confused?

Something has happened to my faith. I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm confused. I always used to believe that God was here to help me get through any situation. I "believed" he wanted to give me what I wanted. Now, I don't believe that anymore. I, somehow, came to believe that God is sovereign and I needed to just trust his love for me. Life is hard. Stuff happens to everyone. Now, I feel afraid again alot of the time. Maybe I never stopped being afraid. I feel really alone. My faith feels screwed up. I have no confidence that any of my dreams are ever going to come true. I can't figure out how to get back into joy. How do you have joy when all the yuck in life that you've been believing would be taken care of real soon, you suddenly realize you may have to put up with it for the rest of your life? I've come to believe that God doesn't want to stop my suffering, he wants me to know him through it. I think I'm somewhere between the two, and it hurts. I've been battling some old enemies like depression and hopelessness. Does anyone have a clue how to help me?

Hi Dian,Modern teachings on wealth and health leave much to be desired when we match them up with real life. Consider this passage; My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations. Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:2-4) Joy must not be confused with mere happiness. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. The word could be translated as 'glad' or 'gladness.' The disciples rejoiced when they were counted worthy to suffer for the Lord's sake. Yet, how was that possible? Because the Kingdom of God is not in meat or in drink, but in righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. Lets look at these things now. If we are a born again child of God we have repented and are walking in the Spirit. We have been justified by God Himself. Bro. Ron B. uses a great little definition of this justification in his Rora 2003 series and it is thus: God, Him say- me ok. If God says we are ok then what is there to fear? If you know that your sins are forgiven you have crossed from the greatest danger and means of depression and vexation imaginable. And as we walk in the Spirit we fulfill the righteousness of the Law keeping us at peace with God and allowing the Joy of the Holy Ghost that dwells in us to flow no matter what our circumstances. Look at the progression: righteousness then peace then joy. I made a statement in class once that if a man/woman knew their sins were forgiven beyond a shadow of a doubt they could endure literally anything in this life. They could face death with the widest grin on their face knowing that God had written their name in Heaven! I don't often quote modern lyrics but I think this one may be a good one to meditate on a bit:O right from the beginning God made me for His own.So He replaced my weak foundation and made Himself the cornerstone.When all was ready and in order He promised every day and hourHe'd be faithful to sustain me by His mighty power.ChorusNow, if I land in prison for calling on God's name.He will cause walls to crumble under the fervour of my praise.If for the cause of Christ I'm chosen to suffer death to prove my stand. I'll be ushered into glory let by God's own hand.BridgeEvery mountain, every fortress, every word that is not His will pass away.That is why I'm glad, for my hope is in the Lord.'Cause He gives a confidence that this world doesn't know.He's the Lord of all creation, and whatever the situation,I'm glad that my hope is the Lord ChorusI can be glad for my hope is in the Lord.'Cause He gives a confidence that this world doesn't know.He's the Lord of all creation, and whatever the situation,I'm glad that my hope is the Lord.God Bless,-Robert

Last night I downloaded some of the Freedom compilations. They have been a great encouragement to me today. I know that the key to true joy is in maintaining an eternal perspective. It has been a difficult journey for me, giving up this life, in trade for an eternal one. I hope I'm not acting like Lot's wife. I really don't want what's back there. Ya'll excuse me while I look stupid.

