I want to be real(updated please read last post)

I am posting here because I feel the need to come clean, to confess some things and I have no other brothers and sisters in Christ to go to. Some things have happened in my life over the last 6 months and God is showing me more of myself then I ever wanted to see. I am confused, and there is so much sin in my life that I am questioning if I am really saved. I look at my life and I still see so much self rule, such an unwillingness to let go and give HIM control of my life. Even here with many of my posts, I have not been real with people. I'm fearful and guarded, never wanting to truly let go and let God be Lord of my life. I hate that I hold things back from Him and yet in my flesh I still do it. I worry about peoples opinions, if they will be upset with me and I compromise. I keep thinking that if I am truly HIS and truly walking with HIM there would not be so much of the world in my life and there would not be so much self and people pleasing in my life. I keep hearing this question, "where is your faith?" repeating in my mind and heart. Things happen, bad things happen and I crumble in fear and doubt. I obsess, and worry but I don't trust. So then where is my faith to stand firm in HIM, to weather the storms in HIM? I read so many of the things people post on here and your faith is so strong and I look at my life and its just not there. I could keep on pretending that it is but in the end I would only be deceiving myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be this person anymore, I want so much to walk with HIM and not care what the world says about it. I want to trust and not live in fear. I want to know that I am forgiven and not live in regret and guilt any more.I want to be honest and not lie anymore. I want my life to reflect HIM not me! I want these things so much so very much and I know I have said it before and yet here I am, I still struggle with self. I don't want it to be just words on a page any more. I want my walk, my life to reflect what I say I know. I don't want to be a fake and I know that I have been, so please pray for me. Please pray that this time I won't bury these things He is showing me but that I will finally face them and die to them. Please pray that I won't be soothed into thinking I'm not that bad a person but that I will see that by walking as I have been I am lost and that I desperately need HIM!

mj

I can't imagine a clearer picture of somebody in love with our Awesome God about to move in to a "large place". Psalm 18;19 basically says because He delights in you He is bringing you into a large place, not just "big" but a place of freedom. amen

How precious you are to Him Mary.

Ruf

Hi Mary Jane:

Dear sister, I have many times felt the same way, and I have many testimonies that if shared would really amaze you. However, if you got to know me personally you would very quickly realize that I am a very average person, worthy of ZERO HONOR. All honor and glory goes to Jesus, this is why He died for me. Don't be confused, people often use testimonies as a way to get honor from men, so don't feel small because of another, we're all the same, seriously.

I'll share with you something that has helped me in the last week or so. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THIS!! Look at Isaiah 6:1-7:

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.” Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”

Notice that when Isaiah gets close to the Lord that he perceives his own sin, and then the angel comes and cleanses his lips with the coal.

In his normal everyday life Isaiah wouldn't have perceived his own sin, it was only when he got closer to God.

DON'T LET THE ENEMY CONVINCE YOU THAT YOUR AWARENESS OF SIN IS TERRIBLE!! This is a sign that you are getting closer to Him, HOLD ON TO THAT LIKE PURE GOLD!!!

Look at the following from a human perspective:

Least of the Apostles ( Highest )
Least of the Saints ( Medium )
Chief of Sinners ( Lowest )

Ascending right? From a human perspective YES.

From Paul's perspective no, just the opposite (when you put them in chronological order):

Chief of Sinners ( Highest )
Least of the Saints ( Medium )
Least of the Apostles ( Lowest )

This is the true heavenbound trajectory!!

Did Paul get more Christlike as the years went on or less Christlike? More is the obvious answer, the more we walk with Jesus the more that we realize our own sinfulness and dependence on Him, that's true Christian maturity.

Don't let the devil deceive you in this sister, you are where you are for a reason, and on the right path.

Hope this helps you out!!

