after marriage

Do men change after marriage when it comes to having children? specifically if a man is "to busy" for spending time with children will he change and be more involved when they are his own children? If there is a lack of interest/involvement with their own relatives, nieces, nephews should this give one to pause and question what kind of husband/dad this man would be? Or does having their own child make them want to take part and help out, to be involved more? I guess what I want to know is will someone who is completely uninvolved with helping and caring for children be more willing and involved when the children are his own?

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences with this area?

rdg

From my experience the answer is yes. Having said that, I believe that some men do not naturally know how to be a good father and communication between the wife and husband will be important. By communication I do not mean nagging and complaining which generally has the opposite effect on men. I would look closely at how this man behaves in other areas. Humility, the ability to listen and respond, gentleness and compassion will go a long way in making him a good father. Hope this helps.

Amen Sola!

Rdg, in my humble opinion (and I would share this with my best friend as well), that the best thing you can do is continually thank the Lord for all the great things about him!!

Things like what drew you to him in the first place, what drew you to marry him, things he does do to ensure that you have a safe and happy home and life; and also pray for him to be the man of God that GOD WANTS HIM TO BE...

And then here's the hard part (especially when you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel), you choose to walk it out in quiet faith and assurance/trust that the ONE you pray to will give you the desires of your heart and that this will entail your man being a wonderful and active father!

God bless you in this journey!!

Lysa

Thank you for the responses. I am sorry I should have made my post more clear. I was not asking this for myself. Rather I know someone who is now wondering what she should do concerning her future with the man she is engaged with. He is a very nice person but he is not helpful, he comes across as if children are the woman sole responsibility. He doesn't mind having children but she said that she believes now that he will be of little help if they do get married and have children some day. He is very involved with his work and hobbies. I think she is right to be cautious because you can't go into a marriage thinking that you can change someone. I do think that it is reasonable though that once he has his own child that he might become more involved then he is helping out with nieces and nephews? I believe she has tried to talk with him about this. She said he always says that he will help but then gets distracted and she ends up doing all the caring for the little ones.

Just wondered what others thought on this. Oh and yes they are both Christians.

rdg

will someone who is completely uninvolved with helping and caring for children be more willing and involved when the children are his own

I cannot speak for males but can for a few females that I know and the way some females would answer is a resounding "YES!"

I am one of those.

How do I explain my lack of interest in babies? I was the oldest of four and responsible for them many times. And I got tired of it. They got into my stuff, ruined some of it... You, YOU take care of your own and please leave me alone!

But when I had a child - it was the cutest child around...or so I thought! And I ended up with five of 'em!

My husband was kind to children but not a great lover of babies or children, but being the good man he was, he helped and did a good job.

Considering what I wrote the question comes "why on earth did you then want children?" Because I knew how much fun we cousins had and they all began as infants. You also cannot discount the maternal instinct and the desire to reproduce.
Yes, imperfect people with natural instincts, with unrealistic ideals - a common combination that is sure to infuse this couple with a healthy dose of reality...

ginnyrose

Ginnyrose

you mentioned that your husband was not a great lover of babies or children but he helped and did a good job. My friend is concerned because she said that on several occasions when they are helping with his nieces and nephews he always says that he will help and then he always disappears and never fallows through. She said the last time they took care of the children(there are three of them) he left her to doing all the work, cooking dinner, cleaning up and watching the little ones. She said that they did end up fighting after the little ones went home because she feels she is seeing a pattern and he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He told her that his mom always managed to do things without his dad having to be there. We talked and she has asked for prayer about this.I feel bad for her cause I think she maybe doubting about their upcoming wedding and I hesitate to give her advice on this. I know they have gone through pre marriage sessions, she said that while they both want children it seems their views on who does what are really miles apart. I told her I thought that when he holds his own little baby in his arms he might have a different attitude but then I don't want to tell her to get married and have this be something that brings her pain later because he still behaves the same???

I guess I just wondered if any other husbands/dads went through similar emotions and experiences.

