Should I Marry Someone Because Of Outward Beauty?

sermonindex Dec 6, 2011

Dear saints,

In response to the clip by Paul Washer/Tim Conway: I believe this very important subject should be handled with delicacy and in a concise and succinct manner, especially given the current trend of divorce in the U.S. I cannot think of a better book to encourage the young believer before and during a godly courtship then a book written by Glenn Conjurske "Always Ravished with Love: A Treatise on the Nature and Necessity of Romantic Love as the Only Possible Basis for a Good Marriage." See the book at the following link and a quote below:
http://straitegate.com/christianissuesfolder/alwaysravishedwithlove.htm

"God says, ‘‘Rejoice with the wife of thy youth, ... and be thou ravished always with her love.’’ (Prov. 5:18-19). This is not a picture of drudgery or misery, nor a picture of unsatisfied longings, but of complete satisfaction. This is God’s design for marriage.

And not only is this the design of God. It is also the dream of the whole human race. But it is a dream which is too seldom realized. Why is this? I believe one of the main reasons is just this, that you cannot be always ravished with a love which does not exist. I believe that most people who marry in our day are not in love when they marry. They likely never have been in love, and do not know what it is to be in love. They may have some strong romantic or physical desires towards their partner, but those desires are not love. Every man is in love with femininity, and I suppose every woman is in love with masculinity. Such love may give them strong desires towards any and every attractive person of the opposite sex, but it is another thing altogether to be in love with a particular person. And let us be very clear here: love is the only thing which can make a satisfying marriage. And I am not talking about spiritual love, nor about friendship, nor about brother-sister love, but about romantic love. I am talking about the love which can only exist between masculine and feminine souls, and which is based upon the mutual attractions which naturally exist between masculine and feminine natures. That love, I repeat, is the only thing which can secure a satisfying marriage.

But there are some very dangerous doctrines afloat in the church concerning this love. Some hold that it is unnecessary, or transitory, or deceptive, so that it is not worth troubling yourself about it. Others hold that it is some way tainted or polluted, and call it by the debased name of ‘‘lust.’’ What is needed, they say, is divine or spiritual love. Others teach that ‘‘love is a choice,’’ or ‘‘love is a decision,’’ and that any man may thus love any woman, if he simply chooses to do so----and whenever he chooses to do so. If he does not love her today, he may choose to do so tomorrow. Others teach that this love is to be experienced only after marriage----that it is impossible, or that it is wrong, to feel or possess it before marriage.

Now I am bold to say that all of these doctrines are false, and not only false, but very pernicious, for wherever these doctrines are believed and acted upon they will fill the world with unhappy and unsatisfying marriages..."

"I repeat, then, when I speak of close contact, I do not refer to physical contact. Love is not secured by physical contact. Love is not a union of bodies, but a union of souls. The union of male and female bodies you may have without one molecule of love. The one thing absolutely necessary to fall in love is to know the soul of your partner. The soul is the real self----the personality----the unique individuality. Man is a soul, who has a body, and has a spirit. All three are of immense importance in marriage, but the soul is supreme. I now proceed to examine in detail the place of each. I begin with the soul. You are a soul, and when you fall in love, you do not fall in love with a body, but with a soul----with a person. Mutual love is a union of souls, or personalities.

Romantic love consists of feelings of attraction and delight between persons of the opposite sex, feelings which are based upon their difference in sex, feelings which they cannot feel towards a person of the same sex. Every human being is like a magnet, having within itself a power of attraction, and around itself an aura of attraction, capable of drawing to itself the opposite pole of another magnet. When two such opposite magnetic poles come close enough together, each exerts its own drawing power upon the other, until they are drawn together and united as one, held together by nothing other than the powers of attraction which by nature lie within themselves. This is how people fall in love." (Conjurske, 2001).

J

jimp Dec 6, 2011

hi, dear sold out, there were no love marriages in the bible for all marriages were arranged as they are in the east till this time. a wonderful movie or play is fiddler on the roof... the story is all about your question and about the tradition of the jewish people. as a very old man , i see love as something that you can choose to do.jimp

S

Sree Dec 6, 2011

But there are some very dangerous doctrines afloat in the church concerning this love. Some hold that it is unnecessary, or transitory, or deceptive, so that it is not worth troubling yourself about it. Others hold that it is some way tainted or polluted, and call it by the debased name of ‘‘lust.’’ What is needed, they say, is divine or spiritual love.

