This is an interesting article on "courtship" that i came across on http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2012/01/finding-the-key/
When my husband and I were courting, we carefully set our “line” of physical touch. There would be no kissing until our wedding day; handholding was ok after we were engaged. Yes, we were following the “courtship model,” albeit loosely. We had been friends and had a lot contact before we were officially courting. We had discussed the perfect wedding and the fact that we felt like God had more in store for us than just a friendship. I even knew when he was calling my dad, so, even though our courtship could never have been printed up in the little booklets and passed out at Knoxville, it was still a bit of a “courtship,” and our first kiss was put off until our wedding day.
Fast forward to after the wedding, thousands of kisses later; I was in a discussion about setting limits during dating/courtship, engagement. A friend of mine said that she and her husband didn’t set an arbitrary line. Rather, they had worked at listening to the Holy Spirit.
Whoa! Novel concept! If we had done that, we might have kissed! And now, looking back, I had to admit that my friend’s approach had some serious advantages over mine.
For starters, it would have required being more open with each other about what actions were causing a problem rather than just sticking with the “no kissing” rule. But more importantly, isn’t listening to the Holy Spirit and following His lead central to Christianity? Doesn’t Scripture say, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh”? (Gal. 5:16).
I mean, according to that verse, the key to not sinning isn’t making rules, it’s walking in the Spirit.
Sadly, on that day when my friend mentioned the way that she and her husband dealt with not falling into sin, it really was novel to me. I mean, honestly, I had been saved how long? More than 25 years?!?!? I grew up in the church. The key to living the Christian life should not have been hidden to me.
Sometimes, I think that up until recently, the story of my Christian life could be summarized in another verse from Galatians. “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now going to be made complete by the flesh?” (Gal. 3:3).
Even though I (hopefully) had looked to Jesus alone for Salvation, I was looking to the flesh for sanctification. Just following Him wasn’t enough to avoid sin. I had to add a few extra rules.
But, that doesn’t keep me from sinning. Sure, I didn’t kiss my husband until our wedding day. I kept my promise. But does that mean I didn’t sin during our engagment? Absolutely not! Not kissing him didn’t prevent me from wishing I could kiss him and then some. And it didn’t conquer lust.
But, you know what did happen? During those days of being madly in love and wishing I could show it more, during that time of working to resist the desire to kiss him, the Holy Spirit was with me. I did cross lines. Not the ones that Samuel and I had drawn, but lines that God had drawn. And the Guide that my loving Father has given me was faithful to tell me about it. And I, because I am His, responded to get my actions realigned, not with the extra vows we had made to keep ourselves from sin, but with what He was saying in my heart.
So, I’m now trying to correct my theology. I’m trying to get my mind to accept what my heart obviously knew. And I keep coming back to the end of Colossians, chapter 2. “If you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why do you live as if you still belonged to the world? Why do you submit to regulations: “Don’t handle, don’t taste, don’t touch”? All these regulations refer to what is destroyed by being used up; they are commands and doctrines of men. Although these have a reputation of wisdom by promoting ascetic practices, humility and a severe treatment of the body, they are not of any value in curbing self-indulgence.”
I remember reading passages like that and Romans 14 and thinking that the Apostle Paul must have been mistaken. Of course those extra rules were good for us! The IBLP system teaches that you can judge the spirituality of a person by the number of commitments he made. We were basically taught that Romans 14 was backwards. Extra-Biblical standards are for the spiritually strong, not the spiritually weak.
Now, I am amazed at the level of deception I had fallen into… to think that Gothard knew more than the Apostle Paul and that his system was above the Word of God.
I’m so thankful for the realization that it’s “Not by strength or by might, but My Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts” (Zech. 4:6). I’m so excited about this life that is completely by grace through faith, empowered by the Holy Spirit. Talk about limitless possibilities! And limitless power to conquer sin. Again, I realize that God’s way really is best! “Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home.”