What is wrong with me?

I'm very nervous about writing this post. It's bound to be long and, for that, I sincerely apologize whole-heartedly. But I really, really need to get this off my chest. It's about how I've been feeling about things for quite awhile now. I don't know anyone around me that I can talk to that truly understands how I feel. I've tried but find that the people I've spoken to either get visibly uncomfortable and quiet or their comments show that they don't quite understand the extent of what I'm trying to express.

First know this: I'm not depressed. Saddened, yes. Concerned, yes. Aching, yes. But depressed or confused? No. With that in mind, here it goes...

I don't understand the world we live in. I can't relate to it. I have nothing in common with it. The things I love, it hates. What it loves, I hate. Please understand, I'm NOT trying to sound like a Super Christian or some one I'm not. I'm the MOST imperfect person I know and that alone grieves me more than anything else! In this post, I'm trying to speak plainly, and just be honest and vulnerable, laying out my emotions bare.

I'm a man very strongly principled. I'm very traditional and old-fashioned. I believe in integrity, honor, honesty, a good work ethic, respect and kindness. I believe in putting others first and have a very strong sense of justice and fairness!

I enjoy living very simply. I don't own much and have no desire to. I don't own a home, a car, a radio, stereo, CDs, DVDs, TV, microwave, dishwasher, etc., I don't have (or even like) all these new technological gadgets that are destroying what's left of our sense of community and are making every person an island unto themselves. I have a computer, a bed, a chair, a table for the computer, a lamp, a bookshelf with less than 20 books, and simple kitchen things. That's it. If I needed to walk out the door, I could do it in less than 10 minutes by putting a change of clothes, a few toiletries and my bible in my backpack and walking out. I don't like television or today's music. The only music I relate to is gospel and hymns. Do you know the stares I get when I say that to people? I see shock and they start backing away. I don't expect others to live this way or project my values onto them. Still, people get defensive when they hear how I live and what I like. Someone learned that I don't have a TV and offered me one of their 42" flat screen TVs for free. It's new and they already have four, so, would I like to have it? I thanked them and declined as graciously as I knew how but they were not only in shock but almost offended by my answer!

Can you see how a person like me would feel in direct conflict with this world? (I'm sure many of you do, too, it's just that I can only speak for myself at this time.)

Catching up with the news online saddens and angers me. Where's the truth? It's all biased, lies and fluff. Much of the true news doesn't make it to airwaves. Tragedies (and the victims) are quickly forgotten because people are uncomfortable with it and want to get back to their comfortable, entertainment-driven, selfish lifestyles. There's so much corruption in the media that nothing can be trusted anymore. It takes more people to die in each successive tragedy for it to affect us anymore. But even when it does affect us, we quickly move on, just glad that it wasn't us!

Our government is corrupt. Everything is about agendas, special interest groups and winning. Nothing is about serving the people and doing what's right, or best, for everyone. Our rights are being taken away and those that aren't being taken are being coerced from us by fabricated horrors to scare people into being willing to give up more freedoms and liberties in order to feel safe. There's nothing honest about politics anymore.

People have become selfish, lazy, and let others (like govt, media, Hollywood, advertising, etc.,) do their thinking for them. Everyone has earphones or a bluetooth in their ears, ignoring everyone around them. To them, the rest of us are just obstacles in a video game that they have to get around to get to their prize. No common courtesy, no politeness, no manners. Just selfishness, public cursing, rudeness, ludeness, and the attitude of "how DARE you disagree with me or say anything against ME and MY beliefs!" Yet, they reserve "their right" to hypocritically rage at you and tell you how horrible you and your beliefs are.

Negativity and complaining are the common voice of people. And everything is always someone else's fault. Even modern psychiatry, psychology, science and political correctness assure us that our bad behavior isn't our fault and that we're all just victims.

The culture in America is entertainment-driven and geared towards instant gratification. There's no patience. I hear more complaints about tornado warnings interrupting someone's favorite show than I do about the poor victims of the tornado! Where's the compassion? Where's the heartbreak? It's all about ME! Let the world go to hell in a hand basket, just don't interrupt my TV shows and other entertainment. I have a RIGHT to them!

Speaking of people's "rights," consumers have gotten out of hand. I see people raging at cashiers because the store is out of a product or has set limits on it. It's the entitlement attitude. Who cares about others having a chance to get that item? I WANT SIX OF THEM AND I WANT THEM NOW! MANAGER!!!! That's so wrong on so many different levels!

The world cares more about celebrity news (especially their tragedies and humiliations) than they do about news that matters. Leonard Ravenhill was spot on when he said that America has a king and his name is Sport. And that he has a wife and her name is Entertainment! All people care about is themselves, their rights and their entertainment. Do what you have to but don't touch those things!

We're a country of humanism and hedonism. The hypocrisy of political correctness runs rampant. You MUST respect ME and MY beliefs and lifestyle but I reserve MY right to rage against you and yours! Don't you DARE say anything negative about me or I'LL SUE YOU (and win)! Not only are God and Christians mocked, but so is honesty, respect, integrity and values.