Dear Poster,

Divine love is not a fault doctine.
Romantic love that is described by you, no matter whatever attraction it is, it can NEVER sustain a marriage. Some unbelievers have an externally successful marriage based on the romantic love alone that you have described. But am sure it is only external success, internally there will be many hidden unfaithful deeds even after marriage.
True purpose of Marriage can be realized between a husband and wife by Divine love alone. A love that connects each other through Christ. Christ should be their bonding. Human love always come with limitations no matter how romantically it is involved.

God's purpose of marriage is not to unite two people who match each other exactly in everything. But to unite people who complement each other to bring perfection. So there will never be 100% agreeing perfect couple in this world who match each other in every aspect. So there will always be differences resulting in disturbance, but when Christ is the bonding factor we do not see the differences but instead appreciate the good thing in other that is lacking in us and accept the lack in others that is present in us. Together we become full.

God's word says nothing is possible by men, which means even loving his wife or sustaining his marriage is not possible by him, but with Jesus by his side everything is possible by him.

Even in my own life, I was seeking the girl whom I know in my Church for more than 2 years and also know her personally. We understand each other very well and I had the true romantic feeling for her as described by you. I started praying for marring her and she did the same. But more I prayed I started getting attracted by other women who tried to be close to me. I felt temptations in this area which I never felt before I started praying for my marriage. I was so confused by this reverse movement, and then I realized the truth. God is breaking me to let me know that even though I have a strong romantic feeling for her, I cannot be a good lover without his power. Once I was broken in this area, everyday I woke up praying that I need his grace to love her with Divine love that never fades, and guess what I immediately overcame all these external temptations that I faced and soon got a word from God for my wedding. Now I am married to the same girl. Still everyday I wake up with this same prayer for his grace to be a faithful husband for her.

S

savedman Dec 6, 2011

I think think there are a few simple steps forthis long journey called marriage what I did was was pray and pray till the lord said go for it you will get an answer. Outward appearance is huge let's be honest but she must be beautiful inward above all else you should make sure you have similar outlooks on life and your walk with God Paul told us not to be partakers with unequally yoked I pray the lord leads you to the right decision as Christians we're failing in our marriages God bless you my brother

S

savedman Dec 6, 2011

I think think there are a few simple steps for this long journey called marriage what I did was was pray and pray till the lord said go for it you will get an answer. Outward appearance is huge let's be honest but she must be beautiful inward above all else you should make sure you have similar outlooks on life and your walk with God Paul told us not to be partakers with unequally yoked I pray the lord leads you to the right decision as Christians we're failing in our marriages God bless you my brother

C

ccchhhrrriiisss Dec 6, 2011

If a large rationale behind who you choose to marry is based upon what someone looks like, then you will eventually end up disappointed. After all, the woman that you choose will age. Often rapidly. They will eventually grow old. A woman at 34 doesn't look like she did at 24. And, of course, a woman at 44 doesn't look like she did at 34.

Unfortunately, many people consider outward beauty as a major factor when choosing a spouse. This is true even when they don't say it...and, sometimes, when they don't even realize it.

The average life span of a marriage has shrunk considerably. The greatest number of divorces take place within the first three years...or at around the 10-12 year mark. There have even been books written about "the ten year itch."

Why ten years? This is often the span by which a spouse notices two things: 1.) The financial and social direction of the family unit; and, 2.) The change in the spouse's physical appearance.

I saw a poll about how many men have either cheated with another woman and/or how many have begun viewing pornography (cheating in the heart/mind) and the numbers are shocking. While it isn't generally "acceptable behavior" (despite what the media has tried to convey), there is something to be said about the link between a large number of men who "love" with the eyes more than the heart.

I am always thankful that my dad gave me some great advice. He told me, "Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without."

The Scripture is clear that "beauty fades" (Proverbs 31:30-31). It is inevitable in this corruptible world. If a large portion of your motivation for marriage is based upon temporary beauty, then the marriage is based upon corruptible "sinking sand" (or sagging skin).

Now, I am not saying that you can't be attracted to your wife. I love my wife. I love what she looks like. However, my attraction for her is based on far more than just her appearance. She is lovely...and even takes efforts to remain that way. She takes care of her skin, weight, etc... However, I am attracted to her when she is not at her physical best. I love waking up next to her. I love her when she is under the weather. Why? My love is not based upon the fleeting appearance of our youth.

I had a professor friend when I was an undergraduate student. He knew that I was a Christian and held me in high esteem. One day, he asked me to help him with an issue. He was undergoing surgery and needed someone to help him out. He asked me to stay with him for a few days. I agreed. I found out that he was "getting work done."

