what to do about my marraige

i have been married to my wife for about 7 years now we have been together about 9. we both go to church and everything, but i am finding it hard to be around her, i cant stand her really. she has a real problem with anger and she is very disrespectful. i have tried to talk to her but it gets me no where. i try to have the fruits of the spirit. that is what the spirit leads me to. but i dont see the same in her. she likes drama and gossip and wont study or apply herself . i dont know what to do i dont want to get divorced, but its lookin like im gettin close to leavin, i know i can never remarry and im fine with that. i dont never wish to get remarried. i love her with my whole body but i cant stand this fighting and anger all the time over nothing. i almost think she is by polar and it runs in her family. i doont know what to do and i need some spiritual advice. please hit me back with what the word says or any advice. i look down the future and find no happiness with this woman. and i am not happy now. i am missrable. i just want peace in my life . thanks.

I am so so sorry about your struggle. I don't have any advice, will leave that to wiser minds on this site, but I will pray for you.

Aaron312,
I am sorry that you are having such difficulty. Don't lose heart. You can overcome.

If you want to know how you should deal with your wife, you must look to Christ, how He treats the church. See how patient He is with her, even though she makes such a mess. He patiently takes time to sanctify her, removing wrinkles, spots, blemishes, sins... Oh, how He gives Himself for her! (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Now, you, husband, should love your wife the same way. Patiently, giving yourself for her sanctification. You say that you just want happiness and peace... well, which is better, to obey God and suffer for it, or disobey God for the sake of fleeting pleasures? (Hebrews 11:25) Besides, he who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28). Meditate on that.

If you can't react the right way to your wife's attitude, you need to pray for strength to hold your tongue. You can do it, because by faith you have overcome the world. (1 John 5:3-4)

Now, you may want to listen to Keith Daniel's testimony in this message: http://www.sermonaudio.com/playpopup.asp?SID=79077113

May God grant you strength to stand up under this great trial.

In Christ Jesus,
Renoncer

hi, i have learned through much failure in my life to just worry about what i do and give no thought to anyone elses response. you keep on loving and showering blessing upon her even when she is a livid witch or its rhyme.you are not responsible for her reaction,but you are to your actions.it is fun.

It's a little early to consider divorce yet isn't it? Why not try Christian counseling first, so the counselor can act as mediator. If she refuses, tell her you are seriously considering leaving (as in a separation)--that might wake her up. Does she know all the details of how you feel and that you are considering divorce? She doesn't sound like a Christian, i'm guessing she's not saved. If that is the case it would be better for you if you make darn sure you are not the one to file for divorce, let it be her choice. For the Word says that if an Unbeliever wishes to depart then let them depart. If an Unbeliever departs of their own choice then you would be free to remarry. In the meantime, so that you can bare it, focus on the good qualities in her that made you marry her in the first place. But it is better to dwell in the corner of a housetop than with an angry and contentious woman, that is for sure. I wish you well and hope you keep us posted.

Aaron,

If you allow your emotions to guide your decisions in your marriage you will end up divorced and far more miserable than you are right now.

What you need now is to hear the voice of God, you need to get into the Bible and seek Him diligently for grace in your marriage. You need to cry out to God to fill you with His love for your wife. He will do it if you honestly cry out to Him, He is faithful.

You must begin by making time for Jesus each and every day to allow Him to begin to work this love into your heart. You must not let your emotions or any distractions move you away from this time that you devote to Him.

"Those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved." We tend to think of that verse as concerning only when we are first saved but it applies to every day of the Christian life. Call upon His name, pray without ceasing, He is worthy and every relationship in your life will benefit from it.

In Christ,

Ron

Do you know what the root of her anger is?

There is an opportunity here for the Lord to deliver your wife from the root.

Anger is the manifestation.

In Christ,
Sarah

Brother,
Only the Lord and yourself know the depth of your pain. As Trekker suggested, i would consider counseling.

Right now, you need someone or some people to come alongside you and 'hold up your arms' as you seek grace and strength from the Lord to enable you do right by both of you.

