Hello. My name is Felicia. I am 29 years young, African American, divorced mother of 4. I started going to a Pentecostal Church in the 5th grade which is where I first repeated the salvation prayer, was baptized, song in the choir, and was in church every time the doors opened. I was frustrated in it, however, because I felt as if something was wrong with me considering all of my peers would be filled with the holy ghost all the while I never felt a thing other than anger, and resentment towards God for making me feel as if I was not as good as everyone else since they would cry, scream, run, faint, and all the other stuff. I did believe in God none the less.
I graduated high school; moved away, and stopped going to church as often to not at all. I got caught up in the world even more with the sex, drinking, and a little partying. I got married at 20, and had my twins by 21. My ex-husband committed adultery a week after we were married which marked the beginning of my adulterous, promiscuous life. We had another child and tried to make our marriage work until it ended in July 2006. He packed his car with all of his belongings, left and has not looked back to this very date. He is now remarried with 3 other kids of his own, including 3 step children. I tried to find refuge in the arms of another man who is now the father of my youngest child who is now 3 years old.
His father and I were no more than just friends who were committing the sin of adultery due to me being separated, but not yet divorced. I knew that it was wrong and for the first time extremely convicted to the point that I cried out to God to deliver me from the lustful desires I had for him, but it didn't happen for me and we had a child. Obviously, I went through an extreme depression because neither of us wanted it. However, he was able to pick up and leave me to deal by myself with a mother who rebuked me every opportunity she got.
My mother and I relationship is something that I am praying to God to date to make clear to me. For, since I was in middle school, my mother and I relationship has been strained. I don't know how, nor why, but it caused me a lot of pain as a child to the point that I contemplated suicide, and it still pains me to date especially since she and my younger sister are nothing short of best friends who have gotten plastic surgery together, shop together, eat out, have sleep overs... etc. So, during my pregnancy I was (I thought) at my lowest with NO ONE to comfort me and be there for me in any way.
I had my son. He's healthy and 3 years old. His father and I had no contact until this past May 2010. When he left me alone in my pregnancy he moved to Houston where he reunited with a past girlfriend, whom he had 2 children with. Things didn't work out and he ended up moving back in with his parents 15 minutes from me. Because my son's father had such a stronghold on me, even though he put me through one of the hardest times I had experienced during the time of knowing him, I still had a love for him that would cause me to do almost anything for him. He knew this which is why when his parents kicked him out of their house in Sept 2010 he came to me.
I allowed him to stay in my home mainly because I thought that we were becoming the seemingly best friends that we were before the pregnancy. He led me to believe this with all of the fluffy talks about how when he gets himself together financially, and career wise that I was going to be right by his side. That quickly went away what seemed like overnight. He went from being an angel to something I can't even describe right now. Out of nowhere he started abusing me mentally, emotionally, physically (though he never hit me), and he became a threat to me spiritually.
My son's father went from telling me how he admires my strength due to being a single mother, my looks, and so forth, to telling me how I was beneath him, how I was ugly, my skin color was not appealing to him, my hair, my home, my car, my job, my entire life was a complete disgust to him. He made it a point to break down every aspect of my life and being so that I could know just how worthless and useless I was to myself, kids, and definitely a man. I had NEVER been made to feel so low in my life! This continued for some while and I just endured it for whatever reasons (I guess I thought that if I just showed how tough I was, he would stop).
All the while he was breaking me down, he was abusing my body by making me feel like some sort of sex slave that was no good for anything else other than that. In the midst of all of it, I was allowing him to pump me with drugs (marijuana) to be exact. Don't get me wrong. I was no victim because I allowed everything that he did to me to happen. He was in my home around my children doing these things and I allowed him. As I stated, he had an unnatural hold on me because in my right mind, I would NEVER had allowed someone to do and say the things to me that I allowed him to do and say.
As if all of that was not enough, he started introducing me to spiritual things, like cults, and societies like the Illuminati, masonry, and greek fraternity beliefs since he is in the greek fraternity Alpha phi Alpha. We would watch countless you-tube videos denouncing God, and Satan stating that they are fictitious characters created by the Illuminati. I was hearing about the Alpha belief system in a God named, Kemet and how everything originated out of Egypt. In the midst of all of this scary things were happening to me. I became so very fearful, and overwhelmed with all that I was seeing and hearing that I stopped functioning as a normal human being. Everything scared me. My turning point was a day when he had me listen to a lecture speaking against the validity of Jesus and Satan. I felt that whatever was going on had to stop right then and there.
I told myself that I know that God is real and it didn't matter how many more videos, or websites he showed me... MY GOD WAS REAL, and even though I was engulfed in a life of sin, I KNEW IT! I voiced this to him, and his demeanor towards me became even more nasty. He got even more vicious with his opinions of me until one Friday night, we were smoking on my patio and he started telling me about how when he gets the house, cars, money, and women, no one from his past including his parents could enjoy any of it. For whatever reason, as high as I was on the drugs, when he stated that I became so fearful that my heart started racing as if it was going to burst and all that I could tell myself is that if I didn't get out of my home, I would die.
I grabbed my keys, and cell phone and made up an excuse to leave and went to my car and called my ex-boyfriend in a panic to come and get me right away because I was extremely scared. He didn't hesitate to head my way. I was too impaired to get on the road so I stayed in my car and all I could think to do was call on the name of Jesus. I was high, didn't feel worthy to call on Him, and didn't really think that He was listening, but I did it anyway. As I waited on my ex, I got the nerve to go back into my apt, but as I started up the stairs and neared my door, I got hot all over, and froze as if I could not take another step. Suddenly, I heard something say that I couldn't trust my ex, and needed to call my sister, but before calling my sis, I needed to run as far away as possible and hide. Now, I was under the influence of a drug so I know that had a lot to do with it, so I called my sister, and because of the fright in my voice, she hurried my way.
