How to handle this situation?

About a week ago my sister sent me a picture of herself. She had died her hair black. She wanted to know what I thought of the color and how it suited her. She said she really liked the way it turned out and was happy with it. I felt terrible because it did not look very flattering. The color was very dark and she being pale in complexion looked sickly. I know she wanted me to give her an honest answer but I wanted to be considerate of her feelings. I ended up telling her that I thought it was a nice color and that if she was happy with it that was all that matter. I now feel like I lied to her and I am not sure now how to go back and tell her the truth. I do not want to hurt her feelings but I do want to be honest with her??? She deserves me being honest and more so I do not want to sin against the LORD with this lie any longer.

How does someone tell another person something they don't want to hear about their appearance? I know I must first confess to having lied to her and ask her to forgive me but what do I say gently to her concerning her hair??

God Bless
maryjane

I would suggest that you ask her about why she choose to die it black. Find out what is ticking within her and then offer her your opinion of why you don't think it is her color.

You can't make her not do it but you can offer her reasons why it doesn't look good on her.

Thank you for your reply to my post. Her normal hair color is very light brown so the black is a drastic change for her. She did say she is trying to cover her gray hair. She is getting more grays now and unhappy with it. She can be extremely sensitive about her appearance, that is part of the reason I was not more forthcoming with her to begin with. I know I took the easy way out in this situation, the one that was easiest for me and I am sorry for that. I want to make this right with her regardless of what she decides to do with her hair in the end. If she chooses to keep the color that is fine I just want to give what she asked of me an honest loving answer. Just not sure how to do that knowing she is very sensitive about these kinds of things???

Thank you again
mj

If her hair is naturaly light encourage her to look for something in a slightly darker tone. Sounds as if she is going too drastic in order to stay 'younger' looking. Maybe she needs a little guidance. I know women can be very critical in the way they want to appear in front of others.

Don't be too dramatic with this either.

Hi,
Speaking the truth in these kind of situations is a serious challenge.
Nevertheless, truth should be spoken.

Don't be blunt... but perhaps you can say something like "Oh... this looks so different on you. I prefer the way it was before." or "If I were you, I would have left it the way it was."

Personally, I have always found it a challenge to speak plain truth always. But I always regret later for telling lies or flattering. Speaking the truth in love is something we just have to do. We need to learn to "be slow to speak/respond". God help us.

It is indeed tough to tell someone a truth that can be hurtful.

I remember I requested my fianceé to remove some hair above her mouth earlier this month. I didn't really care about it, but I, for some reason, was thinking of the wedding day and the hairdresser she would be going to. What if the hairdresser said: "We must remove this small amount of hair above your mouth for your wedding! Hasn't your husband told you to remove that? He wants you to, but he hasn't told you. He's not being open with you dear!"

So I told her, but I started with asking her if there was something she was afraid to tell me that she could think of. But she couldn't, at the moment. Then she asked me back, and I answered with that. It was kind of funny to mention why I said it - but anyhow, it's great to have an "open channel" about such things aswell.

Maybe you should tell her that you're not comfortable with saying the truth, but you'll tell her anyway. And I liked DEADn's approach of asking "why did you do it?" That, I guess, could lead to a deeper conversation.

God bless you MaryJane :)

- Svane

I agree with you Svane & DEADn. Being direct is best. It needs courage. Pray and ask God for the courage. After all you are doing it out of love.

Maybe you could say to her that her natural hair colour that God gave to her looks much nicer.

Mary Jane,

Our generation has been so conditioned to think that one should never tell another that what they did is unflattering lest they be hurt. As a result we have lied - too many times, or at least given a false impression - and this is sin for us to do. For a long time I have been convicted of this, but am at a loss to know how to answer questions that well, are in sharp disagreement with the questioner. Like last night: a girl decorated her cloth bag with paints, etc. After she was done - she never asked me for advice before - she asked if I thought it was pretty? I could not tell her I thought it was ugly, could I? (And the definition of pretty and ugly will vary with individuals.) I said, "you had fun, did you not?" She repeated the question and I did like wise with my answer. Not sure if it was the best but what else should I have done?