In Christ,
Earl J

I will pray for you MaryJane. I hope my posts don't reflect that I have rock-solid faith because I don't. I have a lot of doubts and struggles. In my experience, it seems that everyone does in some regard or other, and God knows just how to bring the right pressures into our lives to get us to deal with them. You are not unique in that regard. Also, it is easy to reflect those areas when we post on here where we DO have faith, or where God has given us a particular insight. But I would venture a guess that for many of us, at least some of the time, our family members who really live with us would say that they don't see that side of us. God bless you for your honesty in sharing your struggles....praying...

My wife and I are praying for you today, sister MaryJane.

I also would like to echo what Jesus-is-God stated: We are all in the same boat (or "ark") so to speak. And I would also like to echo the passage that he quoted from Philippians chapter 3. It is one of my "favorite" passages (if that makes sense) because it demonstrates the hunger to lay everything at the feet of Christ.

When I came to our Lord as barely a teenage boy, I told him that I would trade everything that I was and all that I would ever be if I could simply know Him...and be His friend.

There is nothing better in this life than to spend time alone with God -- to get into that private "prayer closet" and shut the world out.

But, yes, this world is filled with distractions. Often, we think of the obvious distractions of this world (work, entertainment, people). However, I am finding that even "helpful" things (church responsibilities, books, music, etc...) can sometimes serve as a type of compromise that serves to distract us from simply spending intimate time with God.

As you mentioned, the solution is to simply be real with God and man. If God is more important than anything in our lives, we should not be fearful of pushing aside all other things in our pursuit of spending time alone with the Lord. I know that we have responsibilities in this life (such as family, work, etc...), but our hunger should be for that intimacy more than we long for any other intimacy or interaction.

When I was in high school, and later, college and grad school, I constantly longed for alone time with God. This continues to this day. I often find myself at work longing for the time that I can be alone with God. However, I also feel that way when I am enjoying the fellowship with my wife.

I suppose that it is so easy to "be real" with God -- beyond all things -- when we are alone with Him. There is no pretense in that intimacy. It should be our goal that we would all be that same person that we are in our prayer closets as we are in our day-to-day lives.

Sister, we are praying for you. Be encouraged! Our God is infinite in His understanding of your longings...and He is always as close as the mention of His Name. You are just as loved...and just as heard...as the most devout of saints who have ever lived.

Psalm 139

Mary Jane, you told us this, have you told the LORD? It means a total surrender to Him and it is impossible to do it in your own strength. No body can do it alone...

God bless you, Mary Jane, and may His face shine upon you and give you peace.

ginnyrose

https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/singlefile.php?lid=15694&commentView=itemComments

Hello sister,

I know exactly what you are going through, in the link above is a song in the Godly Music section here on SI that I think you can relate to. The closer and closer I walk, learn, and have fellowship with Christ the more I find the point you have already made, I desperately nee HIM.

I grew up in the world of religion and found that religion is a masking tool, while make claims of needing Him what its really saying is you need more religious activity. This is the furtherest from the truth, we need Him alone.

For the longest time now it feels I have searched my heart over and over again only to find more things that need dealt with and taken out of my heart. Its a painful process but something I have learned is Christ Jesus is in no rush He has you already in His hands and HE will work in you NOT you working in you. Keep remembering your dependence on Him, Keep remembering You are in His hands, HE has you at the pace He wants you to go even though you feel like a failure, He is only looking and smiling at the finished product HE knows He is going to get out of you.

Zac Poonen has a sermon where he expounds on Leviticus I can't remember what it is or I would put the link in, but in a sense He said each day, week, month, and year we should focus on submitting one thing at a time just like the Priest only put one body part at a time for the Burnt Offering. God I believe desires full and absolute surrender BUT "He knows our frame, He knows that we are dust and in His mercy He forgives and His Kindness never ends!" (this is also song lyrics by the good people at Ihop).

Don't lose heart Our God is a Mighty big God and a Lover at that and guess what? YOU are the object of HIS affection, HE will woo you and bring you to the place of Submission in His good timing EVERYTIME. Keep seeking to be real and honest because that is What HE seeks, John 4:23 " 23But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers."