May the Lord lead you to the right person/people.

It is well with your soul, brother.

Please be encouraged by the words of the hymn below:

Through the love of God our Savior,
All will be well;
Free and changeless is His favor;
All, all is well.
Precious is the blood that healed us;
Perfect is the grace that sealed us;
Strong the hand stretched out to shield us;
All must be well.

Though we pass through tribulation,
All will be well;
Ours is such a full salvation;
All, all is well.
Happy still in God confiding,
Fruitful, if in Christ abiding,
Holy through the Spirit’s guiding,
All must be well.

We expect a bright tomorrow;
All will be well;
Faith can sing through days of sorrow,
All, all is well.
On our Father’s love relying,
Jesus every need supplying,
Or in living, or in dying,
All must be well.

i dont know what to do about it . i have tried to talk to her about counseling but she wont have no part of it. i have tried to talk to her about going to the doctor and seeing about her anger but havent made it there yet. i dont know what springs her anger it only takes somethin small. the verse in proverbs the brother wrote pretty much sums it up. there is no happyness or fun with this woman.

Aaron312,
What did your pastor say about it? Did you go to your church's leadership about this?

she wouldnt let me talk to them about it . if i did that it would for sure be my head

you can not change her so you change. do special things for her even when she does not deserve you doing anything.

Aaron312,

Keeping these things hidden will not help. I'm not saying you should tell everyone about it, but you must come before the authorities of the church and bring things in the light. That is the purpose of church discipline. Don't use it as a card or as a threat, just make the decision as the leader of the home (husband), and stand by it.

I know it's hard, but you must pray that God will give you the strength to do the right thing, regardless of how she acts.

In Christ,
Renoncer

Aaron, I realize your problem is a real one. There is no easy solutions, and there is a good chance things will not change or get better. And there may not be anything you could do to change the situation you are in.

I strongly recommend that you seek out a good Christian psychologist, who can administer tests that will determine what the roots of the problem between you and your wife actually are. Knowledge and understanding are tools you will need. Perhaps you know a Pastor who is thoroughly trained in Marriage counseling, or who can direct you to such a specialist.

I would think your wife ought to see a good Christian Psychiatrist. I recommend a psychiatrist because her problems may be chemical or physical.

It's good to pray, but action should follow prayer. And above all, do not blame yourself, unless you truly discover otherwise.

I do not think you will get any help on this forum, other than our prayers and some commiseration. We do not know you or your wife. But your problem is not uncommon.

May God Bless you and your wife, and heal your marriage. I pray in Jesus name. Amen

I love the Lord, but my marriage of 7 years is wearing me down. I lost my business, my health went bad, but with much prayer, my health was restored. My husband will not spend time with me, or do anything with me for that matter. Bottom line is that I'm tired. His rejection of me use to anger me in the past, but I have just accepted the fact that my husband doesn't love me. I believe he married me because I was finanically stable I could be wrong, but I don't know what else to think, when I say that I don't feel as if he loves me because of his action, he doesn't deny it, He just listens. With all the disharmony in our lives, I believe the situation we are in now, no money, is a result of division between us. I am willing to do it God's way, but my husband said that he thinks that we should split, but that he has to find an apartment, I'm not working right now, and bills are behind. Please pray for us.

by Dellaneice on 2011/9/15 21:19:45

"I love the Lord, but my marriage of 7 years is wearing me down. I lost my business, my health went bad, but with much prayer, my health was restored. My husband will not spend time with me, or do anything with me for that matter. Bottom line is that I'm tired. His rejection of me use to anger me in the past, but I have just accepted the fact that my husband doesn't love me. I believe he married me because I was finanically stable I could be wrong, but I don't know what else to think, when I say that I don't feel as if he loves me because of his action, he doesn't deny it, He just listens. With all the disharmony in our lives, I believe the situation we are in now, no money, is a result of division between us. I am willing to do it God's way, but my husband said that he thinks that we should split, but that he has to find an apartment, I'm not working right now, and bills are behind. Please pray for us."

