The single mother dilemma

I just want to say that I hope others will contribute to this thread who have experience of this situation and wisdom to share about it. My daughter is in this situation and to my mind managing a herculean feat without complaining, as if it were the most natural thing in the world -- because that's what the modern world seems to expect of women these days, single parenting being so politically correct and marriage being so trivialized. But there just has to be a heavy toll, both for her and the children. I don't live close enough to be a help and since she's not a Christian (yet?) she doesn't have a Christian perspective on parenting or whatever help a church might have to offer -- and I have the impression it may not offer much anyway. I've often thought that the church should give more attention to such situations but that's as far as I've gone on the subject. The world today destroys marriage and natural relationships and new believers come into the church in many states of crippled lives.

I was one of them myself some twenty years ago, not with the responsibility of children at that point but a single person who would have been lost in church without others taking the time to be encouraging. I was blessed to be taken under the wing of an older lady whose spiritual gift was obviously shepherding. She collected many of us and shepherded us through Bible studies and personal friendship and meals at her home and practical help with finances and whatever else she was able to provide as need arose. Among other things, she provided a refuge in her home for another friend who was having a nervous breakdown after her husband left her. I didn't realize how special and unusual she was until she moved away and I was truly on my own. Fortunately by then I had made other friendships.

Sorry to dwell so much on this since it's not the topic of the thread and single people may have problems but single women with children have even more. I guess my point is that one dedicated Christian woman can make a ministry of help that accomplishes a lot for others and perhaps this is a ministry that could be encouraged more. Young women with children need others to lift some of the responsibility for the children, caring for them as needed, perhaps also helping with housework, and just being a friend.

It's tricky to involve Christian men in a situation with a single mother but truly male influence is needed in those situations and I don't know how that might best be worked out. A couple making the effort to include them in their lives? Especially an older couple?

BrotherTom, I appreciate you drawing emphasis to this issue. It is a pressing social concern. The children of these mothers are bound to suffer in these situations - and that will have a significant impact in the future.

What makes this more complicated is our social assistance programs - and the whole mentality of reliance on the state. Also, getting a cheque each month cannot compensate for the lack of a fatherly presence and protection in the home.

The church could really shine here - by being an authoritative community in which single parent families can thrive and bloom. Imagine if at least one church in each town felt specifically called into a ministry to these people.

Diane

Hi Diane,
I love the idea of a church adopting this as a ministry. Can you spell out some of how you imagine this working in practical terms?

And really good point about the social assistance programs. I've often thought the church really MUST take over here whatever that would involve.

Single Motherhood is a dilemma, for sure. Having worked at a CPC for 15 years one gets a perspective not seen by many. Perhaps the most devastating one is that there are those who plan to be a single mother. Really! Oh, yes, they may claim to be Christians...! SIGH. They do NOT want to get married because they do not trust males to be there in the long haul, but they want children so they get them and get on welfare - supported by the taxpayer.

Upon reading this it becomes obvious that for some it is a sin issue, pure and simple.

Then you have those who are left alone because of divorce - another issue. Some of these are victims not of their own choosing, but this is not always the case, either. I am hearing there is just as many married females involved in extra-marital affairs as married men. Again, it is a sin issue. What do you do about it?

What do preachers do to protect their flock from indulging in sinful behaviors? Personally, I place a lot of blame for this on the leadership of the group. They have caved into pressure to conform to a Hollywood lifestyle amongst their people because you do not want to be judgmental. People want to play with sin and then do not want to reap the harvest. Won't work.

Knowing all this won't fix an existing problem, or will it? It has been my stance on this issue that the leadership MUST work to teach the young the dangerous consequences of immorality and how it will undermine marriage stability. A high percentage of marriage failures can be attributed to the couple having been involved in fornication rendering bonding next to impossible once they get married. They have tasted the fruits of sin and the devil has convinced them it is sweet, so there is little motivation to pursue infidelity once the vows are said. For too many all these vows mean is that they will stick to this person until they find one they like better.

But, what do you do with an existing problem? The problem of mothers being victimized by a philandering husband?