So thanks for sharing though. My friend does come from a big family, she has six siblings and loves children so this is a big deal to her.

rdg

Dear One,

People don't usually change after marriage for the better unless they are grounded in the Lord. But one must have peace that this is the person God wants me to marry for His glory, to serve Him together as one. If this is so and they have children he may be so overjoyed with his child he becomes a wonderful godly father. But as I said, it is important that the two are NOW praying and reading the Scriptures together and communicating of each others expectations. I pray God's will be done here and He be glorified.

rdg,

I can well imagine how this would be a big deal to your friend. I suggest she postpone the wedding until she gets this issue settled in her heart. This may be a red flag God is placing in her path to reconsider her upcoming marriage to this fellow.

I read your post to my husband and he suggests that if she goes ahead and marries this fellow she should plan on taking care of the children by herself. If she does not want to do this, cancel the wedding. Too many times God places these red flags but emotion causes people to ignore them, discount the seriousness of them. I applaud your friend for being concerned at this stage in their relationship.

My DH agreed that most single males are not baby lovers but do change after they have one. But this fellow was given the opportunity to be helpful but walked off...this is uncalled for, IMHO. Sounds a tad bit selfish and unloving, don't you think? How is he going to respond to his wife when she needs help in a different situation? Oh. My. The longer I think about it the more I tend to think that she should tell him 'good-bye'.

My opinion.
ginnyrose

Hi, Rdg,

Before I married my husband, I noticed that he always recognized children and enjoyed interacting with them. He liked it when I would baby-sit other people’s children and was patient with the temporary interruption of our time together. This encouraged me to believe he would be a good father, and I was right -- he is a wonderful father. However, he never helped much with the care of any children, as far as the “motherly” duties are concerned. Even with our own three children (now grown), he changed maybe two diapers total! I absolutely loved being the mother to small children so I never saw this as a problem. First of all, a woman should never try to change a man. Secondly, we’re older and much more traditional. My husband works and I stay home and home school the children. I never expected my husband to help me with any of my chores, even when it involved the children. After all, I didn’t help him by going out and do his plumbing calls for him (although I take the service calls, schedule appointments, do his books and taxes, etc.).

I believe that if a woman puts too much pressure on a man to be a certain kind of man or father, he can end up resenting her and/or the children and it can cause much more harm than good. My husband never felt pressure to “spend more time with the children, help with their schooling, etc”, so all of his interaction with them was positive, never motivated by pressure by me. This facilitated a freedom for him to always enjoy the children. He’s very affectionate with them, and he loves them very much.

Younger couples today do things much more differently. Many women expect the man to work full time to provide, then come home and share 50% of the mothering duties and housework. I suppose things would be different if both the husband and wife work full-time because if she is having to help him provide the income, but God gave the women the command to be the keeper of the home. Children don’t necessarily need a father that is willing to change their diaper; they need a father the loves them, loves the LORD, and sees it as his number one priority to raise them in the fear of the LORD. I agree with Ginnyrose’s husband that if this young lady marries the man, to accept him as he is and to expect him not to help much with the children. The red flag to me in this situation, though, is not the potential husband, it’s the young lady’s concern in how well he’s going to be able to serve her. Actually, we were made to be the help-meet, not the other way around. Sounds to me like when he disappeared, he was acting the way almost all men do when pressured to be a help-meet to the woman.

If this young man is godly, if he truly loves the LORD with all his heart and wants to serve Him, if he is soundly saved, and humble, she could be making a tremendous mistake should she decide to move on without him. Only the LORD knows how He is going to work in someone’s life, and these two are probably pretty young and probably both have many areas of improvement. If I had been scrutinized before my husband married me, no godly person in their right mind would have told my husband he was making a good choice! Thank you, Dear LORD, for the work you've done and are continuing to do in me! I’ve prayed for your friend, Rainydaygirl. May the LORD give her His perfect wisdom in determining every choice in her life, especially in marriage!

Honestly for this question I believe it depends on his up brining. I grew up with a dad who worked hard at his job came home and cooked a meal for the family or helped clean the house. This wasn't always like that though my mom was always expected to do all the house work and cook a meal before my dad got home eventually though my dad's heart was changed on this. He teaches equal responsibility now. I love doing dishes and cleaning and though its gross at times I change just as many diapers as my lovely wife does.

