At a crossroads

A question for those apt to answer.. I'm a believer for most of my life (33 now) and a full-on follower of 12 years.

The emerging "pattern" of my Christian life the last 12 years is not at all what I expected to see a decade ago. The first 4 years were full of hearing God and experiencing lots of wonders. The last seven--a dried, joyless, desert. In those first 4 years I learned to hear and know God's voice and it was a rather exciting and joyous experience at times. Among the various things spoken to me were a few life-altering words and revelations. I took these to heart and knew they were of God. One such spontaneous word during a time of prayer was that I would have a wife and family some day. Hearing something like that wakes you up and makes you think. That came over 7 years ago and also pretty much marked the last of the full/exciting Christian life. Coincidence? I don't know. The years became extremely hard spiritually and over time began to take their toll on me. I noticed that the life-altering words and revelations were not coming true and that this presented the greatest distress of my soul. God cannot break his word. Yet such a significant time has passed now and my soul dragging around a constant knot of unrest formed and hardened by so many years of 'attack'--I guess we could just say 'slaughter'-- that I feel unless God can prove his former words to me I have nothing left to prove my Christianity even to myself. I long to know how to perceive it all for my present state of nearness to God looks to me almost as it was before I began following Him 12 years ago. I've put down the Bible, most praying, and church, until I get some clear answer to all this from him. Doing any kind of religious discipline just bums me out too much. 7 years of waiting and being slaughtered will do that do ya. Perhaps I was delusional and lived in a fairy-land Christianity those years. Perhaps, as they say, nothing happens except by God's will, and there's some sense to all this I know nothing about. Feel free to ask any questions. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

hi

can i ask what was the gosple you believed

what denoniation did you hear this gosple at

was you conversion and years that followed ,connected to deep conviction of sin

can you honestly say that you trusted only in jesus christ

did yor early years result in miraculas repentance from sin ,,,were you set free from sin ,was it extremly obvious

maby i can help if you can give me some more insight

but friend there are people who can realy help you here , so dont give up yet ,,but on the contrary,,,begin to expect that you will find some peace come to you soon

god has not led you here for no reason

Matt

Just reading your message I would guess you got religious. I wrote this with love I hope it helps you.

Religion
Origin: 1150–1200; Middle English religioun, to tie, fasten, to bind;

Jesus Christ said “My yoke is light.”

If you are burdened I would bet it is you piling on the weight, not God.

Notice the progression of the believer in Isaiah 40:31

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

At first the Word of God is exciting we are like a teenager with a new love. We fly like eagles!
Then we mature a little and we slow to a run.
Then the long haul, the life time walk.

I would strongly recommend you break out of the religious rut you are in. If Church sucks quit going, or find a different one. If you feel burdened by anything you are doing “For the Lord” quit doing it. He doesn't want it anyway if your attitude is lousy. Have you ever had someone do something for you that they resented doing? It kinda stinks. If you are doing something for the Lord it will be easy and not a burden. It may be hard or tiring but you will enjoy doing it.

If you don't have an MP3 player like an Ipod , get one. They sell cheap ones at Walmart. Download Chuck Smiths Bible 2000, J. Vernon McGee's Thru The Bible, or some other teacher that goes verse by verse through the whole Bible. Start a daily regime of Bible study, listen while you do other things like yard work or driving to work etc. TURN OFF THE TV. Make the Bible your hobby. Read the Bible as if it was only written by God to one person YOU and nobody else, because it was.

Start your study with the book of Job (J. Vernon McGee's study is excellent). Satan tells God that Job is a mercenary, he only loves God for the goodies. God is not worth loving unless he “buys” that love. “Let me touch him and he will curse you to your face”. Has Satan touched you? Job didn't get to read Chapter One and had no idea what was happening to him.

Develop a prayer life. God wants fellowship not servitude.

You have been placed in a really crappy world as a gift from God. The refiner places the gold in the fire to remove the dross, not to destroy the gold but to purify it. How does the refiner know it is pure? When the gold reflects his image like a mirror. The only time we notice a mirror is when it is dirty. Are you acid proof? The test is acid. Are you manure proof? The test is the cesspool.

YOU are to be that one person everyone can turn to in this wicked, heartless, cruel world. YOU are to be the pillar for others to lean on. YOU are to be a light in this darkness. You WILL be mocked, ridiculed and attacked. Disease, poverty and persecution are always possible. So what? You have eternal life paid for by the precious blood of Jesus Christ and you can't lose it. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT? That and a million dollars then you will know God loves you?