Now, back to your question. Seems to me your answer would have been simple! You could tell her you think her original hair color looked nicer! And you still could tell her so. (Frankly, when older women dye their hair black, it looks so unnatural that to me it is ugly. But this is my opinion.)

God bless.

ginnyrose

God bless you dear Sister, for your tender spirit and contrite heart.

Lot's of good advice so far...

I think you will find that a heartfelt confession of repentance will ultimately work more grace in your sister's heart than five whole sermons.

Such are the Christians; who with anguish of soul will suffer much at the hands of men, rather than offend their Lord in the least thing whatever.

I'm praying for you and your sister ma'am.

Be well in the Lord.
Doug

Thank you for all the wonderful responses. I will be praying about this first before I speak with my sister. She does not live near me so I will have to write her an email or call her up and speak with her. I know she does worry about how she looks, she has received a lot of put downs from her husbands family over the years so she does try to look her best. I think I will ask her what her husband thinks of her new hair color and see if the Lord gives an opening there. But first I really want to pray on this and follow the Lords leading. I do think being slow to speak or respond is a lesson that I really need to apply in my life.

God Bless
mj

Maybe once the situation is resolved. . .once you've come to a gracious and kind way of telling her the truth. . .and once she is not sensitive about it. . .show her this thread. Maybe she might value your dedication to the truth. . .and to her feelings in love for her.

God bless!

This young lady’s hair question may very well conceal more vulnerable yet more pressing questions: Do you love me? Are you a safe person with whom I can disclose my fears, my insecurities, etc? Are you going to reject me?

At this point it may be best to avoid getting sidetracked by the hair question, and simply validate her as a person you respect and honor. Perhaps you can ask her about other aspects of her life: schooling, friends, her favorite musicians, etc. As trust grows, you may find her sharing more deeply, and then you can minister and encourage at that level.

Diane

I did call my sister and we talked only breifly. She was sick and not feeling well. She has some chronic health issues. I did ask her about how others have reacted to her hair and how her husband liked it? She said everyone really loves it. She said her husband thinks it really looks great and that he likes it so much better then the color she was dying her hair before.(she was coloring her hair a reddish color) She said all of her friends are telling her it looks so nice and she should keep this color and not go back to the red...guess I was wrong about how people would react to her. I did not get a chance to speak with her more about it because she had to go but we will be talking again soon and I am not sure what the Lord will have me say to her....

God bless
mj

Hello Diane

Thank you for the response. I appreciate what you shared with me but I do know this person very well. She is my actually sister so we have been close through the years. Perhaps not as close as we once were though(something for me to consider and pray about)

I have been praying about this for some time now and I do think you are correct in saying that this does go to a deeper level then just her hair color, at least for me. I do believe it touches on being honest and really learning to love another person even if that means saying somethings to them they might not want to hear from me. I realize that I have a pattern of holding back my true feelings and what the Lord has laid on my heart where this sister is concerned. She has been sick for a long time, she has health issues. Some are very real but some have been overly exaggerated so that many in the family know she is a bit of a hypercondriac. She as a very deep need to have the attention on herself and everything is always much worse then it really is. Its hard to share with her because she is so sensitive, I do not want to hurt her and yet I know the Lord is leading me to be more open and honest with her about many different things. The hair color is just the latest issue of me attempting to spare her hurt feelings, but maybe I am the one with the issue thinking I need to protect her but really am just being a coward???

Things for me to be seeking GOD on for sure. Thank you and everyone for taking the time to respond.

God Bless
mj

but maybe I am the one with the issue thinking I need to protect her but really am just being a coward???

Insightful self-awareness! It seems natural for many of us to get pulled into another person’s emptiness, and feel we need to fill it. Freeing her from the need for approval may be the best gift you can give her. I wonder if you would do that best by simply not offering any judgment on her hair at all - and absolve yourself from that role in her life.

Diane