There's more justice given towards criminals than towards the victims. People can sue for anything and win exorbitant amounts of money.

Big Business works towards the destruction of the little guys and monopolies abound. Consumers are robbed by incredulous, ridiculous fees and yet have no recourse when businesses do wrong against them. Corporations and the rich use loopholes to escape paying taxes and project all of their expenses onto the consuming public. They're rich because they pay for, and give, nothing. If they do get taxed, they'll make sure that expense is made up by charging more in prices and fees onto the consumers.

Sex and sexuality is shoved down our throats. I can't go on with this subject because it tears me up.

Companies demand 300% from their blue collar employees. More responsibilities are heaped upon them without thanks, reward or honest compensation. Only threats of losing their jobs to someone whose willing to work without complaining. No raises. No requests for time off. No flexibility. Yet, the corporate and government folks rake in the multi-million (and billion) dollar salaries and bonuses, even amidst scandals and law-breaking. All off the backs, and the lack of honest wages, of the working class.

Everything is about power, control, greed and winning! And the overwhelming majority of people have fallen for all of it, whether by deception or the lust of it.

Forgive me for the bluntness of what I'm about to say. People have gone plain stupid and are unable to think for themselves. I am in shock over the ridiculously stupid things I hear people say. Common sense and logic are no longer common. Oh, the examples I could give on the stupidity of people! I know that's a terrible word to describe anyone but it's an honest one.

I don't recognize this world. I don't like it. I don't want to be here. (No worries, I'm NOT suicidal or depressed!) I'm not comfortable! I just don't get it. I can't find anyone who seems to understand why I feel this way! I have this feeling inside that screams, "I just want to go home!" How can I miss somewhere I've never been?

The reason I'm not depressed is because I know that God is still God and He's still in control. He's still on the throne and nothing escapes His gaze. His justice WILL be served and everything will be made right. His plan is being worked out according to His schedule and His will will be done. (Hallelujah!) But that doesn't stop my heart from hurting so much! I find myself weeping more and more over these things! How this must hurt the Father so! In my limited understanding and perception, if I feel this way, how much more so must He, knowing all of it fully?

QUOTE: To them, the rest of us are just obstacles in a video game that they have to get around to get to their prize. No common courtesy, no politeness, no manners. Just selfishness, public cursing, rudeness, ludeness, and the attitude of "how DARE you disagree with me or say anything against ME and MY beliefs!"

Right on! That says it all, for me. And here i thought it was only where i live.

Psalm 27
Psalm 46
John 16:33

Peace to you, my Brother

your a christan theres nothing wrong with you brother

lap up the broken heart and contrite spirit ,

jesus was a man of sorrows aquainted with greif , so are you,,,,,praise god ,,,,,,,

i know it hurts
use the greif to increase your prayer life

First of all, I have to thank all of you. I can't believe you read that entire post! You must all have the patience of Job!

I'm in tears right now, not for the kind words, but because I don't feel so alone in this anymore. I can't tell you how long I've searched for someone, anyone to talk to about these things that understood or cared. I really, really needed to get that off my chest. I have to say that I do feel better. I just needed to know someone understood.

There's more I want to say but I want to pause and not say it out of emotion. I want to be very prayerful about it. I'll come back tomorrow.

Thanks again, family. Your words, and the scriptures you offered, are a comfort.

Thanks SL...Now I don't think I'm nuts. Others feel this way also. I'm thinkin every true child of God is repulsed by this world and has a longing to leave and get home...and I think the desire to leave (in me any way) is getting stronger.

this is part of the partaking of christs sufferings

you are blessed brothers, blessed

i know its hard but this gives me joy to hear you describe your experance

rejoyce in these sufferings

bless you gyes

I'm right next door to the south in Iowa
much of what you said has been my anguish also
good to know I thought I was alone
rich

What you speak of should define the life of one sold out to Christ. It is the "am I crazy for I can't find others who feel this way syndrome. That is what Christianity is. Anything less.......well then is one truly sold out? Instead of hearing, "I was baptized or I am a christian, it is beautiful and good to hear one say, "I am at odds with the world for sure, as well I have little to nothing in common with most of those who profess Christ, so then what is wrong with me"?

I find myself hardened over and crusty with the world, and with a gaping hole that needs to be filled again with God.

Thank you for expressing the inner rumblings of many today. These are times of testing. Many of the psalms are relevant for that reason. Actually, most of the psalms are laments. And understandably so. Most of life for most people is and has been lamentable.

As our “crustiness” dissolves we find ourselves lamenting in solidarity with countless believers now and in the past. It hurts a lot, and takes courage and faith. But this allows us to be human and God to be God. Above all it opens us to grasp a new, unshakable hope – not in an earthly “Jerusalem” (Gal. 4:25-26) but in a “Jerusalem that is above”.

“ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.” from Ps. 42, 43

Diane

I think this thread is some of the proof that there are not meant to be "Lone Ranger Christians." Family needs each other because no one can supply all of their own needs.