When you get to Heaven and stand before Christ will He say “Depart from me I never knew you.”

This is a one time shot, no second chances. When you get to Heaven and find out it is real you won't be allowed to go back and do it over. God wipes away all the tears in Heaven. Why are they crying? One reason may be that they realize what they wasted. Have you ever saw the end of the movie Schindler's List? He breaks down crying because he could have saved more people but didn't.

Matt come on! Time is short, the battle is hot and we have God on our side! Joshua and Caleb couldn't wait to get at those giants everyone else feared. What giants do you face?

Craig

Not sure about being religious..
I have always delighted to serve, read, pray, etc. But it seemed to become so fruitless.
I've studied the Bible through several times. Been to seminary, but dropped out after a year because it stunk and was too expensive. Haven't been a part of a church for the last year precisely because of the religiosity and burdens. I've led ministries, started groups, tried to plant a church, etc. etc, because I really wanted to. I really looked forward to the joy of being able to serve God in those ways but everything turned out to be a dead end with little or no fruit whatsoever, and an incredible drain on me. I figured God didn't want me doing any of those things so I quit and now I'm doing, basically, nothing...a decade ago I believed he spoke to me that I would be some sort of pastor. I believed it for a long time, but not so sure I believe that any more. I feel in no shape for such a thing.

Wow, Matt!
Just got here myself, looking for more Paris Reidhead sermons, thought I would drop by the forum- there you were singing a song I recognize too well! You write with eloquence and honesty as you pursue a God that is more real than the one you have been served. You are on that desert island that none of us like, tired of the stuff that while it appears to satisfy some, doesn't satisfy me!

One thing that I have come to believe through this kind of internal pain is that God wants me in a relationship that is unique in all the universe, and that it will become so real that nearly every moment of every day is filled with Him. The "God is awesome" crowd doesn't understand this kind of relationship.

And it's always a little scary that no one has an answer for you!

My friend Rich screamed out his prayer through his tears on a dark road one night,

"God! Where the He** are You!!?"

He was listening... and it didn't take long for some revelation.

Not worried about self-esteem. Just the joy.
I know the Bible very very well. I know the promises. I think especially of the ones regarding joy. I've understood the theology of pain, trials, suffering, etc. and know one must endure and persevere and I did that, waiting patiently for the Lord, and before I knew it I turned my head and saw that a whole lot of years have passed, practically devoid of joy. I came to the conclusion that this was God's purpose--it was his will that I should be brought low for so long. But really? I'm questioning that now. Any Christian I talk to doesn't find that right at all. I never went astray and buried myself in sin. If I have, I'm ignorant of it. The Word tells me "Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." Jo 16:24. I can't help but ask at this point, is that really that case, at least for me? He refuses, and my years waste away like Job's.

I have done like Rich many times over the years..and have even found myself extremely angry with God and have surprised myself by it because I know its completely stupid to be angry with God. Anyway I've come here because I've been a patron of sermon index since the beginning and have listened to countless sermons through this site. I know that the substance and 'community' offered here is far more authentic than the rest of the pop-christian web out there and so I trust if anyone has solid advice out there this would be the place to find it. Who knows?

Hi Matt,

Like you, I have partaken of the fruits of this websites without ever really participating, but your post has grabbed my attention especially this:

"that I feel unless God can prove his former words to me I have nothing left to prove my Christianity even to myself."

Please clarify me if I am wrong and I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you hanging whatever you may have with God or your "Christianity" on the scales of these unanswered and "former words" of God?

-Vanessa

Well congrats Matt, you've done in just 12 short years what no man has been able to do for generations, you've proven God unfaithful. Guess we can all just pack it up now...

In Christ,

Ron

hi, iknow the bible really well... thats nice... wish you knew the God of the bible real well for the joy is in knowing Him.years ago in sunday school, the teacher had his oldest son come in and testify about working with his father and how demanding he was but that he knew that he was loved. the older son left and the younger son came in and ran up and jumped in his daddys arms anddraped himself around the teachers neck. this was the demo of what i am talking about.jimp

Good morning, Matt,

I think maybe God likes it when His kids are gutsy enough to express anger, He has their attention. Like when you make a decision for your own young children that are for their good and safety- and get a blast of their anger. Every good parent goes through that.

