Strawrifle, you said
Again, you are expecting some kind of response, some kind of sign or confirmation. And, it would appear, you are judging yourself to be full of unbelief because you still feel dead and unchanged; that is, because there was no confirmation, that you are aware of, to evidence God took notice of your earnest pleas. You are putting the cart before the horse, my friend.
Others here have kindly provided you with some sermons or doctrines about certain beliefs that true believers have. Although there still remains the problem that you seem to be struggling with. For merely assenting to such Christian truths, such as those Areadymind mentioned, does not guarantee one's salvation. The reason for this goes back to what I said about not merely having the truth but much more having a love for the truth that you might be saved (2 Thessalonians 2:10). As it is, I think it is safe to assume that after some 30 years of searching, your problem is not whether you have heard or understand the Gospel. Perhaps you even acknowledge it to be true that Jesus, the Christ, died to save you from your sins as an atoning sacrifice, etc. If you did not I would find it strange that you should be so concerned about crying out to God. So it seems to me that the root of your struggle is in recognizing what faith actually is, what faith is grounded in, and how to exercise it.
There are many out there who speak foolishly about the nature of faith. They say faith is "blind." Do not listen to those people. Faith and reason are neither enemies nor mutually exclusive. But faith does extend beyond what human reasoning can grasp. You might imagine this like an arrow that extends upward and points far into the unfathomable depths of the universe beyond our skies. This arrow is the straight and narrow path of all human comprehension and understanding of what is true and reasonable (this would include the knowledge of God in accordance to the general revelation; this is sometimes referred to as intuitive knowledge; see Romans 1:16ff). But the mind cannot extend itself beyond it's natural bounds: it cannot grasp the heavens or tear away the veil to peer into the higher mysteries. This is likewise the limitation and weakness of the branches of philosophy. When we consider such tantalizing questions as what caused the universe (e.g., the Kalam cosmological argument taken together with the ontological argument for God's existence) we find that reason and intuition agree that it seems undeniable that there must be more to everything than brute empirical facts. No doubt to the chagrin of many atheists who fervently wish God would simply vanish in a puff of logic. Yet for all the rationality and for all the compelling arguments for God's existence and that He has revealed Himself through the Christian Bible and in His only begotten Son, none of these testimonies can bring us to that absolute 100% conclusion. In point, only the witness of the Holy Spirit can truly evidence that full assurance; although, even that can be often forgotten or neglected. Such is the nature of sin to dull and harden the hearts of men to the loving-kindness of their Creator.
I say all of these things to make a point. In the end, reason can no more bring us to God than it can motivate us to trust our dearest friend. It can lead us very far and point the way beyond but it cannot provide the reason or the motivation for why we ought to go beyond. Thus faith is entirely reasonable and yet it is more: it is trust. Not the kind of trust a gambler may have. It is the kind of trust found in any good and healthy relationship, such as, a husband who trusts that his wife genuinely loves him and will not betray him, and that trust is mutual. And, indeed, when we speak of Christian faith, we are speaking of a personal relation to a personal God.
So I ask, what manner of sign ought the husband expect from his wife that while she is beyond his immediate perception that she will abide, even abound, in her love for him and remain loyal to their marriage covenant? I dare say he asks for none, much more, he needs none. Why then do we require any more from God who has already given us His Son and all things? Take God at His word. He is faithful and true; He cannot lie. When He says that whosoever believes and trusts in Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, who knew no sin and was made "to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" and thereby be reconciled unto God (2 Corinthians 5:20-21), He means it.
This most profound of truths is not to be found in fuzzy sensation or tingly fingers or heart palpitations; it is not to be found in the blatantly miraculous; it is not to be found in mere mental assent or an emotion. It is only found in a personal and sincere trust between one person and another. Therefore if you can trust God to do what He said He would do then take courage in the words of Christ, who says,
John 14:21. "He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose (reveal) Myself to him."
John 15:10. "If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love."
12. "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you."
14. "You are My friends if you do what I command you."
17. "This I command you, that you love one another."
And John would go on to later write, in First John, chapter 4,
Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?"
And He said to him, " 'you shall love the Lord you God with all of your heart, and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'you shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
I would also strongly recommend you to consider the Epistle of Second Peter, which declares unto us, that it is only by God's "divine power [that He] has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and virtue. For by these [His own glory and virtue] He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust."
And Peter goes on to say, "for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you."
What then do all of these Scriptures mean? They are the marks of a truly born-again Christian or, as John puts it, one who is born of God. There is much that can be said for why this is the case (it has to do with the nature of man's dependence upon God as the giver of life) but for now it is enough to say that if we love God and love our neighbor with unfeigned hearts and this love is grounded in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (that is, even as Christ so loved us) then we have assurance that God has forgiven our sins, even as He cleanses us from all unrighteousness, and that He has given unto us eternal life in His Son.