We had in our church a single mother with three children. Our deacon took it upon himself to be there for the son. He took him hunting and did male things like this with him. He grew up to be a fine young man who is now married with several children. The girls married well and all have children. In the meantime, the mother stayed close to the LORD, was faithful to her marriage vows. She drew near to the LORD and He was a husband to her. Eventually, her husband died leaving her a widow. A few years later she married a widower who cares for her.

Another lady was left by her husband and she has remained single, true to her marriage vows. Her children grew up, married honorably. She enjoys the affection of her children. Since she was a part owner of a business, its assets were divided and she reinvested her money which still is earning her a livelihood. Today she is involved in a crises ministry.

This is how it was handled in our church.

Blessings,
ginnyrose

I love the idea of a church adopting this as a ministry. Can you spell out some of how you imagine this working in practical terms?

Here’s how I imagine steps which equip a church to minister effectively to single mother families:

1. The church experiences revival and reformation – and becomes re-ordered in its purpose for existing - under the authority of God.

2. Through effective leadership it comes to see marriage and family relationships as foundational.

3. The church begins to recognize the huge gaps present among its members – especially the absence of a father’s influence.

4. The members re-orientate their priorities – so that the more vulnerable members receive appropriate care. They seek to strengthen these mothers – so that they have more emotional energy for their own children. That includes spiritual priorities, knowledge for financial management, child care, discipline, etc.

5. The older women minister to the younger women, etc.
6. Child care.

I could go on and on…. What we don’t want to perpetuate is simply a welfare/victim mentality, which keeps these families in a state of dependency. And we somehow want to help mothers move into more mature habits of relationship and responsibility. Otherwise their children will merely repeat the pattern.

It takes a whole church to raise a child!

Our deacon took it upon himself to be there for the son. He took him hunting and did male things like this with him.

Diane

Recently a friend of ours shared a conversation he had with a black preacher. They were discussing the breakdown of the black family.

The friend told the preacher the father needs to take the role of the headship in the home in order to build strong families. This was a sore issue with this preacher! He told our friend, "Look! it is not the men, it is the women! They refuse to submit to their husbands. If he says anything contrary to what the wife thinks in regards to the children, she will take them and leave! These women are raising nothing but a bunch of hoodlums!" And this is the evaluation of a black pastor.

Years ago stats told us that 25% of all black males have been in prison, or are in prison or are out on parole. Today this figure is higher. I used to share this statistic with my black clients and they agreed it is right except that it seems to be a bit low.

This is the observation of concerned blacks in my area - do not know what it is like where you are. However, having said this, let me hasten to say the whites are coming right along - they are just a little bit behind. But the reality is that broken homes, single motherhood will push up these stats, no matter what the skin color or culture you are in.

It is a mess out there. It gets really sad when it has invaded the church and I think this is the concern expressed by the lead post.

In 1 Timothy 5 Paul considers only widows over 60 to be listed as Widows. There should be a reason for this. Single Mom is not same as Widows (lower standard) so definitely they cannot be listed if they are not over 60.

The idea of supporting Single Moms should not result in Churches encouraging this social status of being Single Mom. This is dangerous than not caring for Single Moms.

Single Mom status is a dangerous because it will most likely lead the women into adultery to satisfy her needs and also result in poor parenting. This is also seen as main reason for increase in homosexuality because if it is Boy Child then he will lack Dad's love resulting in Choosing a male partner.

Instead seeing what can be done for Single Mom, Churches should focus on preventive measures. At least for the marriages that they conduct among their members, they need to make sure these couples understand the responsibilities of marriage and should not enter into a married relationship with divorce or parting as an option.

Best thing that a Church can do to a single Mom (not widows) is to unite her with her husband. Divorce for any reason is not a part of new Covenant life.

Sree states: Best thing that a Church can do to a single Mom (not widows) is to unite her with her husband. (You qualified that as saying that they must be under 60 years of age per 1 Tim 5) Divorce for any reason is not a part of new Covenant life.

I Respond: I do have a couple of questions then,

1. You suggest the church should reunite her with her husband. Well, what if she is a 22 year old with 2 children, ages 1 and 2, who's husband was tragically killed in a car wreck four months ago. In addition he was the sole income provider for the home. What do you do now? She can't afford child care with the salary she will make IF she can find employment. Her bank account is now empty and they will be shutting her electricity and heat off in 7 days leaving her and her children in the cold to freeze. This all by no choice or fault of her own. She is obviously well below the 60 year old requirement to be receiving help from the Church that you quoted.