Now I have a friend that saw a different mother/father model the more traditional stay at home mom while dad goes to work type thing. Very strict organization and such. From what I saw/see in his relationship with his wife is he expects all the same things his mom did while she carries a job as well. To me that is just silly to expect the wife to do twice as much work, the female is to be treated as the weaker half but that doesn't mean females are inferior and are to be ruled over with power. For me its teamwork all the way, I love my kiddos and can't think of anything more fun than wrestling around with them.

So to get to the main question did I change? Yeah I absolutley did I became a responsible adult that had other living persons to take care of. What I did see though is an increase in strictness on my part I think pressure of supporting a family adds stress to both partners but my wife has helped wonderfully through communications to releive that also a strong faith in Christ Jesus.

I would suggest your friend look at the man's parents and upbringing and after doing this talking with him about what he feels the roles of a wife and husband in the home looks like to him.

Dear Rdg,
Let your friend beware of over-spiritualizing this marriage business. It's obviously very important to her that her husband be very hands-on where children are concerned. it's equally obvious that her beau doesn't think so.

I think she already knows the answer but may be afraid to face it.

It was vital [interpret: non-negotiable] to me that my husband be able to cook and be a child-lover. There are millions of godly young men who can't boil water to save their own lives. Nothing wrong with them, that's just who they are. There are also millions of godly young women who are perfectly content with such. Nothing wrong with that either. As long as both parties are CLEAR and AGREED on expectations.

I would back off from marrying this man. He's not likely to change and neither is she. This is a recipe for an unhappy Christian marriage. I can't tell you how many couples i know where someone ignored the red flags just to marry 'God's will' and now they're in a mess. Some have since divorced. I think it's unfair and manipulative to marry someone with the hopes of changing them.

It is written, 'can two walk together except they be agreed' Amos 3:3

The longer I think about this issue, the more complex it becomes - in my eyes.

Married life is not all about me and my pleasures. The quicker a couple realizes this the less conflicts there will be. It is all about serving each other.

The woman is by nature the weakest physically; the male is the stronger. God made us such and for good reasons. The female's strength lies in her ability to birth children. If she works too hard physically, it impairs this function.

One poster suggested this lady check out the home where this gentleman comes from and observe how his mom and dad related to each other. This will give a clue on how he will relate to his wife. This does not mean that he will be locked into certain behaviors but it will mean this was his training.

My mind goes to our daughter. She had a loving husband who helped her. She got to the place where she was paralyzed from the waist down...and he assisted her. Know what that included (edit)? Think. How is a body going to expel its wastes, the solids? He did it by hand. And he never complained. Great guy. Life sometimes brings very difficult situations and how do we react to it? Too many husbands will divorce when their wives are disabled by accident..SHAME on them! And double shame if the guy professes to be a Christian!

(BTW, when I saw how our SIL cared for his disabled wife in such a sacrificial, loving way, my attitude towards him remarrying after his wife died was to go for it! In fact, I helped him find a wife!)

My two cents..

ginnyrose

Married life is not all about me and my pleasures. The quicker a couple realizes this the less conflicts there will be. It is all about serving each other.

The above is the reason only mature believers should get married.

The above is the reason only mature believers should get married.

Most, if not all, think they are mature!

I understand what you are saying - you are right on...

Hey
Thanks for sharing what God has placed on your hearts. I do agree that its not wise to go into a marriage thinking I will be able to change this person and then everything will be great. Marriage is give and take partnership and the only way it will last is if both are seeking Jesus. I spoke with my friend for along time this afternoon and I think God is working some positive things out for the two of them. She spoke with some of the older sisters in her fellowship. After some council some of the older brothers in their fellowship sat down with her fiance and after much prayer and council they are delaying their wedding for 3 months and he is going to spend some time working in the nursery/day care at church a few extra hours a week on his own. This will give him a bit more understanding how much work little ones can really be. I see this as a really positive move for them.

I know that so many marriages end in divorce because so many Christians have the wrong view of what marriage and love really is...

rdg