write.

God commands that husbands are to love their wives.

While this man's wife is clearly in sin, all of this hunting her down and digging about is only serving to chase her away as a predator to his prey.

And there is the answer - pray, pray, pray! If this man follows God's command to love his wife, for better or worse as he vowed to do, it leaves the door open for God to do the work. If he takes matters into his own hands, he closes the door.

I should clarify it wasn't his practice to investigate what she does with her time. Even after the first incident when he caught her (we stumbled on that first incident purely by accident), he gave all his trust to her again and forgave it and let it go. Up until just last night, he had let everything go as if nothing had happened, until he called her last night and she began covering her tracks again (she told him something that he knew not to be true). That's when he became curious as to the truth, and she began trying to cover up, and the confession to adultery broke last night.

What happened last time, and this is what makes it hard, is that when she was caught, she essentially did the same thing. She told us that she would delete her second FB account, but all she did was put on tighter privacy settings. After she closed it, she persuaded us to let it be re-opened, though we couldn't see what she was doing. He banned a particular FB game that she had been using to connect with an assortment of ungodly people (including the man she hooked up with), but I remember watching her do it. No real sorrow over whom she had hurt and the damage she caused, no apologies to hurt family members, but just complaints of how much she had spent on the game and that she had to get rid of it all (she's re-established herself in the game since then, not too long after).

He does want his marriage to work out, and even though he's very angry right now, I know that he doesn't want to divorce or separate if it would be wrong. At the same time, he has no grounds for trusting her. Thus far all show of repentance has been superficial, and only served to get her through secretly. Today talking to him, I had never seen him so hurt.

My heart goes out to you in prayer..

May I share from my own life experience.

Three years ago my husband and I had a similar situation going on. There was unfaithfulness,lying, sneaking around, hatred, sin sin sin. It was something that didn't happen over night it was neglect of our marriage having seperate lives not being committed to each other. I do have to say that we had no relationship with God, we were living for self. What changed for my husband was that I moved out and was living with a friend and secretly meeting my boyfriend. I was seperated but moving towards a divorce, it devestated him, but he did not give up. What changed him was that he was losing me as his wife and he turned to God for help, it was the first time in his life that he did not have control, and I thank God.

My husband made one last effort to make things work for us he invited me on a weekend fishing trip to talk about things and I agreed to go. Little did I know he was going to share the word of God to me, he played a sermon by John MaCarthur "examine yourself", and it blew my mind, it was truly the work of God. The Holy Spirit was at work because I decided to move back home.

I was now living at home but I still was wrestling God about making a committment to Him. My husband was going to church alone and one night when he returned from a night service he came thru the doors filled with the Holy Spirit, I saw the manifestation thru his eyes like a bright light shining thru him and when I saw how real God was in his life, I knew this was what was missing in our marriage,wow, when I think about it it brings much emotion up. That night I made my committment to Christ and He repaired all our pain, we love each other more now than ever before, thank-you Jesus, it was not an easy road but being washed each day by His word and praying together has repaired all those wounds.

So by the power of God all things are possible, just keep your faith in Christ and show your love by your faithfulness to Christ and pray like never before, wash your wife with the word of God and it will effect her life.

God please repair this marriage in Christ Jesus name, Amen.

He does want his marriage to work out, and even though he's very angry right now, I know that he doesn't want to divorce or separate if it would be wrong. At the same time, he has no grounds for trusting her. Thus far all show of repentance has been superficial, and only served to get her through secretly. Today talking to him, I had never seen him so hurt.

Here are some signs of what the problem may be.

(1) His anger is a sign that he does not understand that his battle is not with his wife, but rather with Satan who is trying to gain her soul. Next Satan will be after his soul through bitterness.

(2) Should it not be that he does not want a divorce because he loves his wife, rather than just because it would be "wrong"? Are you sure he loves his wife?

(3) We are only to trust God.

(4) As far as his feelings being hurt, one would think that he would be more concerned that his wife is her way to hell.

Anastasis, I know you are only trying to help, but from the way you are talking, "WE stumbled on that first incident...," "She told US that she would delete her second FB account...," it sounds as if you and he have formed a team - against her. You are on very dangerous ground.

An update.

HeartSong, as I've been going through the situation, I think you are right. A breakthrough might have just occurred in the situation, one which if we all seek God, repent (that includes myself), and do what He wants, we will see a greater good than we can imagine.

I believe that God allowed particular circumstances to happen that forced these things out.

Oh praise the Lord! Holding you all in prayer.