Do you still say the church has no responsibility to help this sister?

2 You stated, "Divorce FOR ANY REASON is not a part of new Covenant life". What if it was your daughter. In fact, what if it was your daughter who had been severely beaten up by her husband. She has had 5 broken bones from the beatings her husband has given her when he comes home drunk. She also has had many trips to the hospital to have other injuries treated that he inflicted upon her. He often goes out and hires prostitutes to satisfy his sexual perversion and then tries to demand his wife perform the same perverted acts... if she won't then it's another severe beating. He has said he will kill her if she makes him upset again. They have 1 child and she fears for the child's life when he is around. She fears he may kill their child as well as her in his next fit of rage.

If this is your daughter are you saying you would tell her to stay in this marriage?

Again, you stated, ""Divorce FOR ANY REASON is not a part of new Covenant life". There are clear scriptures, one from The Gospels and one from Paul's writing, that specifically detail 2 instances in which divorce is certainly allowed. I agree that it is a narrow set of circumstances. However, the scripture clearly gives those circumstances and if those conditions are there then it is in no way wrong to divorce.. again, if those conditions are there.

Well, what if she is a 22 year old with 2 children, ages 1 and 2, who's husband was tragically killed in a car wreck four months ago.

Again, you stated, ""Divorce FOR ANY REASON is not a part of new Covenant life". There are clear scriptures, one from The Gospels and one from Paul's writing, that specifically detail 2 instances in which divorce is certainly allowed.

Jesus says in Matthew 19:8:-
Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman [g]commits adultery.

So first of all Divorce was permitted only because hardness of heart of men. In new Covenant life there is no place for hard heart. So now with hard heart if you want to divorce then you can only divorce in case of immorality. I also agree there are conditions to divorce but above everything the hard heart comes first.

The instances in which a women is abused by her husband is because this marriage is either not done under Christian values or because the Church is not talking on maintaining married relationship. If the Church does its Job then there will be a reduced cases of Divorce.

Again I am not saying that divorced or left alone single Mom should not be ministered. I never mentioned that, this is another kind of extreme.
But the Church helping them or supporting them by material things should be done carefully so that it may not result in encouraging people to live as single after marriage.

Also I have to accept I do not have enough light on this subject. So I do not have the answer to all the questions and scenarios. I think it is better for me to keep quit. Neither am I leading a Church to make any important decision on this. I believe every men and women can be ministered by Church irrespective of their past life, because Bible says God desires everyone to be Saved. I am definitely not against any ministry.

Sree, Unless one man has walked in the shoes of another it's probably best to not give him advice as to what "your take" is on certain scriptures. I'm not trying to be rude. Love covers a multitude of sins. Christ's love. A man's words can confound that same man's spiritual growth. Silence is golden.

@ Sree

Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I doubted that you actually meant things as I understood them. I am glad to see I was reading more into your post than you meant.

In the case of divorce because of adultery in Matthew 19:9

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

It seems clear that the situation is if a marriage partner commits adultery they are at that point dead to the one who remained faithful.

If they had been under the law they would have been stoned and killed.That would have allowed the living spouse to then remarry.

The "certificate of divorce" given by Moses was used under all kinds of frivilous reasons to get divorces. However, in the case of adultery no certificate was needed... they were executed by stoning for the offense. Clearly Jesus leaves this as the caveat for divorce being justified in the case of adultery by one of the persons.

Again, thanks for your clarifications.

Blessings!

It seems clear that the situation is if a marriage partner commits adultery they are at that point dead to the one who remained faithful.

I was of your opinion only until someone explained me this scripture. If you read from Matt 19:8, and continue into 19:9, you will understand what I am saying. Also if we take New Covenant definition of Adultery (lusting in eyes Matt 5:28), almost every marriage in this world can be divorced!!