Dear Dian,That the Lord will touch your very soul this day.Never get tired of saying it, there is nothing so endearing to me than just plain honesty even when it is at it's gut wrenching most.Also am terribly not interested in pat answers and flat quick fixes. That there is so much "how to's" being promoted; "Jump through hoop "A", turn left, memorize this scripture, "JUST" believe, fall on your knees and.... Presto! Just doesn't work that way.My faith feels screwed up.I know sister, I know.Can still remember often times driving around (With the windows rolled up, of course) screaming,..."I am losing my mind!!" "None of this makes any sense, whatsoever!" "Am I insane?""Am I renewing my mind, or seriously losing it?""I JUST DON"T GET IT!"....It's been awhile and the possibilities and likelihood of changes are of course to be expected, but this has subsided... a going "through" it and out the other side, more tunnel's ahead? Surely. Will it be different? Hopefully. What I mean is, that everything that the Lord brings us through draws off the dross and seems to narrow the focus towards what is eternal and the temporal begins to fade and lose it's importance. Needs somehow always get met, dreams of our own making may fade and lose their importance and am apt to believe for our own very good, we don't know what we ask for/of often times, a lofty or 'good' idea to us could very well be our undoing. Starting to sound like I am now giving surface sentiments... No, it's heartfelt sister."Experience's may vary" has been a recurring theme in this cah-noggin of late and to try and press all the Brethren into similar doings by way of "this is that, so expect "A" to happen" is futile. God IS Sovereign and surely deals with each of us individually and corporately. Hopefully as the corporate body of believers is concerned this of which you are going through will cause a gasp to escape from us of heartfelt prayer for one of our own, that the Lord would give you the spirit of wisdom and that peace that passes all understanding. This too will end sister. Perhaps the Lord is rearranging your priorities and focus. He has promised to give us the desires of our hearts, but it seems that often our hearts need to be changed so that they begin to desire His desires.Bouncing off Robert's thoughts:I made a statement in class once that if a man/woman knew their sins were forgiven beyond a shadow of a doubt they could endure literally anything in this life. They could face death with the widest grin on their face knowing that God had written their name in Heaven! Think there is much in that, doubt I have ever fully dwelt on it. A tendency that has developed is to look at everything with the long range view and it's interesting how soaking in all the thoughts and words and voices from here and God's word gets down into your subconscious often unaware. Even writing this things are popping up..."What will this matter in ten years?" someone said.... "Seeing things through the lens of eternity" said another (Ravenhill?) They come to the surface now, but think they have become ingrained. "Nothing matters" or better "What does it matter,...Lord?" is a oft repeated prayer of late and what is meant is, what does it matter to YOU Lord? Is it worth my pining away at, if it matters to Him, then it matters to me, if not...have spent way too much energy on so many things that exhaustion and the shear weight of circumstances caused me to just "give up"...UNCLE! ;-) Let me be truly honest, still have vestiges of 'worrying' that need that blessed fork stuck in them, if anything I have gotten down to a science it would be that, wasn't called a 'worry-wart' growing up for nothing...Dear sister, all this rambling is just I guess whatever it is. A commiserating, a 'yes, I know what you mean' even if I could never really know what is felt in your experience. We can cry with you and out for you. But hopefully all this will bring you to that blessed end that is well summed up by one of our own and I received in our ongoing off-site conversations...But, before that, a parallel thought. Have seen most of my 'dreams' fall to the wayside, a lot of what I thought was important just fade away and you know what? I don't miss it, every thing's changing, not circumstantially, goodness if anything it's gotten worse! But inwardly...An example, had a dream last night about running into my previous long time girlfriend. In short it was 'real' in the sense of not having seen her in a long, long time. We embraced upon seeing each other and the tears were genuine, (unlike often times the real real reality). I woke up and the first thought I had was; "You are not that man anymore". That wasn't my thought, but the Holy Spirit I believe bringing it forth. It has become more and more a recurring theme....how different I 'feel' towards everything. Things still 'hurt', but they hurt differently. The emphasis has changed. My prayer dear sister is that the Lord will bring you to such a point where inwardly you will have a new kind of joy, altogether different than anything you have ever experienced, it may be a mere drop, but it is more than enough to deal with whatever comes our way. And now the promised quote, from our dear brother Ed (Gideons),(thanks brother, told you I was going to use this!)" As long as I have no agenda, I feel so free."In my prayers sister.

My, am I long winded or what? In the amount of time it took to download my brain, you had already responded; I know that the key to true joy is in maintaining an eternal perspective. It has been a difficult journey for me, giving up this life, in trade for an eternal one. I hope I'm not acting like Lot's wife. I really don't want what's back there. Ya'll excuse me while I look stupid.Interesting, you said it in a few short sentences...But for the latter part, hardly. Glad you shared this with us, another opportunity to show what we really are Dian...A peculiar people.Praise God. 8-)

I "believed" he wanted to give me what I wanted. Now, I don't believe that anymore.Not my will, but thy will be done. The death of the self life is surely an ugly process. I just pray that you come up on that altar of burnt offering and offer yourself.Romans 12: 1,2 (Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.) The flames sometime get hot as God purges away the dross. You said I've come to believe that God doesn't want to stop my suffering, he wants me to know him through it.It's through the fire that we get to know Him. I pray you continue to stay on the altar and that by doing that Jesus will meet you and encourage you.

The flames sometime get hot as God purges away the dross. And, Oh my goodness, the smell! I'm glad God finds it to be a sweet smelling savour, cause I don't. You all have truly encouraged me today. Thanks.I pray you continue to stay on the altar and that by doing that Jesus will meet you and encourage you.I don't plan to get off. I've heard of a place...I can't get it out of my head...something in the way He moves, attracts me like no other lover... ;-) Love Ya'll. Dian.

Hey, ya'll forgive me. Has anyone seen that blue pill? :-D Whatchu talkin bout? Chanin, you know.