The Spirit He seeks is His own and that is One of Love and Humility, and Truth is His truth and OUR Honesty with that truth. Keep pressing, Keep praying and Don't despise your immature Love for Him, HE can and will Mature it.

I will be praying for you as the Lord leads me.

God Bless,
Matthew

hi maryjane, i saw something this week that i never saw before... the prodigal son when he saw himself at the pig sty for who he was and what he had done said to himself the servants of my father live better than i do and decided to work himself back in the good graces of his father... he got up with his his plan in hand and headed toward the fathers house...when the father saw him he ran to meet him and did not allow his son to speak but cried out...this is my son who was lost and is now found go get the slippers, the ring and the robe, you can not work yourself back into The Fathers good graces forHe loves you even in your failure.isaiah saw God and himself for who he was and and cried out like you woe is me...anytime you really see yourself in truth you will see how phoney and puny we are and how Holy He is...it is all by grace that we are saved with nothing from us added.either Jesus died for you and conquered sin or He did not...if you trust in Him He will help you walk in the spirit...do not have any faith in what you can do or not do but have faith in what He already did.jimp

Sister, May be you need more of the assurance of His love. You need to realize the depth of His love. When I realized it helped me tremendously. Be gripped by His love. Your walk with Him will be wonderful and victorious.

Few months ago, Holy Spirit opened my eyes to realize what it means to be "accepted in the Beloved (Ep 1: 6)". I imagined a conversation going between the Father and the Son before the foundation of the world. The Son taking a list of people whom He has chosen to saved, gave it to the Father. Many names were there. There was a name among many - Simon Peter.
Father asked His Son,"Son, why did you choose Peter? For three and half years he is going to be with you - eating and drinking, witnessing all the miracles and wonders-but at the end of he is going to deny you. Again he will go back to the world fishing. Are you going to choose such a person?".
Jesus said, "Yes Dad. I am going to choose him. I need him to build My Church".
Father then said, "In that case a price has to be paid for him".
Jesus said," OK Dad. I'll pay that price".
Then against the name Simon Peter the Father wrote - "ACCEPTED IN THE BELOVED".

Then the Father saw another name -Saul -in the list.
Father, wondering, asked Jesus,"why My Son, have you chosen Saul?. He is going to persecute all the Christians of the early Church. He is going to play a role in the stoning of Stephan."
Jesus said," Yes Dad. It's true. But I have great great plans for him. I need him"
Father said,"Son, then you have to pay a huge price for him. You have to die."
The Son said,"Oh! Dad, I am willing. It's worth dying for Saul".
Then the Father wrote against the name Saul - "ACCEPTED IN THE BELOVED AS PAUL".

(Think on these line for yourself. I did for myself and it really gripped me.)

Next the Father saw a name "Mary Jane" and asked the Son,"Son, why have you chosen Mary Jane. After being saved, she will hold on to so much sin, full of unbelief as to whether she was saved or not; self ruling her and she will be unwilling to give You full control or let You be the Lord of her life; she will be fearful and will be seeking other’s opinion rather than Yours; will crumble in fear and unbelief when things will go wrong; Are you going to choose somebody like her?"
Jesus said, "Yes Dad. I have chosen her".
Father said, "Then you have to pay a huge price for her. All the blood from your body have to shed for her."
Jesus said, " OK Dad, I'll pay the price for Mary Jane".
Father said,"May not be enough. Son, You and I were one from eternity. And I know, you value that oneness more than anything. Now if you are going to choose Mary Jane, You may have to lose that. That is the price You have to pay for Mary Jane."
Jesus looking beyond all the faults, seeing the need said,"Dad, if that is the price I have to pay for Mary Jane, I am willing."
Then the Father wrote against the name: "ACCEPTED IN THE BELOVED".

