Bible4life:
I would have to agree and disagree with Krispy. First if all I think he is right in one very important respect, that being the need to go to the word of God for the answer to the struggle. While other's experience can be helpful, they are after all other's experience.
It seemed there was a great struggle with your own sense of righteousness and a whole lot of condemnation. You have not, unless I have missed it, mentioned that you had turned from God or were entertaining sin, but rather that you have been struggling and feeling more and more estranged and wicked. I know at times we go through times when we feel one way or another but our feelings are fickle, fallen, corrupt, and are not usually any indication of the truth of the matter. They are also easily manipulated by the enemy. When we are focused on our feelings we are focused on the flesh or in other words we are walking after the flesh and not after the spirit. What does the Word of God say about you as a born again believer?
Rom 3:21-26 But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets; (22) Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: (23) For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; (24) Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: (25) Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God; (26) To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.
Rom 4:4-9 Now to him that worketh is the reward not reckoned of grace, but of debt. (5) But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness. (6) Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works, (7) Saying, Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered. (8) Blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not impute sin. (9) Cometh this blessedness then upon the circumcision only, or upon the uncircumcision also? for we say that faith was reckoned to Abraham for righteousness.
Rom 14:17-18 For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. (18) For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.
1Co 1:30 But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:
2Co 5:17-21 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (18) And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; (19) To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. (20) Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. (21) For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
Php 3:7-9 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. (8) Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, (9) And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:
And on and on we can go. The point being that you have been made righteous by the blood of the Lamb of God. You did not do anything but repent and receive Christ to earn this righteousness and you are not going to arbitrarily lose it. (I am not talking about whether one can lose salvation at some point. That is not my point.) You are righteous whether you feel like it or not.
Being filled with the Holy Spirit is another thing. I gather that you are southern baptist. Names have long ceased to mean much to me but I am aware that there might be some doctrinal differences but I think this important enough to say anyway. There is a communion with God through the Holy Spirit through salvation and a seal until the day of redemption Eph. 4:30, and there is, I believe, a subsequent baptism in the Holy Spirit made plain in scripture. See Acts 2, Acts 19:1-6. The reason I mention this is that this subsequent baptism has been a source of invaluable strength, empowerment, and grace to me for the last 22 years. It is a source of inestimable joy and abiding Presence and peace.
However God desires to commune with you and to speak to you. I feel from your description that it sounds as if you are experiencing a time of great attack of the enemy. War with the word and with the Holy Spirit.
I have to disagree with Krispy in that the nature of the thorn Paul bore is plainly stated by Paul himself so that the opinion of theologians is not needed in my opinion. Paul says, "2Co 12:7-8 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. (8) For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me." Messenger is the Greek for angel. Paul plainly states it was a demon or demonic messenger who battled and buffeted him. He besought the Lord three times saying make it leave but God did not do this. Instead He allowed Paul to walk in His grace and have victory over this thing.
So lean in on God's grace. Accept His righteousness. Stand strong in the Word. God will give you victory over this enemy. His Grace is sufficient for you.