Dian, yes i know full well. :)"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more.... "There is always a moment of decision in which we can choose to remain where we are or we can go deeper. We cannot understand all the implications of the decision, but we know it will cost us something. "There is no turning back." We will be held accountable for the Truth we have. To whom much is given, much is required. Some are unwilling to pay the price. But the ones who do are given no guarantees except one: they will know the Truth. The Blue Pill is easy. Take the Blue Pill and you can believe whatever you want to believe. This is where most people are. Those who take the Blue Pill will say, "My mind is made up, so don't confuse me with the Truth." Accepting the Red Pill is to want the Truth at all costs, even if it means sacrificing everything I have believed up until now, challenging all my paradigms, questioning all my teachers, examining everything I have ever experienced. Of course our first decision about Truth is based upon Who Jesus is. With that question settled many Christians are content, but Truth is living. Truth will continue to reveal Himself to us and around us for as long as we will allow it. What, after all, is Wisdom? Wisdom is the ability to see things from heaven's, and thus God's, perspective. Daily we must choose to take the Blue Pill of ignorant bliss or the Red Pill of seeing things as God sees them. It is a daily choice. You cannot be told, you have to see it for yourself. -C. BrogdenYou don't really want ignorant bliss do you??? I know it is tempting- has been for me before too. But deep inside, not only do you not want that- God won't let you. Amen?Love in Him, ChaninI Have decided To Follow Jesus--No Turning BackI have decided, to follow Jesus,I have decided, to follow Jesus,I have decided, to follow Jesus,No turning back, no turning back.VERSE 2Though I may wonder, I still will follow,Though I may wonder, I still will follow,Though I may wonder, I still will follow,No turning back, no turning back.VERSE 3Though none go with me, still I will follow,Though none go with me, still I will follow,Though none go with me, still I will follow,No turning back, no turning back!VERSE 4The world behind me, the cross before me,The world behind me, the cross before me,The world behind me, the cross before me,No turning back, no turning back!VERSE 5Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,,Will you decide now, to follow Jesus,,No turning back, no turning back!

Those who take the Blue Pill will say, "My mind is made up, so don't confuse me with the Truth." Accepting the Red Pill is to want the Truth at all costs, even if it means sacrificing everything I have believed up until now, challenging all my paradigms, questioning all my teachers, examining everything I have ever experienced. Those who take the Blue Pill will say, "My mind is made up, so don't confuse me with the Truth."The truth is confusing at times because it is unraveling a lie. This is a painful process: believing something for so long and then realizing it was wrong all along. Suddenly, you feel so vulnerable, so undone.Jesus said no one knows the Father except the Son and he to whomever the Son reveals Him. And the only way Jesus will reveal Him is, if you seek Him with your whole heart, no holds barred. That means, you are willing to be undone. I have been meditating on the story told in Jeremiah 18. God tells Jeremiah to go down to the potter's house and there he witnesses the potter working on his wheel. The vessel he was making turned out to be flawed, so he pushed it down into a lump and started over. This is how I feel. My thinking was wrong, so God has started over on me. I'm so thankful I didn't take the blue pill. Love you all. Dian.

Sister wrote:The truth is confusing at times because it is unraveling a lie. This is a painful process: believing something for so long and then realizing it was wrong all along. Suddenly, you feel so vulnerable, so undone.The next step is to begin rejoicing in the unraveling of the lie. You will begin to see the beauty that comes with understanding the truth. The truth frees you from the bondage of the lie. 1 John 2:27 But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you will abide in Him.The lesson I am learning currently is about simple faith. Listen to Him and rejoice!In ChristJeff

Hi Dian,How is it, that whenever I'm just peeking my head up out of a struggle, I look around and you're going through the same thing? My wife and I have been wrestling with God over the very issue of pursuing the truth in spite of being firmly aware of the fact that it will cost everything...even the right to comprehend the cost.Lately I have been reading Apostolic Foundations By Art Katz, in preparation for his visit to Australia in April. I have found many an answer within the page of this book, that have been aiding me to go from having an intellectual grasp on the idea of suffering leading one to God (aka James 1), and actually rejoicing in the midst of trials.I think personally, the Lord has been helping me to focus on "the journey toward a destination" as opposed to "the journey being an barrier from my destination". The former gets bogged down with the "present sufferings" as continual, ceasing only in death, while the latter sees on "light and present sufferings" that are conforming us into the image of Christ.I realise that everything that I'm saying can appaer to be a "mental flip" answer, but I guess I'm trying to instil a bit of hope, that I personally have been struggling with the whole "rejoicing in the midst of suffering" issue ever since back when we were discussing your obedience in the presidential election. The Lord has led me into many a dark place since then (mostly self-induced), without anyone who gets it, to really discuss with.At the end of the day, your comment about being "eternity conscious" is right on the money. The whole idea about "red and blue pills" can be a little deceptive, because of the frequency in this walk of thinking you're in "Zion" only to discover that you've been "plugged into the Matrix" all along. Tozer mentioned about the History of the church not being one of steady incline, but one of "peaks and troughs". I'm led to believe more and more that the same is true for the individual walk.Just know that God is good. Keep focused on the reward. If you can't focus on it, the maybe that could be an indictator that you may need to learn a bit about the reward. Just be assured, as long as there is "seedtime, harvest, summer, winter, day, and night", there will be cycles of death and ressurection, for without a death, there can be no ressurection.Keep focused on the prize. Read Paul (any and all of his writings). Like I said, for me, I found Katz' book a big help.All the best,Aaron