Think of this love everyday and never let anything to take away the charm of His love.
I would strongly recommend the book, ”Hungry for more of Jesus” by David Wilkerson to read. He writes about the Naomi, Ruth and Boaz. What a revelation of God’s love. You will be broken by God’s love for you. I have heard bro.Zac saying this - The proof that God is blessing me is that He will give revelation of myself. Be of good cheer. God is blessing you more than ever.

Dear Sister,
This too shall pass and praise God - you will come out on top of it because He will finish the good work He began in you. You are His precious child. We all go through this at times. Psalms is a great place to hang out for a season for me in times like this. In all of us, the only good in any of us is the Lord. Glory to God.

AGAPE Mary Jane AGAPE (God's love to you)!

Thank you for your responses. I am overwhelmed by the love and prayers you have shared. I so appreciate the scriptures shared and I am reading and will continue to do so. I am taking to heart all that has been shared here with me. I know one thing, as afraid as I am I do not want this moment to pass until I know without a doubt I am HIS...

Ginnyrose you wrote this:have you told the LORD? It means a total surrender to Him and it is impossible to do it in your own strength. No body can do it alone...

__________

I have cried out to the Lord on this. This time its different though because of what else you wrote, the part about "total surrender". I now see more clearly then I ever have in my life that I have not totally surrendered unto HIM. There's no excuses left, its just me and Jesus and I can't keep on pretending or lying...not even to myself.I have held back, on some level I still want to be in control. I trust that Jesus loves me, and I know in my heart I am so undeserving of HIS love. The thing is I believe Jesus is deserving of so much more then I could ever be or give and yet still I have hurt HIM with my sin. So much of my life has been filled with compromise, or pleasing those around me that I think how can I truly be sold out for Jesus if I still hurt HIM this way with my sin. If I love HIM as I profess then why is it that surrendering to HIM completely is such a fearful thing to me. Why do I care that there "will" be those around me that are angry or hurt by the things I know God is showing me to walk in. If HE is all that matters, as HE should be then why do I continue on in this way?? I'm not questioning Jesus or HIS promises. I know HE is true. I am questioning myself, my profession of love and devotion to HIM. How can they be genuine when I still walk in sin and hurt HIM this way.

Truth is I can play the religious game pretty well, I can say and behave outwardly in the "correct" way but who am I fooling, not Jesus. I just don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to play church. I so want to live for HIM but a part of me is afraid of what that will really look like. That part wants to hold on and I need Jesus to help me let go. I feel this raging conflict inside of me at this moment. This probably sounds crazy but I don't want to deceive myself into thinking I am saved if I am not. I can think of no greater loss then to face Jesus and have HIM say, "Depart from me I never knew you."

mj

MaryJane,

I say with all compassion that I must caution you to never base your salvation on what others tell you. I once did this but God showed me through the Scriptures that I had never been born again, for I had never had the witness of the Spirit witness to my own spirit that I was His child (Romans 8.16). When God saves you, you don't need someone to tell you. The Bible doesn't show us anything else. This is not to imply that a Christian will never struggle or have to deal with the sin in his life. But I must warn you--don't allow anyone's advice to not worry give you any assurance of salvation. Paul said to examine yourselves; he never said don't worry.

If you will, listen to the testimony of Mrs. Paul Washer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAxeDX-GYHw
Her testimony is my testimony and I hear of this happening more and more. Please understand, I'm not saying you're a false convert; I'm only presenting what is possible.

Also, listen to Paul Washer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4axy22oTkA when you can.

This is something that's a real burden on my heart, as I know what it's like; I struggled for years, never telling anyone, but God did gloriously save me and I can say with gratitude today that now I AM HIS AND HE IS MINE. I would encourage you in this way--do not rest until you know the same. It's God who tells us we're forgiven; anything else is counterfeit. I'm praying for you, MaryJane.