@ Sree,

Last comment from me on this for now. I don't want to totally hijack Brothertom's thread here. The issue we are discussing does have bearing on the topic but he is approaching this for a different reason. He is bringing much needed emphasis to the needs of single mother. I have great empathy for the single mother as I was a single dad. Raising my kids on my own while working full time jobs trying to hold life, hearth, home, and family together is a very difficult task. Anyone who has not had the burden of it will scarcely be able to understand the difficulty it entails in our culture. Because of that our church is moving toward offering many helps to the single parent wanting to have Godly influences in their children's lives. I will post some of those ideas when I return later today.

As far as your last thought,

YOU STATED: , If you read from Matt 19:8, and continue into 19:9, you will understand what I am saying. Also if we take New Covenant definition of Adultery (lusting in eyes Matt 5:28), almost every marriage in this world can be divorced!!

I RESPOND: Well...that WAS Matthew 19:9 I posted. I have studied it intensely for some 25 plus years. Here they both are;

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (If they are sexually immoral and adulterous you are justified in the divorcing of them. They are dead to you)

May I humbly suggest that you research out what Paul said on this topic. Adultery IS DIFFERENT than any other sin. I know that is hard for many to hear... however, consider this and go do some deeper looking.. I share with you these scriptures...think about them-

1 Corinthians 6:15-18
15 Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never!
16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

@ Brothertom - sorry if we took the thread a bit off track. Great topic that needs much attention in todays world. Future posts by me on your thread will be to that end.

Blessings Sree and Brothertom

It’s interesting how quickly this issue turned towards moral legalities. It’s true, we wouldn’t want to overlook that. But in our dissecting of scripture on these matters, we would do well to look at the real people involved. That will point us to a higher law – which is OUR responsibility.

1) Chances are many single mothers have never known what real marriage is. They never had a two-parent family, let alone parents who stayed married. She may have no emotional capacity to keep a relationship. A single mother needs to see and experience healthy relationships – not just bible verses of rules which they can’t keep. A church can be a tremendous healing environment – through the expression of grace and mercy to one another.

2) She may have become pregnant out of foolishness, and naivety, through a fling with some immature adolescent male who has no capacity to actually be a father – or provide support. She may have three children each with a different father. (I know an example)

3) She may have various psychological issues– which hamper her ability to nurture her children. There may be all kinds of behavioral issues.

4) If she's been through the nightmare of divorce, she may be emotionally drained and broken. The children will be suffering enormously – and carrying scars.

5) She may have become a master at manipulating well-meaning people –like churches – and try to use them for all their worth, with no desire to take personal responsibility. (My former church experienced such a case)

Overall, single mothers and their children are among the most vulnerable members of our society.

We could go on and on, but that is enough to alert us to the tremendously complicated challenges single mothers may be facing IN ADDITION to the other challenges – like managing home and job, and loneliness. It’s a huge challenge for the church too.

A thought: Each single mother is both a victim of a fallen world in some way or other, but she is also an agent in her own choices. No one is simply one or the other. Still, the past is the past. And the role of the church is not dependent on whether she did something “sinful” or was merely a victim of circumstance. Remember, the prodigal son deliberately made immoral choices. But that did not deter the Father from expressing sheer mercy and compassion on his return.

A sobering thought: In the OT, Israel came under judgment for neglecting the vulnerable members of their society. Might it be that the way God’s people treat single mothers and their children is strongly suggestive of their true state of salvation? That is, the evidence of love?

It really is a sobering thought, isn’t it?

May God's people become equipped to minister to single-mothers, desiring to see them grow into maturity.

Diane

Another sobering through came to mind:

In view of the prevalence and convenience of abortion, any single mother who has her living children, no matter how she got pregnant, surely deserves to be respected at least on that count. Her children ought to be especially precious to the church.

Diane

@ Roadsign-

DIANE YOU STATED:
In view of the prevalence and convenience of abortion, any single mother who has her living children, no matter how she got pregnant, surely deserves to be respected at least on that count. Her children ought to be especially precious to the church.

I RESPOND:
Thank you. Your post put such a "heart of the matter" and "people come first" reminder into the topic that it choked me up. I suppose it is because I have been in ministry for so many years and in my minds eye I am seeing the faces of those precious ladies we helped that had decided to keep their children when everyone had advised them to abort those children. Some of those children are grown now and marvelous witnesses for Jesus.

Thanks again Diane. It keeps us in the proper focus and frame of mind.

Blessings!