I can't get away from the passage in Matthew where Jesus says to the ones being judged, "I was hungry and you fed me..." and the other parts of those verses. And with each part, the hungry, the naked, the thirsty, and the in prison- the person can't recall seeing Jesus in those situations. But they did the deeds and Jesus saw it all.

Our traditional view of persons being saved is whether they have accepted Christ as personal savior. I don't argue with that. But what Jesus seems to be looking for at the judgement is the works that show that you are like Him. As Reidhead says, He is looking for Himself!

I am not very good at doing church. I attend a big fancy church that is known across the country. I give money there, and go on Saturday nights so that Sunday morning I'm free to hit the streets. I love the adventure of those weird but free encounters with people who are totally screwed up and have unbelievable ideas about Jesus. But feeding them, clothing them, and being Christ to them is deeply satisfying.

In my little motorcycle "gang" of old duffers we adopt starving military families, give cash to the widows of murdered Border Patrol agents- stuff like that. Sometimes we get a chance to pray with people, many times not. But for me, it's just knowing that Jesus is in me, watching, loving, doing. I have come to love what He loves, and I am free from thinking I have to do all the work. Maybe He has left some for you...??

One of the most important things I have learned about sharing the gospel is to first get permission. But I also have a little trick to see if there is an open door.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

I am yet to hear someone say no to that. Then I just ask where they are spiritually. The first few words out of their mouth will let me know if there is a door there or not.

I see that you have drawn some interesting responses to your original post. Thank you for letting me join in the conversation!

Matt,

Your post was compelling enough that I felt I had to respond, I have been here reading for years, but rarely post....

Matt, the crossroad is not a bad place, it may be the end of your 'self'. God often takes his own into the desert, the wilderness, the crossroads for extended periods--and you already know these examples: Noah (tell me that building an ark for decades to the criticism of everyone around him was not a wilderness), Moses--40 years, Abraham (kill your son?), Isaac (the wrestler), Jonah (not sure how things worked out under that tree), Paul (seems he was often in jail), and I could go on--but you already know these.

The question is, where else is there to go? Job said, "even if He slay me...." Matt, if not God, where else???

You are His, bought with a price. You are his workmanship, the clay. Let the potter have His way with you in humble surrender.

His love and mercies are unconditional. He has not and will not forget you--you are written on His heart. How could the One who died for you, forget you??

You have our prayers....

Matt, thank you for sharing honestly. I found a couple of the responses you got here heartless, please don't let it discourage you, it was probably meant to make you think.

I have had a similar walk with the Lord: several years of great closeness, receiving teachings and visions from the Holy Spirit and then it all just dried up. I spent years repenting of everything I could possibly think of, begging and pleading with the Lord to "return" to me though I knew (and sometimes hoped)he hadn't actually left. Eventually I came to the point of surrendering everything to Him, including the "right" to have him prove Himself to me and shower me with His love at my request.

Matt, if you know that there is no persistent sin in your life in which you are resisting Him, then God might be testing you. The right response is to hang in there like a bulldog. Tell Him that you will believe and love and serve Him no matter how you feel, no matter what He allows into your life, no matter if it kills you. Take your eyes of yourself and look to Jesus, praise and thank Him all day long for who He is, for what He has done, for what He will do. Read Galatians 2:20 every day and ask the Lord to make this a reality in your life. Expect it not to be easy.

Matt, when the Lord lays hard tests on a man He is honoring that person. He trusts that you will not fail and abandon Him and so you will bring glory to His Name because you loved him even when He gave you no human reason to do so. Look to Job as an example of what I'm talking about. As far as God's promise of a wife, remember Abraham who had to wait for the promise until it seemed past all possibility. God not answering you in seven years does not mean He forgot about it, but you must come to the point where you will not turn from Him even if He never gives you a wife. He is worthy of all of your love and trust without ever proving it to you. Never turn away, Matt, never turn away, He is your life.

May He bless you richly in His time.

Well said, SolaV.

There is another thread that talks about praying difficult prayers. Like when Paul so publicly wrote that he wanted the fellowship of Christ's sufferings to accompany the good things he'd also received.

One of my favorites is a prayer attributed to Charles Finney:

"God if I can serve you best in Hell, send me there."

Like the imagined question in the Heavenlies one day,

"Wow, these people We've created are full of sin. Who will go and provide a death by which We might save them?"

"I'll go, Dad..."