Dear Brothers and Sisters

Over the last several days I have been praying and searching my heart wanting to know with out any doubts that I am saved and that I belong to the Lord because I have come to see much sin in my life that I have been walking in. After much prayer and just being in the Word I have come to see that Jesus is Lord of my life. I have spent time away, I have spent time getting caught up in the things of this world but HE is still the Lord of my life and has carried me through. I see now because HE has shown me that I have been living apart from HIM and in self. I see that there is much that I must repent of but I also see that my greatest struggle has not been with fear, guilt, or doubt but control over my own life. I see now that as things began happening in my life I took my focus off of Jesus and began looking at situations and events. I began to "work" very hard at getting things done and seeking to make myself feel better in the process instead of trusting and abiding in HIM. For a time I stopped submitting myself unto the Lord daily, living for HIM moment by moment and I realize I was attempting to walk in righteousness by own strength. It happened with such subtlety that I did not even take notice as I began walking more and more in self and away from the Lord. I was attempting to “not live in fear” by willing myself not to be afraid. I was deceiving myself into believing that I could walk by faith and trust if only I tried harder. I was not praying, I was not seeking HIM truly as one does who is dependent but rather as someone who thought she had all the answers and just needed to change my behavior. It is impossible and completely unattainable to live like that. I must walk in HIM daily, submit to HIS will daily, seeking after HIM daily, or I will falter and fail every time. My flesh wants to be in charge, wants to call the shots but there is no life apart from Christ, only complete reliance on HIM will enable me to truly submit and obey as HE has asked me to. I see now I can not depend that I know the answers. Self will deceive me if given the opportunity.

God is so merciful, HE has shown me that I must go to HIM in prayer in “all” things. I can not lean on my own understanding and think that I am “ok” in what I am doing. I must seek HIS will in every situations, for what HE might will for one may not be HIS desire for my life. I can not just assume I know, I must seek HIM until HE has shown me!

In my heart I know on some level I have seen this in the past about myself but now Father is showing me this in such a clear understanding that I finally know I have eyes to see! Knowing that the flesh is weak and that there will be temptation to fall back into sinful patterns I will ask for continued prayer as the Lord leads you dear saints. I also humbly ask that if there is a sister in Christ here who might be willing to allow me to correspond with them for a time as the Lord allows, to help me with accountability. I realize this is not the ideal way to have this kind of fellowship but I am knew to my area and I have not found a church to attend and meet other believers as of yet. I am seeking to do so and that is one of the areas I want to be accountable in also.

Thank you to all those who have come along side me during this time and prayed and shared the words the Lord has given you with me. I am so very grateful.

Lord please continue you to help me know YOU as a person, not just to know of YOU!!! I am so seeing it is all about relationship!!!

God Bless
Maryjane

Praise the Lord, MaryJane, for His work in your life. You are expressing what is common to the Christian experience, I think....satan will do anything to get our eyes off of Jesus. We are all different with different personalities and weaknesses, but satan knows how to trip us up. Thank the Lord that He will not let us go, and has already won the victory. I have been praying for you, and will continue to pray that Jesus will keep you close. He will complete the good work that HE began in you.....God bless you!!

WOW! I just joined and the first post that I read was yours Mary Jane. And what you said of yourself is a mirror image of me. I've been a follower of Christ for 37 years and I still struggle in following the Lord completely.

Reading your post and all of the responses that have been posted gave me a great since of joy and is a great source of encouragement. We are not alone in our walk. Praise the Lord!

Thanks to you Mary Jane and to all of you who have responded to her post. I don't know how much you helped her but you helped me a great deal. What a way to get started on this web site.

In Christ, Your Brother
doulosJC

MaryJane,

I have been following your post from the beginning, but today my heart was refreshed.

You are on the right path, dear one. Walking with Jesus daily and abiding in Him, fully relying on His strength alone is the only way to have a victorious, and joyful life.

As Luther said, "If we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing."
And Paul, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Blessings.
God will reward you for your humility to post your struggles by causing many souls to be blessed and encouraged.