Why?

He explained that he had divorced his Christian wife years ago. He had cheated on her. After going from young woman to young woman, he eventually began living with a young graduate student (who happened to be younger than his own children). He proposed to her during a trip overseas (a gift for her graduation) and she accepted. A few months later, he flew to attend his son's graduation from law school. Upon his return, he found out that this girl had been cheating on him with a young man. She decided to move in with the young man.

At this point, this professor was desperate to "get her back." He had a liposuction, skin rejuvenation, hair plugs and other things done to improve his appearance. He spent many thousands of dollars on this. It didn't work. While his waist size went from 42 to a 34 and some of his wrinkles disappeared, the girl never returned.

One day, I was assisting with an event at the university for which he was an event administrator. He asked me to go to the store with him. He told me, "I should have never divorced my wife. I don't know what I was thinking." He went on, "She [my wife] was getting older. After she gave birth to our children, she didn't look like she did when we were married. So, my eyes strayed to young women who looked like my wife just before we were married." I was surprised by his candor. He told me that neither wife -- nor the girl that he had lived with for two years -- would ever take him back. "I ruined my life," he confided.

Then, he surprised me. He offered me advice. He said, "A man is not supposed to be with a much younger woman. It will never work out. A man must also not base his love for his wife on what she looks like. If he does, his love will fade with her appearance." He went on, "Make sure that you truly love her before you decide to marry her."

His advice sort of reminded me of the retrospective advice of old King Solomon in Song of Solomon. He had royally messed up the end of his life. He was likely to live with that regret for the rest of his life.

Anyway, I apologize for the length of my post. However, I would urge any young man or young woman to avoid the same mistakes by so many people in this world. Don't ruin your life or old age by marrying a woman based largely upon her appearance. Rather, let God LEAD YOU to the right decision about a person. Otherwise, your heart, mind and eyes might stray -- even if you think that you "love" your wife.

Those temptations -- young women, pornography, etc... -- will never go away. They are always waiting at the door. So, you must be spiritually, mentally and thoughtfully fortified so that you are unreachable by their arrows.

You will never regret marrying the right person...for whom your love is sincerely and completely based. It prevents me from ever considering to stray. Last year, I bought a magnet for my wife and placed it on our refrigerator. It was from an old Robert Browning poem (not very spiritual, I know): "Grow old with me! The best is yet to be." By God's grace, I look forward to growing old with my wife.

L

Lysa Dec 6, 2011

Soldout2Him,

Derek Prince married two women because the Lord told him both times who to marry. And on the second time, it was the Lord who told him to marry Ruth, a divorced woman. There are many who question that decision but her divorce was biblical and he did not commit adultery by marrying her; instead he obeyed the Lord and his ministry was blessed beyond measure!

I do not know if he was ‘attracted’ to these women as the world counts ‘attractiveness,’ but he had a relationship with the Lord that He actually trusted the Lord to make these decisions (over himself making them)! Imagine that!

He wrote a book, “God is a Matchmaker: Seven Biblical Principles for Finding Your Mate.” http://www.amazon.com/God-Matchmaker-Biblical-Principles-Finding/dp/0800795032/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323193517&sr=1-12

God bless you,
Lisa

sermonindex Dec 6, 2011

Dear Sree,

You obviously have not read the whole book which is found at the link I attached. Glenn was a goldy man, had a godly marriage and a godly wife. Please take the time to read the book before you pass judgement.

Kind regards.

"Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness" (Ecclesiates 10:12-13).

S

Sree Dec 6, 2011

Dear poster,

Please take the time to read the book before you pass judgement.

I never judged you. I shared my life experience (testimony) as an example that the need for divine love in marriage is not fault doctrine. No matter what any man says, I will believe what God showed me, by Human love a man cannot sustain marriage in a Godly way.

sermonindex Dec 6, 2011

Dear Sree,

I did not say you were judging me, I was referring to the book and asking you to give the author a chance to state his whole case without taking a few paragraphs or sentences out of context while assuming you understood his reasoning. Further, he did not say that the need for divine love in marriage is false doctrine, that would be false doctrine. Again, please read the whole book and I hope it will bless you as it has blessed my wife and me.

Love in Christ's name.

M

MaryJane Dec 6, 2011

Sree

You wrote: Romantic love that is described by you, no matter whatever attraction it is, it can NEVER sustain a marriage.