Methinks someone is pulling the wool over our eyes. Are we being hoodwinked?

Brother Art, how do you think or question Dellaneice's testimony? Do you personally know her? Im just saying its mighty hard to judge such a thing especially not knowin the full story and especially reading over the internet. You simply can't make such a judgment.

For any that are struggling with their marriage its rough I know, sometimes my marriage experiences its ups and downs. Something that I have learned is this, It takes two to tango and two hands to make a sound. Meaning if your wife or husband is argumentative refuse to argue on their terms and over the petty things, this requires humility and thick skin at times.

My wife and I went to counceling that was Christian based and it helped out EMMENCELY! We found our biggest problem wasn't each other but 1 a Lack of Communications and 2 Not knowing our emotional hurts of the past and how to avoid triggering those hurts over and over again. A lot of times even in a good Christian home our parents can emotionally hurt us and there is a lack of healing and then we have our spouse unknownly come along and poke the wound or twist the knife thus opening up that can of worms all over again.

Humility and openness go a long way, try and put yourself in the others shoes and see it from their prespective. I remember reading once Men want respect and Women want to be loved, this I somewhat agree with because those two things are what we all need.

Bottomline of it all though is something we sometimes find hard to acknowledge and really come to terms with but its this We need each other, Man and Woman were made to be a team and if you aren't a team player it makes things difficult. I will be praying for both couples as I know where you are because I have been in similar shoes.

Aaron,

Mind if I get real personal here?

My mother was an angry woman. We children felt sorry for dad; I endured a lot of unnecessary grief. It pains me to read of other people's happy childhoods - things parents did with the children for fun. This was not our story.

Still - I am the child and she the parent and scripture teaches us we are to honor or parents - it is not conditional (Hey! this is in the ten commandments!).

Dad died in 2007, four years ago at the age of 80. When he died I was glad for several reasons: one, that he will no longer have to endure mom's criticisms and another that he will not get old and get Alzheimers like some of his brothers did.

Anyhow....

Dad was faithful. We children look at him with an immense amount of respect - not just because he was a dad but because of what he endured, taking it graciously. He was not perfect, not by a long shot, but not many men could endure what he did. He accomplished it only by the mercy and grace of God.

For some time afterwards whenever mom would talk about dad she talked with a lot of venom and anger, about how dumb he was in financial matters, etc...(He left her a wealthy woman.) However, after a while I think she realized there is a LOT of work in running a farm and that it is stressful.

Today. Mom's attitude has changed completely - a total of 180 degrees. She talks nice about dad. She will say things like "I think dad would like that.." She compliments me, praises me - something I never dreamed would ever happen. I can actually do something right! WOW! She is nice! I like to be with her, not just because she is mom but because she is nice!

My point, Aaron, is that dad's faithfulness in face of tremendous difficulty is a wonderful testimony to the mercy and grace of God. And mom did change against all odds against that ever happening. Statistically, it just doesn't, not as old as she is.

Others said you need to pray and that is excellent advice. You said you feel like leaving - no doubt you do. But remember you made that vow to God and you are responsible to uphold that vow - only God can release you from it.

On the practical level look for ways to please her. When my mom had knee replacement surgery, I love to recall how dad would sit in front of her and wrap her leg. Mom loved it and dad loved doing this for her. This is a precious memory - there are very few and this is one of them and it gives me lots of pleasure.

There is no way in the world you can stay faithful to the LORD and her apart from a close walk with HIM. Just know that your LIFE is totally dependent on this closeness. Stay there...

BTW, do you any clue what is fueling her anger? Unconfessed sin will do that. Did she have an abortion? (Sounds like it to me.) Is she a victim of sexual, mental, physical abuse? Immorality at any level? Given the spiritually sensitive nature of a female, these memories will evoke anger unless these things have been laid at the foot of the cross and LEFT there. If she is a victim of abuse or had an abortion she will need counseling by a caring, loving person who can lead her to forgiveness and heal the pain inflicted upon her soul.

God bless. And will pray for you.

ginnyrose