What was really getting to me this whole time is that I can very clearly and plainly see that the silent majority of people actually feel this way but no one is saying anything! These are the elephants in the room that people dare not mention! It's those on the extremes that speak the loudest and claim to speak for all. But people have become afraid of them out of fear of confrontation and reviling.

I've lived around lies, deception and masks my entire life and something has happened inside me that I no longer have the patience to tolerate it. I no longer fear other people and what they might say or think of me anymore. I'm desperate for people to wake up out of their stupor. There's a boldness in me for the truth. I never used to be this way but I can't bear it anymore. It's hurting people! Some people bury themselves in lies and deception but their faces are [I]clearly pleading[/I] for help! They're too afraid to say what they really feel because of what others might say or think of them. They're looking for people who are bold enough to take to stand so they can come out from hiding. People [I]want[/I] the truth but they're afraid. I see it as clearly as I see the words on this page!

Others use the lies and deception to control, manipulate and hurt others. It must be God-given boldness because I will stand up to them and call out their hypocrisy and lies.

I don't say this with pride but with confidence in the Lord. Only He could make me so bold and give me the right words to say. When people are confronted with the truth, in boldness and in the authority of Jesus Christ, they are left defenseless.

There's such a sense of urgency in my spirit concerning the amount of time we have left here. This is the last chance we have to make an impact on eternity.

I'm desperate for people to wake up out of their stupor.

Me too, Keith! When God awakens a vision in us, oh, how we want others to move on and see too! Here is our very point of temptation: our desires. Oh, how easy it is to be like Abraham and Sarah, pushing ahead for the vision of “offspring”. How natural if is to be like the Israelites in the desert – those who tried to get into the Promised Land outside of God’s timing. Think of Moses, who was required to hang back for those 40 years with that rebellious, doubting lot of people. Moses himself grew impatient many times – and it ultimately cost him. Think of Peter who cut off the soldier’s ear with a sword. Martin Luther, it seems, faced demise because of his failure to wait for God to build the Church. It made him crusty and bitter in his older years – and the world knows the effects all too well. How many saints of God have become embittered or have lost their joy and peace because of an inability to wait for the vision – “though it linger" (Hab. 2:3.

Vision is a gift from God. Yet the patience to wait for its fulfillment requires divine empowerment. It requires our “death” – the death of self and whatever may stand in the way. It is God who, through trials works to pry our fingers off of HIS project. God WILL fulfill the vision. He will build his Church, and he will use his broken servants. But that involves shaping them through trials in order to strip away layers of “self”. Even the vision undergoes death, as it did for Abraham. The promise – the son, Isaac must be sacrificed in order that God becomes our unrivaled love.

Someone once cautioned me about the possibility of worshipping revival. At the time, I did not know what that meant. I am learning. It means putting the vision ahead of God himself. I speak for myself. I often find myself despondent because I see all around me signs of a lost Christianity. I let it rob me of joy. But, then I am reminded that we live in an age when the gospel is flourishing like never before (south of the equator). What if I didn’t know that? Would I still be able to endure with joy?

In the end, we will be held accountable for our faith – as in the “cloud of witnesses”. And when we walk in faith, we are never alone. We are surrounded! PTL! (See Heb. 11, 12:1)

Diane

QUOTE:
"there are not meant to be "Lone Ranger Christians."

AMEN! More Christians need to get a hold of this truth.

Wonderful posts here!

I relate to much of what you have said Keith.

God continues to awaken us today...and this vision is a gift from God, as Diane has said - but as well, it brings us into more and more of death to the old self life and stripping away of even our Isaacs.

I relate also to the comments by others from scripture regarding "Love not the world," and the sayings of Christ regarding persecution for his followers.

If we walk as Jesus walked we will experience joy and persecution.

TV is horrid. David Wilkerson once called it the "little blue demon." Each of us must discern what is life and what is death in these matters.

Society is rude and our country is bankrupt in many ways.

I like your comments from Ravenhill. I too remember when he said such things as, "Entertainment is the devil's substitute for joy."

Some are taking the narrow path of the cross - but this is not popular. If I see the way clearly, it is by grace; I cannot judge anyone, for God has shown me my heart apart from his resurrection life. When the alabaster jar was broken, the aroma filled the house... Lord, keep us there.

One other comment by Ravenhill continues to stand out in my mind year after year: "The reason we do not have revival is because we are content to live without it." This I think is the main issue for us. Yes, we are sickened by lukewarm Christianity and a depraved society....but are we desperate and hungry for Christ himself and His path?

dear sl, i am 72 and have lived in large houses and on golf courses but for the last 12 or so years i have livedin one room.i do have a tv and a microwave but nothing else to cook on. it has been 12 of the happiest years of my life. a couple of years ago i met an older guy who is sold out to the Lord who has been living in a tent for years and hitch hikes for rides. he works and gives almost all of his money to missions and christian works. he has a good income and buys hats and shirts and prints bible verses etc. on them and sells them and gives the money away.how easy is it going to be for him to turn down the mark of the beast for he owns nothing of value but a great character.jimp