____

I agree completely with what you said. Romantic love, especially the kind that the world attempts to force on everyone will never be enough to keep two people together. Marriage must be both parties submitting their lives to Jesus or there will be great difficulties, pain, and in many cases divorce. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you Sree for your post and sharing your testimony. I found it very encouraging.

I also agree with what another poster said, physical outward appearance will not last. The body ages and peoples appearance change, if that is the only thing that a husband is attracted to in his wife then I feel so sorry for the wife. Child bearing alone changes a women's appearance and not getting any sleep for days on end while baby is teething does not help either (smile)

God Bless you family
mj

sermonindex Dec 7, 2011

Since the question is regarding marriage and beauty, the answer is obvious, no.

If that is the reason for marrying someone because of how good looking they are, it's not a good recipe for marriage.

Beauty definitely plays it's part in the whole scheme of things, but there has to be a connection that bonds you together that causes you to want to marry.

If you can't stand to be without her and she without you,, it's a good indication that the chemistry is working.

I mean lets face it, if she talks your ear off and is loud and obnoxious, you'll be looking for ways to work late or make excuses to get out of date, even though she is gorgeous, be prepared for a marriage of agony.

A good example is my sister. She is knock out gorgeous, kindhearted, loving, sincere, and giving, everything that a man could want. But oh does she know how to talk. Talk your ear off if she could, and she'll dig and dig trying to get at answers that a man don't have, but she'll dig anyway. She's a divorcee.

G

ginnyrose Dec 7, 2011

QUOTE:
"physical outward appearance will not last. The body ages and peoples appearance change, if that is the only thing that a husband is attracted to in his wife then I feel so sorry for the wife. Child bearing alone changes a women's appearance and not getting any sleep for days on end while baby is teething does not help either (smile)"

:-)

Physical beauty is nice, whether it be feminine or masculine. But it does not endure unless your perception of beauty changes with your physical changes.

In reading the OP and the comments that follow, I suspect most are saying the same thing, just wording it differently. Love between a man and a woman is very mysterious. Perhaps that is why there is such a diversity of opinion concerning it?

(Chris, that professor of yours got smart too late, poor guy. But his perception was spot on, IMHO. Thanks for sharing that story.)

Just my thoughts...

J

Joyful_Heart Dec 7, 2011

Marry for one reason and only one. That is if the Holy Spirit is leading you to marry and to the person He is leading you to. Easy enough. With obedience all will fall into place and you will be blessed.

Seek Him first and His Kingdom first....

E

ET101 Dec 25, 2011

Soldout2Him; Thank you so much for the link to the book. I just finished reading it and I feel especially blessed. After praying about marriage, I sensed that God had led me to prepare - and this book comes in very good time.

Thank you!

sermonindex Dec 26, 2011

ET101: I am very glad it helped you, that was my intention in posting it. I have never read a book on marriage like Conjurske's and I hope someone will pick up the copyright someday and get it back on the book shelves.

May the Lord Himself guide you by His Holy Spirit into all truth and fill you with all spiritual wisdom, discernment and understanding as you seek His will regarding the lifelong commitment of marriage.

In Christ's name,

Kenneth Martin

O

OnwardUpward Dec 28, 2011

Thank you for the book. I was just concerned about the order. This guy says it's soul, spirit and body.
I read Zac Poonen's "Love, sex and marriage". In that he mentions that the order to go about when considering a life partner is spirit, soul and body.

sermonindex Dec 28, 2011

Hello OnwardUpward,

I think I get your point and I agree. However, notice that the author makes each the spirit and soul and body of an equal importance and harmony/oneness is the aim not order. You must have each of the three in common to have a successful marriage. Just as the scripture states: "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thess. 5:23). I believe the way he defines the importance of the terms and their connection in marriage achieved the desired effect on the reader especially through the words and their meanings. :)

I have not heard Zac's message on "Love, sex and marriage", but he is one of my favorite preachers so I will check it out sometime. Thanks.

Kind regards and God Bless You,

Kenneth Martin

O

OnwardUpward Dec 29, 2011

Dear soldout2him,

I think I get your point and I agree :) And what a glorious verse that is!
Btw, "Sex, love and marriage" is a book by Mr.Zac (and not a sermon). Below is the link.

http://www.cfcindia.com/web/mainpages/book_window.php?book=sex_love_and_marriage

Thanks.

S

savannah Dec 29, 2011

Go here young man...

http://illbehonest.com/Choosing-a-Wife-Beauty-is-Vain-Tim-Conway

Proverbs 31:30 Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.