As she neared to where I was at, all I could say to myself is "My salvation is near, my salvation is near" over and over. She picked me up, and I broke down and told her everything from the smoking, to the researching cult and secret society evilness. She took me to her home and started ministering to me along with her best friend because they had once been where I was. I had lost so much weight within a month. I couldn't eat AT all, I was barely sleeping, I would shake all the time especially while I was in my home and especially while I was with my son's father.
As a result of my sister and her best friend ministering to me and telling me how God loves me, and is pouring out His grace upon me and that I should be thanking Him for giving me another chance, I broke down with shame, sorrow, and at the same time gratefulness for God loving me enough to give me another chance to repent and get things right with Him. At that moment, I no longer had a taste for the drugs, alcohol, and sex. I left my sister's home with a new mindset, and a heart for God, and wanting to live a life dedicated to pleasing Him.
From that night to this very moment that I am typing to you, I have not smoked, had a drink even though on new years eve I got pressure from my own mother and father to indulge in alcohol with everyone else, nor committed any sexual acts.
I have had a desire to live and please God unlike any desire I have had in my life. I have had a hunger and thirst for His word, and to just live a life pleasing to him out of my thankfulness towards Him for loving me and saving me from my mess. It has not been easy since making the decision to love and live for God. Even though I am not struggling with the external sins, I battle daily internally to the point that I end up feeling physically drained, and sometimes, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained.
There are times that I don't even feel like getting on my knees to mutter a word due to just feeling beat up, but I press my way through anyway. I daily have to keep telling myself that "God didn't bring me this far to leave me now, and He'll never leave me, nor forsake me."
As of today, I am battling feelings of doubt and unbelief whereas at first, I was on fire. I become overwhelmed and discouraged at times feeling as though maybe I have deceived myself, and maybe God really was not in all of this, and this is yet another trick of the enemy. I have lost a lot due to my sin. I lost my home, and my children and I stay in a one bedroom at the Budget suites. I am not complaining because I am thankful for us having a roof over our heads even though it is not what were used to. I believe God's promises to me, which is why I am not allowing myself to sink into a pit of despair over my circumstances, but just like today, I had all kinds of doubt and unbelief rearing its ugly head in me.
I have been doubting my salvation, and that God is really with me, and has a bigger purpose for me despite all that I've been through and am going through. I have to believe that God has something better for me than the life that I have lived. I know that I am filthy in His sight, and I feel like the worse kind of sinner. I'm assuring myself in my belief by the fact that my knowledge of Him (though I don't know, nor will I know everything) has increased. I know things that I NEVER knew and in all of my years sitting under preaching don't think I've heard. I tell myself that I am not coming across books, such as those of K.P. Kohannan by accident, and websites, and the fact that songs have taken on a whole new meaning whereas I used to sing them just because not really paying attention to the words. Scripture is more personal to me and I actually desire to pray, although like I said previously, sometimes it is hard.
Can someone please assure me that I have not come this far for nothing? I had a couple of dreams about a month ago that I want to share and I will end this. I want to share them because they scared hell out of me!
#1 This particular dream was VERY perverse in nature. In short, I was sitting in a room witnessing all kinds of immoral, and impure sexual acts take place. There was a homosexual couple (which was something I got caught up in briefly in the last year or so of my life), there was a married couple performing acts, a girl who was being bossed around to do all kinds of impure things by a guy, and another couple. I woke up from this dream sweating and terrified not understanding why I would dream something like this when I am trying to live a life pleasing to God.
#2 In this dream, I was with a mixed group of people (white, black, asian), and we were traveling somewhere. We stopped for rest at a hotel, and as we were settling into the hotel, one by one I witnessed Satan trying to suck the souls out of everyone. As he was going from person to person he would say, "I see your ancestors, Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac in you" then he would proceed to try to pull their souls out. As he was trying to do so, even though he was attacking someone else, I felt the sucking or the pull of life from their bodies. The more people he went through the more pain I endured. It felt as if my throat was swelling shut as if I was being choked. When he finished going through everyone w/o succeeding at taking anyone's soul, one of the guys that was with us approached me and stated that it was my turn. He then proceeded to hand me a glass of water and a white pill urging me to take it so that when satan was done at trying to expel my soul I would be able to sleep. I then woke up. As I was waking it was if I could feel the strain on my throat lessening as if the pain I felt in my dream was taking place to my physical body. All I could do was call on the name of Jesus, and prayed a hedge of protection over me and my children and I then went back to sleep. I woke up feeling drained and went all through out the day just feeling wiped out and defeated which made it difficult for me to even want to pray.
#3 I dreamed that my son's father and I were standing before a rock climbing wall, and I went up the wall two times with ease along with my son's father. However, the third time I went up the wall I was very shaky, and scared of falling, so it took me a while to get up. I couldn't keep a grip with my hands because they were sweaty and couldn't find a spot for my feet. I finally made it to the top, but on the way down, I was still terrified of falling, and ended up getting stuck in one spot. As I was contemplating on how to get down all the while fearing falling, my son's father climbed up next to me with ease, I looked over at him without saying anything and climbed down the wall. Once my feet touched the floor all I remember is feeling safe and at peace. I then woke.
As those of you who are taking the time to read my book can see... I have a lot going on in my life, and walk with God, and a lot that I have gone through. Any encouragement, advice, rebuke, or otherwise is much needed and will be appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.
God Bless you
